Jesus, Yall!

This week is crappy. It always is. Some days are good and some days are bad but most days I’m just in a fog. It’s like the world is happening around me and I have ear buds in....the squishy kind you use in a factory. I can hear noises, but no words really, just buzzing noises. It’s a similar silence to the silence that struck when Berks machines stopped beeping. Even though all the other babies were still hooked up with beeping machines...when your child’s machine stops, your life stops. Your hearing fades...nothing feels real. It’s a deafening silence. One that you can recall so easily, way too easily...especially on the foggy days. 

Today has been one of those foggy days and while my emotions have gotten the best of me in so many ways, God did reveal to me this peace. While I experienced this deafening silence, Berk experienced Jesus. And while I have foggy days, Berk is with Jesus. Jesus, y’all! 

What more can you want for your child than Jesus? 

Happy Meeting Jesus Day, Berkley Lane! Mama loves you! 

Conviction Time

Please excuse my morning video...Yall. it was bad. God convicted me. The only way I wouldn't attempt an argument with God was if I posted it without re-watching it. >insert face palm emoji<

I love love love getting to know people. As terrible as I am at forming relationships, I’m not so good at letting people get to know me or love me, learning about other people is my absolute favorite. What makes them tick. What causes their reactions to be so coarse or their words to be so sharp. I love seeing peoples “why”. The problem I have, and I think a lot of us have, is that I lose a lot of opportunity to learn the why by focusing so much attention on the result of the why. Does that make sense? Let me explain what I mean.  

 I may completely ignore someone because of how they are expressing themselves. Whether they are expressing themselves through their clothes, hair, actions, words or body language, I have a tendency to lose an opportunity to walk life with that person by judging them…without knowing the why behind it. And y’all that is just plain ugly. Why is it so hard to love people where they are?

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”

John 15:12  

Jesus is like, look guys. I love you all past your mess so try and love others like I loved you. That is super hard, right? I have been praying for months now about seeing people past themselves, just to see peoples heart. I want to see their why before I react to them but Lord help my mouth because I am so quick to pop off whatever enters my mind and that isn’t pleasing to God. In Chapter 3, James ((brother to Jesus)) tells us that a salt spring cannot produce fresh water.

^"9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."

James says something huge here that really caught my attention “in Gods likeness”. I have been told, read the verse a thousand times, and heard many sermons from Genesis 1:27....

^"27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."

Side Note: I love when something is repeated in the New Testament. >Insert Praise Hands<.

We all know it by heart but hearing it out of the mouth of James spoke deep to me this morning. News Flash y’all…God created us all in HIS likeness. He said it twice. Its kinda like when your mama has to ask you to do something more than once...we all know what happens next. 

We are all doing our best in messy lives with ever changing circumstances. We all want acceptance and love from others so why do we make it so hard for others to receive it? We take one bad action, on difference in opinion, one bad day, and throw people in the returns bin. I am so guilty of letting my mind think “you are a defect, go back to where you came from” when someone crosses me wrong. What kind of world would we live in if we only saw the why in people? If we looked past the person to see their heart we would be broken over the circumstances that led them to where they are. 

My favorite thing about reading is getting to know the author. I read very little fiction, but if I do, I want to know about the author. What made this author choose this topic? Was it happenstance? Was it just creative thinking or did they have a circumstance or trial that they modeled their book after? Were the characters based on people in their lives or people they just dreamed up? That must be why I am drawn to nonfiction. I love to read books about how circumstance or challenges changed a person. Would we love this person just as much during the journey? Would we lovingly support them in the midst of their ugly mess and extend them grace? Sadly i think no. I think we love reading about the ending but fail to remember all the not so pretty moments during the journey. 

I know that during some of my darkest days I said some very insensitive things because of my circumstances. When we are in our darkest, no matter our intention, we don't always act in a Jesus like fashion. I am sure that at some point, someone has thrown me in to the defective bin and asked for me to be returned.

This isn’t Target y’all, we can’t just throw people away. As Moses, maybe Moses, says in Genesis and as James so eloquently confirms…we are all made in Gods likeness, HIS IMAGE.

I don’t know about you but I am so thankful that Jesus knows my why. If it weren’t for His infinite Grace we would all be in that return bin with a Red slash on us “Mark down, sold as is” and I hate to think that I would ever judge someone so harshly. Pray with me to have eyes that see past all the mess and extend grace like Jesus. 

ask the lonely..

