Happy THREE

June 24, 2018 we welcomed our 1st sweet boy into the world...and after 7 days of highs and lows we said goodbye. 

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It’s not fair. 

It still hurts. 

I still cry. 

I rejoice he is with Jesus. 

Sadie talks about him often.

She talks to Isaac about him too.

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It’s hard to wake up knowing that part of you isn’t here. And sadly a lot of people reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. You wake up each morning with a pit and for a brief moment you remember that you’re incomplete on this side of heaven...

But then you have to get up and face whatever is ahead, juggle whatever tasks are in front of you, and pretend like a part of you isn’t missing. There are moments that you see glimpses of what could be that don’t totally break you down. There are moments you can rejoice that they aren’t hurting or struggling to survive. 

I know Gods plan is good, but some days are just still hard. It’s a process, an infinite journey with no end. Until I see my sweet babies again, I will wake up each day with a pit in my stomach. The pits feel deeper as anniversaries roll around but ease up during the year, while never fully going away. That’s the hard truth. 

And y’all, I can’t process out the pain or journal away the tears. There is no amount of self care books that will make me feel better about the circumstances surrounding loss. I have zero ability to handle the depth of pain that losing a child can bring because I am not enough on my own. 

But God.

God gives me joy. 

Even in the silence, God gives me joy.

Joy has zero to do with happiness or circumstance. 

Joy has zero to do with self help or self care. 

Joy is 100% from God. 

Joy gets me up. 

Joy keeps me going. 

Joy keeps me smiling. 

Joy is an inner contentment that can only be found in Jesus and knowing Him. 

Joy is from God. And.God.is.good.

“Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy.” Psalms‬ ‭126:5‬ ‭

Happy 3rd Birthday Henry Glenn! 

We love you so much! 

Look for God

“Mom even if Jesus didn’t make that man walk, he could’ve still made him a wheelchair to get around”...the mind of a child, y’all. On Sunday Sadie was taught about the man who was lowered through the roof on a mat to be healed by Jesus...Mark 2. Other than her telling me about her craft she made, which was a mat, this was the extent of our conversation, but it left me with this thought...

How often do we put our own expectations on God? How often have we placed a limit on what we think God should do? Or how often do we tie our expectations to our prayer life, thus being disappointed in what our “answered prayer” looks like? I keep thinking about what Sadie said and I can’t stop wondering what the difference in reaction would be if Jesus hadn’t healed him but provided a means to get around. Would it still make an impact? I would like to think that I would still be amazed for the miracle of being able to get around, but I am ashamed to say that I would likely have the expectation to be healed compledtely. Now obviously this healing was done in this way to show the power of Jesus to the people calling his healing, blasphemy...in no way am I saying it could have or should’ve gone differently, I am just merely using Sadies question to reflect about my own experiences. There have been many circumstances where “my miracle” didn’t happen but then also moments where my miracle happened and happened BIG. HELLO, #breastcancerandpregnant 😂 

But here’s the thing, I wonder how many miracles I missed looking for my expected miracle. What miracles did I miss while I was praying eagerly for my babies to make it home? Because I 100% had an expectation attached to my prayers that surrounded all 4 of my babies...and all expectations included life. And guess what...those didn’t all get met. BUT there were plenty of miracles taking place, while I sat in some disappointment, that at the time I didn’t notice. I have challenged myself for the past few years to always look for God. I try to always look for where God is as opposed to where you may think He is not...and listen, I don’t mean that “He is not”, what I mean is that maybe He isn’t doing what you might expect God to do. God is absolutely in everything. He knows what is best and we must trust in that. I can find myself overly distracted by what didn’t happen...but if I focus on what God is clearly doing, I don’t get stuck in the whys and I don’t miss the “wheelchair miracle”. But y’all, isn’t a miracle a miracle? Isn’t Jesus capable of anything? We can’t place limits on what He can do and it can be dangerous to tie expectations to our prayers and obedience. We’re human, we’re going to have expectations, but let’s all look for God because “wheelchair miracles” happen all around us every single day!

““I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.””

