She'll never play alone...

Sometimes I struggle thinking that my sweet girl may be an only child--ish. If you've read my other post you know that I struggle carrying full term and that we haven't decided if we want to take that chance again. Five years ago I was a type A, box-fitting only, scheduler with a life plan that would make you question when I had free time. I would have two boys, two years apart. We would live on a couple acres in cave spring. I would be done by 30 with children. At 35 I would transition to part time. Our savings would be heathy, 401-K progressing nicely, paid off vehicles and the financial freedom to do what we wanted with the boys...

Almost 4 years ago that all changed. David got deathly ill...recovered well but took 3 years to gain back any form of confidence. Little Berkley came at 24 weeks and was just not quite ready for this world. After two days of ups and downs she went to play with Jesus. We took the leap of faith again and almost a year ago our sweet Sadie came at 28 weeks...after 8 weeks of NICU time she was able to come home! Not only come home but come home heathy and thriving! It is absolutely insane to me that I'm planning a first bday party! So needless to say my boxes and plans were thrown out the window. We still live in our "starter home" in garden lakes on less than an acre....with neighbors, my savings is less than ideal from medical expenses, my 401-K contributions on hold, car payment and I have two girls....one in heaven and one on earth.

Ecclesiastes 8:6 says "For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a person may be weighed down by misery."

Hard to swallow after the ups and downs of the last few years. It's hard to fathom God being in the midst of all the sickness and death our tiny family faced. But He was and I have gained a closer relationship with Him and a better understanding of His love for me through all the trials.

In the same sense of my past, is the promise of my oh so uncertain future. It's hard to fathom being a mom of one living child. I can't imagine her growing up alone. As a woman who said she may never have children, a never baby-sitting, hating spit-up woman....I would have a house full now that I've had this past year with Sadie, but that may not be in the cards. She may be an only-ish child. The only certainty of my future is that His love will never leave me or foresake me. The only certainty of my future is that in His timing all will fall into place.

I posted a few weeks ago about the swing set and how God is constantly showing me glimpses of Berk. And He does....He allowed that swing to swing and let my little one swing with her big sister.

Luke 18:27 sheds more light..

"Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”."

No man can magically make a swing swing, no man can give me the sense of peace I felt with both my girls outside. No man, only Him. With Him and only through Him can I see glimpses of my little girl that I can no longer physically hold. 

Last night when we were snapping pictures on the beach, I was once again overwhelmed with His love and reassurance. See, in this same exact house last year, in this same exact spot on the beach, God showed me, in cloud form, an angel holding a baby. It was a beautiful sunset that I have framed in Sadie's nursery. I have never been quiet about the fact that I think that was Berk. I haven't held back the fact that it was the peace I needed to feel that night. 

Last night we were trying to get some cute pics of Sadie and I in the sunset....Miranda snapped this picture and when we got back to the room I was blown away by what I saw.

See that sillouhet? Wow. Do you see it? Say wow again. Berk is playing with us. I just know it. Berk is up there making sure her little sister is safe. I don't think Sadie will ever play alone. I don't think Sadie will ever have imaginary friends...in fact I think Sadie will have her big sister to play with. I'm sure of it. There will always be a presence with her. I carry B in my heart and I am so so certain that God will allow Sadie to feel that presence too. She may end up being an only-ish child, only time will tell, but what I do know is that she will never play alone. ❤️❤️