Selfish Soul Sucking Seasons

I am currently in a season of life that is sucking my soul dry. A selfish dramatic soul sucking, but a soul sucking none the less. A season that we will name "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season. Now I know it shouldn't be about the space, I know that home is where your heart is, I know people have much much less...but I'm also a recovering perfectionist, a gluten for an organization project, and a slight control freak. And praise God for His abundant Grace because I am have been one pill of a person to live with. Since the house sold, and David had moved out, and we got divorced and undivorced <insert laughter here>, we are living in a one bedroom apartment. It's tiny. We have stuff at my in laws, my parents, a storage until...my "stuff" is literally scattered all over Floyd County. <FacePalmEmoji>. So needless to say I just don't feel settled. When I'm home I want to make lists on lists of where everything is so that I feel in control of something. And even then if my handwriting gets messy, I start over. And sometimes i have been known to just buy a new notebook all together. I want to clean out the closet everyday because there is so much stuff it's overflowing. I can just about see every room from any place in the apartment and everything could use some organizing. Ohhhhh and tiny diva toddler Sadie...she lives here too. <insert picture of pink crap everywhere>. I'm a bit overwhelmed and not exactly dealing with this so well. Thankfully, David frequently gets me back on track with what really matters. He reminds me that I sponser a child who sleeps on dirt floors and that we're together and everything else is just stuff...and while he is absolutely right, it doesn't make it any easier to control the massive unease and anxiety I get when I walk in the door. Most days I just anxiously await bed time so I can turn off the lights and pretend everything is in it's place. I know I'm whining but it's real life for me right now and it's very uncomfortable....bear with me, I'm reluctantly trying to embrace this season. 

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. I've always believed that every season isn't forever and a lesson is learned in each one. I think this is probably a season of patience and growth...and I know if I allow God to work in this season His glory will shine. 

See...there's this kid who lives next to us that has really grown attached to David. He is 8ish and lives with his mom and his new baby sister. I recently met his mom and she immediately tells me that she has a similar journey to our Berkley journey. I broke down and told her our story and we cried together, bonding over our loss. Her story is more fresh than mine and her current situation is very different that mine, but we are both mamas. Both mamas who experienced a loss and both mamas with rainbow babies. So as Connie would say " now Lauren, I can't help but think that God put you in that apartment to meet her"....and she is right. She needs love, friends and support. She doesn't have any friends who've experienced loss like that. I don't know if she has any religious affiliations or believes in God...all I know is that I need to help walk with her through this journey. So I'm prayerfully trying to allow myself to breathe in these moments. I'm prayerfully trying to relax and enjoy the simplicity of our tiny home. I'm also prayerfully trying to remember that this season won't last forever. Tonight I ran across one of my notebooks, that I was throwing away because my handwriting was ugly, and found this. This I wrote during David and I's separation. This I wrote at one of my lowest points. This i wrote during a season of growth...and that season has past. I am not sharing it for sympathy, brace yourself it's raw, but just to further point out that as long as one season may be, as hopeless as it may seem, It can be beautiful if we allow Him to work in those lulls, in the down seasons. 

Written Feb 24th 2017.

"Can't sleep. I hate myself. I don't know how to be a good mom to Sadie. I am failing at everything I touch. I feel like I destroyed my marriage and I'm allowing my child to be impacted by those decisions. I am a horrible person. Nothing about me Is lovable. I almost wish I couldn't feel love so i wouldn't ache for it when I know I don't deserve it. I don't have the ability to decipher my head and my heart anymore. I'm praying, I'm seeking, I'm doing my best, but I'm failing. And I know I have to let go of some pride, I know I have to allow people to love me. Living in this shell and box has caught up with me and I've never felt so alone in all my life. I've lost myself..  "

It was a crappy season, undoubtedly one of my worst, but a season that is now over and a beautiful reclaimed marriage has come out of it. Praise God for those growth seasons....because if in those lull seasons, in those valleys, we learn who we can lean on, beautiful things can happen. 

I am so thankful I found this notebook tonight...I am going to keep reminding myself during this  "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season, that this too shall pass. 

5 years

It feels like yesterday...

We had been through what we thought was the worst of the worst. We felt confident that we could finally let the world know that we were expecting a baby! It was going to be the miracle amongst our pain....all would be okay. Only 12ish weeks later, we said hello and goodbye within 72 hours. 

I can't believe it's been 5 years. 

I've written before about how I feel like Berkley had so much purpose while I carried her and I still hold on to that truth. 

What a blessing it is to have carried her, what a blessing it is to have delivered her, what a blessing it is to have held her, and what a blessing it is to see glimpses of her.