Happy THREE

June 24, 2018 we welcomed our 1st sweet boy into the world...and after 7 days of highs and lows we said goodbye. 

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It’s not fair. 

It still hurts. 

I still cry. 

I rejoice he is with Jesus. 

Sadie talks about him often.

She talks to Isaac about him too.

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It’s hard to wake up knowing that part of you isn’t here. And sadly a lot of people reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. You wake up each morning with a pit and for a brief moment you remember that you’re incomplete on this side of heaven...

But then you have to get up and face whatever is ahead, juggle whatever tasks are in front of you, and pretend like a part of you isn’t missing. There are moments that you see glimpses of what could be that don’t totally break you down. There are moments you can rejoice that they aren’t hurting or struggling to survive. 

I know Gods plan is good, but some days are just still hard. It’s a process, an infinite journey with no end. Until I see my sweet babies again, I will wake up each day with a pit in my stomach. The pits feel deeper as anniversaries roll around but ease up during the year, while never fully going away. That’s the hard truth. 

And y’all, I can’t process out the pain or journal away the tears. There is no amount of self care books that will make me feel better about the circumstances surrounding loss. I have zero ability to handle the depth of pain that losing a child can bring because I am not enough on my own. 

But God.

God gives me joy. 

Even in the silence, God gives me joy.

Joy has zero to do with happiness or circumstance. 

Joy has zero to do with self help or self care. 

Joy is 100% from God. 

Joy gets me up. 

Joy keeps me going. 

Joy keeps me smiling. 

Joy is an inner contentment that can only be found in Jesus and knowing Him. 

Joy is from God. And.God.is.good.

“Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy.” Psalms‬ ‭126:5‬ ‭

Happy 3rd Birthday Henry Glenn! 

We love you so much! 

Look for God

“Mom even if Jesus didn’t make that man walk, he could’ve still made him a wheelchair to get around”...the mind of a child, y’all. On Sunday Sadie was taught about the man who was lowered through the roof on a mat to be healed by Jesus...Mark 2. Other than her telling me about her craft she made, which was a mat, this was the extent of our conversation, but it left me with this thought...

How often do we put our own expectations on God? How often have we placed a limit on what we think God should do? Or how often do we tie our expectations to our prayer life, thus being disappointed in what our “answered prayer” looks like? I keep thinking about what Sadie said and I can’t stop wondering what the difference in reaction would be if Jesus hadn’t healed him but provided a means to get around. Would it still make an impact? I would like to think that I would still be amazed for the miracle of being able to get around, but I am ashamed to say that I would likely have the expectation to be healed compledtely. Now obviously this healing was done in this way to show the power of Jesus to the people calling his healing, blasphemy...in no way am I saying it could have or should’ve gone differently, I am just merely using Sadies question to reflect about my own experiences. There have been many circumstances where “my miracle” didn’t happen but then also moments where my miracle happened and happened BIG. HELLO, #breastcancerandpregnant 😂 

But here’s the thing, I wonder how many miracles I missed looking for my expected miracle. What miracles did I miss while I was praying eagerly for my babies to make it home? Because I 100% had an expectation attached to my prayers that surrounded all 4 of my babies...and all expectations included life. And guess what...those didn’t all get met. BUT there were plenty of miracles taking place, while I sat in some disappointment, that at the time I didn’t notice. I have challenged myself for the past few years to always look for God. I try to always look for where God is as opposed to where you may think He is not...and listen, I don’t mean that “He is not”, what I mean is that maybe He isn’t doing what you might expect God to do. God is absolutely in everything. He knows what is best and we must trust in that. I can find myself overly distracted by what didn’t happen...but if I focus on what God is clearly doing, I don’t get stuck in the whys and I don’t miss the “wheelchair miracle”. But y’all, isn’t a miracle a miracle? Isn’t Jesus capable of anything? We can’t place limits on what He can do and it can be dangerous to tie expectations to our prayers and obedience. We’re human, we’re going to have expectations, but let’s all look for God because “wheelchair miracles” happen all around us every single day!

““I say to you, arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.””

‭‭Mark‬ ‭2:11‬ ‭