"Inside is where the heart grows
Picking up the pieces
Something more to believe in" Journey

Im about to say something that may blow a few minds...

Loneliness is something I've always struggled with. Woah--I know, how can loud and obnoxious Lauren struggle with loneliness? Well it took me a while to give a name to this awful feeling and even longer to figure out the why. And let's be honest, I spend just as much energy covering up the loneliness as I do trying to make the physical ache of loneliness go away so I didn't do a whole lot of soul searching when it came to this topic. Because in my mind, lonely people are sad people...and I'm not sad, I'm truly not sad. I have inner and outer joy, there's no doubt about that, so how could I be lonely? And worse, cue one of my biggest fears, how can I open up and show a little vulnerability on a subject that could possibly make people question my authenticity? 

And let me also say that this started well before losing Berkley. Loss can make you feel all kind of emotions in a whole new way. It can escalate the mildest of hurts very quickly. But no, this loneliness isn't associated with grief. This loneliness is self inflicted and directly associated with fear. 

I've been reading "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurts...she is my jam, let me just tell you. She speaks Lauren, fluently. And no worries, I told my therapist about Lysa-she can use all the help she can get deciphering Lauren. I say that to say that I picked up the book because of my love for her, not because I've ever felt left out or uninvited...not that I would admit anyway. She takes rejection to a level I've never associated with rejection. She says this: "rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what's been said to me.." And in this statement, "Lauren's loneliness--but not sad"-has a reason. Yes I had to give it a full name. Hello my name is Lauren and I am a label maker...

The fear of rejection is what keeps me from allowing relationships to blossom or even begin, this I knew. This I've tracked back--thank you therapy. I have example after of example of why I fear getting too close to people but that doesn't change that I have "people". I have people, wonderful fabulous Lauren lovers that feed my soul with energy and remind me of Gods love for me on a regular so loneliness just sounds ridiculous.

Most people who know me, know that I am such a sore loser. I am competitive to a fault...so I choose not to participate. If I lose, at anything...there is a 99% chance that I am going to show my tail, possibly cry, get a rash across my chest, pull my hair up, and have to apologize later for my behavior. I'm serious. I will also probably spend the following days analyzing why someone would want to hang out with this psychopath who just threw her club during mini golf...and then, I'll push away. That fear of someone not wanting to spend time me with, not that I blame them, has caused me to learn to adapt to loneliness. The same concept that led me to walk away from sports causes me to keep my distance, "sit this one out" and causes my heart to stay lonely in fear of losing someone or something dear to me. Turns out, I've known all along why I have a loneliness ache. Also-as a Southern Baptist >Jesus lover<who rarely misses a Sunday, I know that my hope and heart should rest in God and not in others approval or even my own. So why, if I know all these things, if I have all the tools, have I allowed myself to have this achy feeling and allow this scare tactic emotion to keep me separated from others...even God? What keeps me there? What keeps me from pursuing things I enjoy? Is others judgement or my own judgment? I'm going to venture out and say it's #2...and just like a #2, it's stinky and smelly. It's a judgment fueled by negative self talk and uninvited insecurities that keep me from relationships, career goals, and being who God intended me to be. So in turn I self inflict loneliness because the fear of judgement is far more painful than the fear of loneliness. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm rambling... So when Lysa said "what's been said to me"....clearly I heard, what "I've said to me"

I am slowly learning ways to reject the fear but why is it, with all these tools, I still have to fight this tendency to go into my lonely place? 

My friend Lysa, sweet Lysa who doesn't know me, said something that has resonated with me for the past 24 hours--"Inspiration and Information without personal application will NEVER amount to transformation." 

If we don't put into practice what we know, it's just useless knowledge. It's not anymore beneficial than negative self talk...it's all just words scattered in our minds. What if we took all the tools we have and actually put them into practice, in our daily lives?? I do it in some aspects of my life, so why not when it comes to some of my biggest fears? 

I have challenged myself to go beyond fear and beyond just talking about it. My goal is to daily put in to practice positive self talk and to not allow fear to control my thoughts, decisions, and ultimately outcomes in my life. I want to push lonely in to a corner for a time out, forever. In order to do that I have got to meditate on scripture and stay focused. I am sure the devil will do all he can to get in the way so I have put a few verses down that I am going to be meditating on over the next weeks. It's time to accept that I'm valuable, that I matter, and that no ones opinion, not even my own, can take away from who God made me to be. I don't have to choose to be lonely anymore...it's wasted pain. 

Praise God for revelations from writers who follow His commands for their lives! 

