Similar pictures with very different outcomes...
If I've heard it once this week, I've heard it a million times, "this is your first REAL mothers day". I know people don't have ill intentions but it feels like a knife is being stabbed straight in my gut. What makes picture #2 different than picture #1? What makes a mom a mom?You see all the memes about spit up and poo and staying up all night, but is that all that a mom is? I don't think so. I don't feel any more of a mom in picture two than in picture one.. Both were taken 2 days after they were born, both were being supported by breathing machines, both were premature, both had a lot of obstacles to overcome, both are being cradled by their mommy....I don't think having a living breathing child makes me any more of a mother than i have been for last 3 years. Yes, now i have "mommy stories" but the love in my heart is no different for Sadie than it is for Berkley. I don't feel like i am more of a mommy this year but in some ways I guess that they are right. Maybe not my first "real" mothers day but this mothers day will be different, very different. This mothers day isn't going to be a day of dread, a day of sitting at a cemetery alone, a day of being looked over as a mother because I don't have a living breathing child....No, this mothers day will be completely different. Yes, I will go to the cemetery and see Berk but I have held a negative connotation with Mothers Day for the last 3 years...but this year, this year I am actually embracing it. I am going to embrace the different. The different may come with sad tears, thankful tears or no tears..but I am ready for it. I am ready to embrace my first "different mothers day" with my family.....I never thought i would be able to say that.
It's crazy how much a year has made as far as healing. I think a lot of my healing has come through being Sadie's mom. I see things in her that i know her big sister would have done the same and I have seen so many signs that Berk is watching over us. I love seeing pictures of them side by side..they look so much alike! I love seeing Sadie interacting with kids that would be Berk's age. A few weeks ago my friend and I were joking around about how her child acts like she is mine. She is a precious little girl, full of spunk & personality. She is about two weeks younger than Berkley would be. I think God placed this sweet friend back in my life to show me glimpses of what my girl would be like. I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that she shares all her stories with me. I know in these past few years of healing, God has allowed me to see Berk through different avenues. I know it has all been laid out in His perfect timing!
So whats the difference in these two pictures? Both are full of fear, I can tell you that but between picture one and picture two, is so much more. I have grown in my faith, I have learned the meaning of life, I have felt the presence of God, I have been up close and personal with depression, I have found myself on my knees more often than not, pleading for God to send me my child back...it has been pretty ugly at times, BUT GOD.
It hasn't been an easy road, its been a heck of a climb, but the view....
Healing is only in His Name, Healing is only in HIS timing!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all women of all ages! Women with children, with children who have passed away, with grown children, young children, adopted children, or just the idea of children in their hearts!
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