‭‭Mark‬ ‭2:11‬ ‭

New year new strength

I went down the water slide...I WENT DOWN THE WATER SLIDE YALL! What may seem like an insignificant moment felt like a rush of freedom for me! Last year I was not the fun mom...I was the needy mom. Sadie was played with by so many but that didn’t include me. I was sick. I could barely get out of bed some days. And it was truly awful. But this year? This year I am healthy. This year I am stronger. This year I will play hard with her and do all the silly things that make her belly laugh!

So what did I do? I went down the dang water slide! It was freezing cold, and I wasn’t in a swimsuit... but it was so fun and so worth it! She thought it was the greatest thing. There will come a time when she won’t want me to play with her and her friends. There will come a time when I’m no longer cool. I mean, who can imagine that? 😂 But after a year of missing out on fun with her, I will grab at every moment I can between now and my “uncool” status to be a fun, silly, mama...even if it’s something as simple as going down a water slide in my clothes! 

Also, This is my “holy crap that water is cold face”

#DOwiththetimeGodgivesyou #circumstancesdontdictatethegoodnessofGod #sillymama #breastcancergone #babyhere

A depleted spirit

Do you ever feel like you are just drained emotionally? Like your entire spirit is depleted? Like, dare I say, too emotionally zapped to even pray? 🙋🏼‍♀️ 

Life can be so exhausting, even when there are no major life events taking place. Just living in a sin soaked world is exhausting, and adding in all the complications of life can bury you emotionally. 

When I find myself with a depleted spirit, it is usually because I have attempted to face a challenging circumstance alone. It is usually when I have worked myself silly to figure out my life without consulting the One who gave me life. 

Emotions and feelings can be so overwhelming, so hard to navigate, and feel so lonely. The heaviness of it all can feel like a gravity in and of itself. Sometimes a depleted spirit can lead you to feel like God isn’t with you or God isn’t working. It can cause you to question why God would allow such pain and hurt.

The truth is “God will never leave you or forsake you”—Hebrews 13:5. 

The truth is “in this world you will have much trouble”—John 16:33. 

The truth is “all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord”—Romans 8:28. 

Our circumstances aren’t tied to the goodness of God and our feelings have zero to do with the truth of God. When our fickle feelings overrun the truth we know about God, it can easily lead to a confusing season of doubt. 

We absolutely must hang on to the biblical truths we know, and press through our circumstances with the peace of God, knowing we aren’t alone. 

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭4:16-18‬ 

#preachingtomyselftonight 

Clear SCAN

The scan-xiety has been awful but I am happy to report CLEAR SCANS! 🙌🏼

#BCNOMORE #Godisgood #horriblepicture

YMCA

New fun Lauren fact:

I had the wonderful Miriam recommend the Livestrong program to me at the YMCA. It’s a program geared toward cancer survivors that helps get survivors back to physical activity after treatment. It is also a program that gives tons of information on fitness and healthy living after fighting a major battle. I truly didn’t know what to expect but I have to say I am so so thankful to be a part of this amazing group of women! We are 5 weeks in and I’m so excited for each session. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting new women, bonding over our stories, and learning so much from the amazing instructors! 

This cancer journey has been so hard on my body and add pregnancy to that...shewy. I am so thankful God placed these people in my life to get me back into a healthy fitness program, and gaining my strength back! 💛

First scan-xiety

And so it was one year ago when the anesthesiologist came in and said “Mrs Simpson, we can’t do this proceedure, you are pregnant.” 

It was also one year ago that I called David to pick me up from the hospital..

Me: “Im done you can come get me”

D: “That was fast, what time is it?”

Me: “they didn’t do it, I’m pregnant”

Click

Me: hello, hello...

😂😂

Today I go for my first scan post treatment. I am both anxious for the scan and thankful I am POST treatment. 

It’s been one heck of a year! I am so grateful to see the other side of treatment and be a part of the greatest miracle in my sweet Isaac. ♥️

Also can we all reflect on that straight hair...🤷🏼‍♀️ #whyimachiapetnow

Radiation is DONE!

On February 10, 2020 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. That was 51 weeks ago. In those 51 weeks, I have had breast surgery, 20 weeks of chemo(16 rounds), a blood clot, 2 kidney stones, 35 weeks of a pregnancy, brought home a newborn, and today I finished 7 weeks (33 rounds)of radiation treatment! What a blessing to be at the tail end of this journey, y’all! In a couple of weeks I will have a hysterectomy and then will be taking a pill for 5 years to hopefully prevent/lower the chance of any reoccurrence. This has been a tail kicking year YALL, no doubt about it, but I am so grateful for all the beautiful blessings that have come from it. There were times I thought I didn’t have the strength to take another step but sweet Jesus always met me where I was to give me just what I needed to take the next breath. What a miracle I have been so blessed to carry out so that even in the trials I can find joy! He is good.