And coffee...also praise God for that. Never leave that out of your daily prayers, guys. 

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

- 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

"So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

- Hebrews 13:6 KJV

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

- Genesis 1:27 KJV

Two Years, One stairwell

The stairwell leading to the 3rd floor is a stairwell I, we, are all to familiar with. For 8 weeks we walked those stairs to the NICU. Most days I walked those stairs with a heavy heart. Every morning, every night, and most lunch breaks I walked those steps...the same daunting steps with the same "too clean" hospital smell. Tonight we payed a visit to the NICU nurses that so lovingly took care of our girl. I am not going to lie, I was a little nervous about how I would handle walking back in those doors. We had an awesome visit with some amazing women! I loved getting to see their faces when they saw not so little "Frass". The NICU is temporarily on the 5th floor but we were going back down to see my nephew. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Baby Will is HERE and perfect! So we ended up on the 3rd floor before we headed home.

When we left we took the stairs and let me just tell you, I received such a blessing in that daunting stairwell.

Two years ago I couldn't imagine taking her home, much less her growing up and blossoming into the well adjusted little girl that she has. 

Tonight I watched her walk down the "big steps" with her daddy. It did this mamas heart so good to see her take the "big steps" and have such joy in her heart. It really changed my perspective on that daunting stairwell. As much as I hated walking those steps, they were walked probably close to 300 times between the two of us, they were the steps we had to walk. They weren't fun but those steps were only a path for us to walk for a short period. Those steps were access to our girl whenever we wanted to see her. Those steps caught a heck of a lot of tears, lots and lots of tears..but those steps also heard joyous phone calls to family and friends when Sadie had a great day. Sometimes "big steps" are the hardest steps to take. They are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and quite frankly...scary as hell. I have learned the importance of steps, big and baby, and am slowly learning that steps are only a temporary path to something new and beautiful. My prayer is that I start taking the time to see the beauty in the "big step". My prayer is that I rest my "big step" doubts in God and not in fear. He is the only one who can walk those temporary "big steps" with us and provide us the true comfort and peace we need. 

Praise God for those steps and for blessing me to be a mama to this little spit fire! 

Selfish Soul Sucking Seasons

I am currently in a season of life that is sucking my soul dry. A selfish dramatic soul sucking, but a soul sucking none the less. A season that we will name "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season. Now I know it shouldn't be about the space, I know that home is where your heart is, I know people have much much less...but I'm also a recovering perfectionist, a gluten for an organization project, and a slight control freak. And praise God for His abundant Grace because I am have been one pill of a person to live with. Since the house sold, and David had moved out, and we got divorced and undivorced <insert laughter here>, we are living in a one bedroom apartment. It's tiny. We have stuff at my in laws, my parents, a storage until...my "stuff" is literally scattered all over Floyd County. <FacePalmEmoji>. So needless to say I just don't feel settled. When I'm home I want to make lists on lists of where everything is so that I feel in control of something. And even then if my handwriting gets messy, I start over. And sometimes i have been known to just buy a new notebook all together. I want to clean out the closet everyday because there is so much stuff it's overflowing. I can just about see every room from any place in the apartment and everything could use some organizing. Ohhhhh and tiny diva toddler Sadie...she lives here too. <insert picture of pink crap everywhere>. I'm a bit overwhelmed and not exactly dealing with this so well. Thankfully, David frequently gets me back on track with what really matters. He reminds me that I sponser a child who sleeps on dirt floors and that we're together and everything else is just stuff...and while he is absolutely right, it doesn't make it any easier to control the massive unease and anxiety I get when I walk in the door. Most days I just anxiously await bed time so I can turn off the lights and pretend everything is in it's place. I know I'm whining but it's real life for me right now and it's very uncomfortable....bear with me, I'm reluctantly trying to embrace this season. 

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. I've always believed that every season isn't forever and a lesson is learned in each one. I think this is probably a season of patience and growth...and I know if I allow God to work in this season His glory will shine. 

