Henry is ONE

Oh sweet Henry, how I prayed for you. I prayed for you from the moment we knew you were growing inside of me. We prayed for a long healthy pregnancy. We started doctor appointments immediately and came up wth a medical plan to try and prevent early labor. But the countless doctor appointments, medicines, and shots couldn’t alter what the Lord intended. You came early in to this world like a champ and we watched you fight to survive and defy odds most days you were here. I pleaded with God to allow me to be your mommy on earth, if only for a little while longer. I pleaded with God to shield me from this pain again...but after 7 days I had to say goodbye. This past year has been hard without you here, very hard. Although I had experienced this loss with your sister, the oh so familiar pain was unbearable at times. 

So sweet boy, while I struggled all night to sleep and even more so to put some words together to honor you, I can’t help but be filled with gratitude.

I am grateful for my week. 

I am grateful to have gotten to hold you. 

I am grateful to have been able to change your diaper and kiss your sweet feet. 

I am grateful to have been able to sing to you.

And as much as my heart ached, I am grateful that I was able to rock you to Jesus. 

I am grateful to have had a week with you even if it meant losing you. You will always be my little boy...happy 1st birthday Henry! I love you sweet boy! My mama heart just knows you and Berkley are playing and dancing with Jesus. 

See you soon, 

Mama

Pain and Growth

One year ago today I went for my weekly doctor appointment to check on baby Henry. Every week I got a shot and every week I saw an OB. At my previous appointment everything was fine and healthy so I had no reason to believe that anything was going on. Within a few hours I was admitted to Floyd with pre-term labor. I was 22/5. After the results of my two prior pregnancies, I was well aware of what the odds of a healthy baby were and terrified of the pain and heartache I was about to face. My entire body shook from the moment I was told to go to the hospital. My mind jumped from scenario to scenario for the next 3 weeks of bed rest. With each ultrasound I feared the worst, when my water broke I knew it was the end, and when Sadie cried missing me at home the guilt was so bad I vomited. Some moments were a blur and some moments so clear, i wish I could forget them.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year. In a few short weeks we will celebrate his 1st birthday and one week later be reminded of the last breath he took. It has been a hard year, no doubt, and it hasn’t passed peacefully without pain, doubt, anger, or emptiness but it has also been a year of growth and Hope....

Have you ever seen a weed growing up in the concrete? Like one tiny twig sticking up between breaks in concrete that you immediately want to spray with weed killer? I saw one this morning and was given this nugget...Good things can grow in hard places and sometimes the hard places stimulate the growth. I know this because I’ve lived it. I know this because God leaves us examples in scripture of growth from hard places. It is not always a pleasant process, in fact it often may look like a weed sticking out of place in the concrete but it doesn’t negate the growth. The circumstances we are in have nothing to do with the perfection of the gifts God has given us or will give us during the hard seasons.

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭

So while I’m coming up on a hard anniversary and while the season I’m celebrating ended in devastation. While there are still days of extreme grief and overwhelming emptiness, it doesn’t make sweet Henry any less than a perfect gift from God. Even the hardest of days don’t take away the memories of one week on earth, or 25 weeks of belly life. 

Good things can grown in hard places.

Hard places don’t negate perfect gifts from God.

Amen and Amen. 🙌🏼 

Side note: it was raining and I was late so stopping my sloth like moving morning child to take a picture was less than optimal....so I googled an image for the post.  🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

Missing God-Spired moments

I am so God-spired at the beach, y’all. Something about no schedule and late nights, I really allow God to speak through the smallest of things. My last post was God-spired but also kicked off by my sweet mama saying “well if that doesn’t sound like your next blog”...I love my sweet mama, she gets me. Sometimes I forget to pay attention to the God-spired moments and people like my sweet mama remind me to pray about it so I can be led with His spirit. Sometimes I forget that He has blessed me with the gift of gab and that I must pay attention to the nuggets of wisdom that He gives me through my sweet girl.  Being at the beach I seem to be more aware of these moments but tonight, I almost missed a God-spired moment again...🙄🤷🏼‍♀️ I blame exhaustion.

We were out hunting shells while Sadie was literally chasing the pink sky, and I noticed she kept dropping tiny shells in my bucket. I couldn’t hear what she was saying each time she put one in the bucket so I just smiled as she ran around finding more. When I asked her what the shell was she said “it’s a butterfly shell and we have to keep them. It’s important”. 

Everything is important to this precious 3 year old so my first thought was that I would just rid them when she wasn’t looking because they are tiny and they’re too small. But that’s when God was like “hello Lauren, just because you can’t see the beauty doesn’t mean someone else can’t”. Such an elementary concept, right? Turns out this “butterfly shell” is called a Coquina...a tiny clam shell. They are like the size of your fingernail. It has two holes on each side, smart folks call them siphons but us common folk would say “tiny hole”. One takes in food and oxygen while the other dumps waste. The shells she was finding are open and look like a butterfly. I guess the tiny clam has come out and all that’s left are the open shells....I don’t really know, but from what I understand they are basically temporary houses for the tiny clam. So as far as their purpose, they’ve served it. But let me tell you something, through those sweet butterfly shells God taught me an old lesson. Much like we are taught about having  a “child like faith”, I saw that the beauty my child sees is way different than mine. Her perspective isn’t jaded like mine. So what I may see as too small to matter or waste, she sees as a butterfly. We adults are so jaded by the world, distracted by our stressors, and worried by obligations that we often miss the beauty that our sweet little ones see. I saw a purpose filled, washed up shell become beauty to a 3 year old. I was not only taught a lesson on beauty and perspective, but quickly reminded that no matter where we are in life, how purpose filled we feel, how worthless or washed up we may think we are, God can still use us. 

God has purpose for our pain, healing in His name and He works all things together for good.

Praise Hands for that! 🙌🏼