Can I get an AMEN, y’all!? 🙌🏼

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-3‬

Clean-New-Making Room

Cold.

Dead.

Empty.

Blah.

Barren.

These are the words I always associate with January. It’s my least favorite month of the year. I’m a warm weather gal and the blah of cold/wet January always brings me down. I struggle every year just to survive the month...

Clean.

Fresh.

Uncluttered.

Space for New.

Those are the words that hit me when I was outside this morning...and they’ve sat heavy ever since. I’ve not been able to stop writing since this was put on my heart in the early morning hours. 

My perspective on January can either be death, or I can see it as getting ready for new life. When I looked down the road today, I saw crisp trees and flat lawns. I could see my breath but I could also feel the warmth of what’s to come. There were no leaves to clutter my view, no uncut lawns, no outdoor grills or toys sitting out...just a blank canvas. While I love the look of summer time in action, and I especially love the changing colors on the trees during the fall, there is something about the uncluttered open space of winter. This season is for making space and preparing for new growth. These trees are blank, empty of heavy leaves bringing them down, not baked in the sun drying out...just a blank canvas preparing for new life. People say it all the time, growth comes in hard places. We see it first hand in the trees every year. The hard cold ground, with hard cold roots, a hard cold trunk, and hard cold branches all prepare this tree for the growth that Spring will bring. 

We should do the same. 

This season, both time of year and circumstances, should be for making room for growth. We should take time to prune back the clutter of our hearts and minds. We should visit the hard places in our lives and figure out why they’re so hard. We should sit in it long enough to make peace with it or kick it the heck out, seeking God in whatever that decision may be. Those hard places bring growth or bring us down, and going unaddressed will only take up space. 

When Jesus was on earth, it wasn’t all easy. Do you think being fully God, aware that He had to die, but also fully human, so not wanting to die? In the Garden of Gethsemane, He wrestled this very concept, He addressed the hard. He didn’t want to have to die but He knew He had to. It was hard, unimaginably hard. And then what...He died on a cross (tree) but was raised to life again. Y’all, but God. Shew...🙌🏼 

PS: And you know what, God is in every detail...especially the hard places. The Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus wrestled with the hardest of all, is known as the “olive” garden. We all know that wine comes from olives...but did you know that the delicious wine that comes from those Olives, can only come after a season of harsh winds and hard pressing? I learned this tidbit last year and it has stuck with me. It still amazes me how God is in the most intricate of details. I try to cling to that truth when I’m feeling stuck in the hard places of life or when I feel like maybe God doesn’t care about a small situation in my life. He does. He absolutely does. And we can trust that when we seek Him in those details, He will not leave us abandoned. 

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭9:10‬

ELEVEN

Today I completed my ELEVENTH radiation treatment! I am 1/3 of the way there y’all!! 

This is a picture of a card I scan to open the door to the radiation rooms. It’s basically an ID that says “you are battling cancer and everything kinda stinks so scan this card to unlock the door and treat yo self”. It isn’t a big deal at all, y’all know I’m dramatic, but I really don’t like having my name tied to something so terrible...and now I have an ID for it. Blah, I hate it. 😖

While I am so ready to finish the journey, I am also mindful of the lessons and depth of grace I am receiving from Jesus while I’m on it.

Sometimes it feels like the pit they threw Joseph in...trapped in a world I don’t recognize with no way out and an ID for a disease no one wants.

But it’s on those days that I reflect back to Mary Magdalene...sobbing at the empty tomb looking for Jesus, asking where He had been taken but not realizing she was talking to Jesus. Then He turned to her and said “Mary”...and she fell to His feet in worship. If I ever feel like I’m in the pit, crying out, looking up for Jesus amid all the things that cancer brings, I wrestle until I hear “Lauren”. 

And y’all, I always hear Lauren. 

Grace.

He is so good. 

#Heknowsmyname #myIDiswithChrist