See...there's this kid who lives next to us that has really grown attached to David. He is 8ish and lives with his mom and his new baby sister. I recently met his mom and she immediately tells me that she has a similar journey to our Berkley journey. I broke down and told her our story and we cried together, bonding over our loss. Her story is more fresh than mine and her current situation is very different that mine, but we are both mamas. Both mamas who experienced a loss and both mamas with rainbow babies. So as Connie would say " now Lauren, I can't help but think that God put you in that apartment to meet her"....and she is right. She needs love, friends and support. She doesn't have any friends who've experienced loss like that. I don't know if she has any religious affiliations or believes in God...all I know is that I need to help walk with her through this journey. So I'm prayerfully trying to allow myself to breathe in these moments. I'm prayerfully trying to relax and enjoy the simplicity of our tiny home. I'm also prayerfully trying to remember that this season won't last forever. Tonight I ran across one of my notebooks, that I was throwing away because my handwriting was ugly, and found this. This I wrote during David and I's separation. This I wrote at one of my lowest points. This i wrote during a season of growth...and that season has past. I am not sharing it for sympathy, brace yourself it's raw, but just to further point out that as long as one season may be, as hopeless as it may seem, It can be beautiful if we allow Him to work in those lulls, in the down seasons. 

Written Feb 24th 2017.

"Can't sleep. I hate myself. I don't know how to be a good mom to Sadie. I am failing at everything I touch. I feel like I destroyed my marriage and I'm allowing my child to be impacted by those decisions. I am a horrible person. Nothing about me Is lovable. I almost wish I couldn't feel love so i wouldn't ache for it when I know I don't deserve it. I don't have the ability to decipher my head and my heart anymore. I'm praying, I'm seeking, I'm doing my best, but I'm failing. And I know I have to let go of some pride, I know I have to allow people to love me. Living in this shell and box has caught up with me and I've never felt so alone in all my life. I've lost myself..  "

It was a crappy season, undoubtedly one of my worst, but a season that is now over and a beautiful reclaimed marriage has come out of it. Praise God for those growth seasons....because if in those lull seasons, in those valleys, we learn who we can lean on, beautiful things can happen. 

I am so thankful I found this notebook tonight...I am going to keep reminding myself during this  "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season, that this too shall pass. 

5 years

It feels like yesterday...

We had been through what we thought was the worst of the worst. We felt confident that we could finally let the world know that we were expecting a baby! It was going to be the miracle amongst our pain....all would be okay. Only 12ish weeks later, we said hello and goodbye within 72 hours. 

I can't believe it's been 5 years. 

I've written before about how I feel like Berkley had so much purpose while I carried her and I still hold on to that truth. 

What a blessing it is to have carried her, what a blessing it is to have delivered her, what a blessing it is to have held her, and what a blessing it is to see glimpses of her. 

Divorced

I am the “smiler”…I always have been. No matter how difficult life has ever been, I have always tried to smile. Now I don’t think that is always bad. Knowing that God is in control and smiling because you know that is a sign of faith in the Almighty, but what I have come to know as bad, is being completely fake with people and not letting your brokenness show. I recently learned this the hard way….

I got divorced. Well not all the way but signed papers, sold a house, separate living, waiting on a court date, divorced. Separate money, divided assets, planned future holidays, shared weekends with our child, divorced. With the exception of our names being printed in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record, we were divorced. I was devastated. Devastated for Sadie, devastated for my family, devastated for me…but I don’t know that in the initial moments I was focused on the right things, the God things. Because as I said, I am the “smiler”. I couldn’t let others see me fail.

I remember when our marriage started to crumble. It was so overwhelming that we both just ignored the signs. We numbed out to what was happening, didn’t take any action and our marriage slipped right between our fingertips. Our affection was gone, our sympathy and compassion for each other had completely left and we were just two kids who grew up together and grew apart. We had families that adored each other, we were pretty perfect from the outside.

I remember the day he said he thought we needed to separate…it was July, during VBS. I was shocked. I remember calling my sister and boohooing…what would I do? We have a child now, I love Jesus…I couldn’t possibly get divorced. My family doesn’t do divorce. Oh great, the first one with tattoos and the first one to get divorced...#winnersinner of the Padgett black sheep award goes to me.

Looking back on all my thoughts, how selfish was I to only consider myself? How selfish of me to only be concerned with how I would be viewed by other people. How selfish of me to assume the worst about David and not consider how hard it was for him to say those words…looking back I was trying to protect some “image”, some “plastic life” that isn’t realistic and not Christ like at all. We did start therapy and that was very encouraging for me. I saw David in real honesty for the first time in a long time but sadly we only made it a few more months before David moved out.

