Divorced

I am the “smiler”…I always have been. No matter how difficult life has ever been, I have always tried to smile. Now I don’t think that is always bad. Knowing that God is in control and smiling because you know that is a sign of faith in the Almighty, but what I have come to know as bad, is being completely fake with people and not letting your brokenness show. I recently learned this the hard way….

I got divorced. Well not all the way but signed papers, sold a house, separate living, waiting on a court date, divorced. Separate money, divided assets, planned future holidays, shared weekends with our child, divorced. With the exception of our names being printed in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record, we were divorced. I was devastated. Devastated for Sadie, devastated for my family, devastated for me…but I don’t know that in the initial moments I was focused on the right things, the God things. Because as I said, I am the “smiler”. I couldn’t let others see me fail.

I remember when our marriage started to crumble. It was so overwhelming that we both just ignored the signs. We numbed out to what was happening, didn’t take any action and our marriage slipped right between our fingertips. Our affection was gone, our sympathy and compassion for each other had completely left and we were just two kids who grew up together and grew apart. We had families that adored each other, we were pretty perfect from the outside.

I remember the day he said he thought we needed to separate…it was July, during VBS. I was shocked. I remember calling my sister and boohooing…what would I do? We have a child now, I love Jesus…I couldn’t possibly get divorced. My family doesn’t do divorce. Oh great, the first one with tattoos and the first one to get divorced...#winnersinner of the Padgett black sheep award goes to me.

Looking back on all my thoughts, how selfish was I to only consider myself? How selfish of me to only be concerned with how I would be viewed by other people. How selfish of me to assume the worst about David and not consider how hard it was for him to say those words…looking back I was trying to protect some “image”, some “plastic life” that isn’t realistic and not Christ like at all. We did start therapy and that was very encouraging for me. I saw David in real honesty for the first time in a long time but sadly we only made it a few more months before David moved out.

It was October…just starting to get chilly. I was an absolute basket case. I tried to cling to God but I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. As much as we had been through as a couple, why now? I tried to be okay…but I was a wreck. I said things like “all things come together for good” and “God is with me and I will be okay”….but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I was smiling, making Lauren the “Christian” look like she was trusting…but the truth is I was falling further and further away from God. Maintaining the smile wasn’t drawing me closer to God, it wasn’t showing that HE was getting me through, I was showing nothing of the sort. I was showing that Lauren could put on a fake smile while her insides burned, that Lauren could laugh and make sarcastic jokes just to survive….but by no means would anyone know that I was a total wreck. Only those who truly know me could see through the smile. It was ugly, some days worse than others. The only motivation I had was Sadie but some days that wasn’t enough. Some days I could barely function.

January 2^nd, David came to the house with divorce papers…this is where we were. We had survived the holidays with Sadie. Our families were very understanding and loving toward us but now it was back to reality…we were getting divorced. We flipped through question after question with no disagreements. We didn’t not get along, we didn’t argue…we just made decisions. It reminded me of the time we were at the funeral home preparing for Berkley’s service…it was just business. This had to be handled so we got through it. We eventually hired an attorney and it was off to the races…we met there frequently to discuss and finalize how we would raise Sadie, because let’s be honest, that is all that mattered. Most days I sobbed uncontrollably after I put Sadie to bed. Days passed by like molasses. I couldn’t wait until Sadie was asleep because I was finally free to breathe. Free to grieve in the darkness of my own home where no one would see me. It was a grieving process…I had lost someone so dear to me and I was going through the same motions I did when we lost Berkley, only he was still alive. I was slowly rotting from the inside out but I didn’t want anyone to really know where I was. I yelled at God, pleaded with David, pleaded with God, I didn’t understand, I wanted to desperately to have my marriage back. I tried to grasp on to things to fill me up but I was empty. The man I had loved for most of my life was gone. Our marriage was over. There was nothing left of us but words printed on pages in official fonts with a lot of places to sign….and then that day came. We signed. Tears dropped on each page as I signed my name. I was divorced. In 30 days he would go to court and then our names would be in black and white in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record…how dreadful.

It was around this time I started to show real emotion. I don’t know why…maybe because it was done, maybe I didn’t feel like it was up in the air anymore or maybe it was because I could no longer hide from what was going on. For the last 3 years I have worked so hard on authenticity. I have worked on showing the real authentic Lauren and through this process of pain I lost that and I hated myself for it. My writing stopped, I stopped reading, I stopped blogging, no more bible study, no more thankful prayers…I kept pushing all my feelings down because no one could know how I had failed at marriage. I was a disgrace, or that’s how I felt anyway. Shutting people out due to shame and regret had become the only way i knew to deal with the pain. 

As a trained up Jesus lover, one would assume i would cling to verses like... 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

I knew all the right encouraging words that i would say to someone else but i had no ability to apply them to my life. That is what happens when life drags you down...you get so caught up in your pain and your darkness that you can't see the light that you could show to someone else.

I found an old book I had read years ago while grieving Berkley and started trying to find my “me” again. The book is called “Reclaiming Your Heart”, a book about reclaiming a heart for Christ amidst life’s unthinkable tragedies. I found a quote by the author, Denise Hildreth Jones and it resonated with me because I was in a storm, one of the toughest I'd ever faced. 

“Some things just couldn't be protected from storms. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once old thing were broken off, amazingly beautiful thing could grow in their place.” 
― Denise Hildreth Jones

I say all this to say being real and transparent is the only way I started to heal. Owning where I was in my life and accepting that I didn't have to fit a plastic mold helped me find my place in the world again, with or without David. Shutting down my heart was no way to heal. 

Thankfully and prayerfully, David and I are back together. It was within those 30 days that he came to me broken and we started working on us again. We are a walking testimony of Christ's love for us. Every day holds a different challenge but through our communication, seeing each other’s perspective and transparency with each other we are doing really well. Sadie has her parents again. We have each other again. And more importantly we have God as the center, knowing we would have never made it through our mess of a life without His love and guidance. David and I fought his illness and near death experience, our daughter’s death, chronic illness, depression and a whole other list of pains together but we didn't face them together and we didn't face them with God in the center...that was the downfall of our marriage. 

A song came on the radio this morning and inspired me to share this closed up most recent, personal, chapter of my life so I'll end with some lyrics to this amazing song...

“But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
'Cause You see the real me

And You love me just as I am

Wonderful, beautiful is what You see
When You look at me”

-Natalie Grant