Resuscitate...13 letters.

re·sus·ci·tate

1. To restore consciousness or other signs of life to-one who appears dead

I don't know why it hit me so hard this month but seeing those 13 letters on my Floyd Statement broke me. Sometimes I forget just how close i was to losing my little girl. Written across the statement, the first line of care says "NB Resuscitation". On July 29th sometime between 10:30pm and midnight the doctors and nurses had to bring back my little 2 pound girl. The pic to the left is the first time i saw my girl. It was around 2am on the 30th. She had been resuscitated and hooked up to a million different machines to keep her alive. Alive.....as opposed to dead.



You've read my blog, my story of losing our first girl. Everyone who is reading this has walked through the last moments with me. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be back in that position with Sadie. I can't imagine having to experience that loss again and thanks to the medical team and these 13 letters, i didn't have to. Thanks to constant prayer and monitoring, my heart was able to flourish. 

I am kinda ADD and the thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is this word....resuscitate, so i looked it up. In the definition the first two words say: "To Restore". How many of us need to be restored? Amen, me too! We may not be taking our last breath, but we may be so lost we can't breathe in the peace that only God can give us. We may be so overwhelmed that we can't slow down to give God the time we need to continually build our relationship with Him. Dying inside and Physically Dying...two totally different things. We all have those days where we walk around defeated, dead inside, head hung low, hurting, empty, looking for someone or something to "restore" our joy. We spend so much time resuscitating ourselves. We pour our time and energy into restoring ourselves with stuff. Now i see nothing wrong with stuff...I am all about some shopping and i love love love clothes, but that isn't what will restore us. When we try to resuscitate ourselves we deny Him the ability to renew us. We deny Him what He died for...

Titus 3:5says, 

5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.

We can't resuscitate ourselves, we can't do anything to deserve His saving. We can't do anything to assist Him in renewing us. We can only rest in Him. Rest in His ability to resuscitate us. Bring us from an inner dead-like, defeated, troubled spirit to a thriving spirit filled with Peace! His Peace! He says in John...

John 14:27

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I guess this word stuck out because I am constantly battling the defeated and troubled spirit. As a professional at Anxiety and all things dramatic, I can so easily slip into the defeated mindset. I am literally so good at Anxiety I am thinking about quitting my job to pursue it full time. SO funny....i read it somewhere the other day and laughed so hard. 

Anyway, it led me to these thoughts. Resuscitating my little girl is just as important to me as it is for us to allow God to resuscitate us. He gave His son..GAVE. The idea of losing another child brings me to my knees but he GAVE His son...we must allow Him to be the Savior He died to be. Let Him be the breathing machine when we can't catch our breath, let Him be the nutrients in the pic line, let Him be the transfusions, and allow Him to restore & heal us. 

Dying, Death, Dead, Die.... short words with big meaning. It takes a big ole' 13 letter word to revive and restore a physical body...just like it takes a big ole' God to restore and heal a defeated spirit. 

What Makes a mommy a mommy?

Similar pictures with very different outcomes...

If I've heard it once this week, I've heard it a million times, "this is your first REAL mothers day". I know people don't have ill intentions but it feels like a knife is being stabbed straight in my gut. What makes picture #2 different than picture #1? What makes a mom a mom?You see all the memes about spit up and poo and staying up all night, but is that all that a mom is? I don't think so. I don't feel any more of a mom in picture two than in picture one.. Both were taken 2 days after they were born, both were being supported by breathing machines, both were premature, both had a lot of obstacles to overcome, both are being cradled by their mommy....I don't think having a living breathing child makes me any more of a mother than i have been for last 3 years. Yes, now i have "mommy stories" but the love in my heart is no different for Sadie than it is for Berkley. I don't feel like i am more of a mommy this year but in some ways I guess that they are right. Maybe not my first "real" mothers day but this mothers day will be different, very different. This mothers day isn't going to be a day of dread, a day of sitting at a cemetery alone, a day of being looked over as a mother because I don't have a living breathing child....No, this mothers day will be completely different.  Yes, I will go to the cemetery and see Berk but I have held a negative connotation with Mothers Day for the last 3 years...but this year, this year I am actually embracing it. I am going to embrace the different. The different may come with sad tears, thankful tears or no tears..but I am ready for it. I am ready to embrace my first "different mothers day" with my family.....I never thought i would be able to say that.

It's crazy how much a year has made as far as healing. I think a lot of my healing has come through being Sadie's mom. I see things in her that i know her big sister would have done the same and I have seen so many signs that Berk is watching over us. I love seeing pictures of them side by side..they look so much alike! I love seeing Sadie interacting with kids that would be Berk's age. A few weeks ago my friend and I were joking around about how her child acts like she is mine. She is a precious little girl, full of spunk & personality. She is about two weeks younger than Berkley would be. I think God placed this sweet friend back in my life to show me glimpses of what my girl would be like. I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that she shares all her stories with me. I know in these past few years of healing, God has allowed me to see Berk through different avenues. I know it has all been laid out in His perfect timing!

So whats the difference in these two pictures? Both are full of fear, I can tell you that but between picture one and picture two, is so much more. I have grown in my faith, I have learned the meaning of life, I have felt the presence of God, I have been up close and personal with depression, I have found myself on my knees more often than not, pleading for God to send me my child back...it has been pretty ugly at times, BUT GOD. 

It hasn't been an easy road, its been a heck of a climb, but the view....

Healing is only in His Name, Healing is only in HIS timing!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all women of all ages! Women with children, with children who have passed away, with grown children, young children, adopted children, or just the idea of children in their hearts!