It was October…just starting to get chilly. I was an absolute basket case. I tried to cling to God but I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. As much as we had been through as a couple, why now? I tried to be okay…but I was a wreck. I said things like “all things come together for good” and “God is with me and I will be okay”….but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I was smiling, making Lauren the “Christian” look like she was trusting…but the truth is I was falling further and further away from God. Maintaining the smile wasn’t drawing me closer to God, it wasn’t showing that HE was getting me through, I was showing nothing of the sort. I was showing that Lauren could put on a fake smile while her insides burned, that Lauren could laugh and make sarcastic jokes just to survive….but by no means would anyone know that I was a total wreck. Only those who truly know me could see through the smile. It was ugly, some days worse than others. The only motivation I had was Sadie but some days that wasn’t enough. Some days I could barely function.

January 2^nd, David came to the house with divorce papers…this is where we were. We had survived the holidays with Sadie. Our families were very understanding and loving toward us but now it was back to reality…we were getting divorced. We flipped through question after question with no disagreements. We didn’t not get along, we didn’t argue…we just made decisions. It reminded me of the time we were at the funeral home preparing for Berkley’s service…it was just business. This had to be handled so we got through it. We eventually hired an attorney and it was off to the races…we met there frequently to discuss and finalize how we would raise Sadie, because let’s be honest, that is all that mattered. Most days I sobbed uncontrollably after I put Sadie to bed. Days passed by like molasses. I couldn’t wait until Sadie was asleep because I was finally free to breathe. Free to grieve in the darkness of my own home where no one would see me. It was a grieving process…I had lost someone so dear to me and I was going through the same motions I did when we lost Berkley, only he was still alive. I was slowly rotting from the inside out but I didn’t want anyone to really know where I was. I yelled at God, pleaded with David, pleaded with God, I didn’t understand, I wanted to desperately to have my marriage back. I tried to grasp on to things to fill me up but I was empty. The man I had loved for most of my life was gone. Our marriage was over. There was nothing left of us but words printed on pages in official fonts with a lot of places to sign….and then that day came. We signed. Tears dropped on each page as I signed my name. I was divorced. In 30 days he would go to court and then our names would be in black and white in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record…how dreadful.

It was around this time I started to show real emotion. I don’t know why…maybe because it was done, maybe I didn’t feel like it was up in the air anymore or maybe it was because I could no longer hide from what was going on. For the last 3 years I have worked so hard on authenticity. I have worked on showing the real authentic Lauren and through this process of pain I lost that and I hated myself for it. My writing stopped, I stopped reading, I stopped blogging, no more bible study, no more thankful prayers…I kept pushing all my feelings down because no one could know how I had failed at marriage. I was a disgrace, or that’s how I felt anyway. Shutting people out due to shame and regret had become the only way i knew to deal with the pain. 

As a trained up Jesus lover, one would assume i would cling to verses like... 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

I knew all the right encouraging words that i would say to someone else but i had no ability to apply them to my life. That is what happens when life drags you down...you get so caught up in your pain and your darkness that you can't see the light that you could show to someone else.

I found an old book I had read years ago while grieving Berkley and started trying to find my “me” again. The book is called “Reclaiming Your Heart”, a book about reclaiming a heart for Christ amidst life’s unthinkable tragedies. I found a quote by the author, Denise Hildreth Jones and it resonated with me because I was in a storm, one of the toughest I'd ever faced. 

“Some things just couldn't be protected from storms. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once old thing were broken off, amazingly beautiful thing could grow in their place.” 
― Denise Hildreth Jones

I say all this to say being real and transparent is the only way I started to heal. Owning where I was in my life and accepting that I didn't have to fit a plastic mold helped me find my place in the world again, with or without David. Shutting down my heart was no way to heal. 

Thankfully and prayerfully, David and I are back together. It was within those 30 days that he came to me broken and we started working on us again. We are a walking testimony of Christ's love for us. Every day holds a different challenge but through our communication, seeing each other’s perspective and transparency with each other we are doing really well. Sadie has her parents again. We have each other again. And more importantly we have God as the center, knowing we would have never made it through our mess of a life without His love and guidance. David and I fought his illness and near death experience, our daughter’s death, chronic illness, depression and a whole other list of pains together but we didn't face them together and we didn't face them with God in the center...that was the downfall of our marriage. 

A song came on the radio this morning and inspired me to share this closed up most recent, personal, chapter of my life so I'll end with some lyrics to this amazing song...

“But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
'Cause You see the real me

And You love me just as I am

Wonderful, beautiful is what You see
When You look at me”

-Natalie Grant

My sweet encouraging husband--just a snap shot

Exodus 3:14 14 "And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am"

My sweet David reminded me of this verse yesterday. It was one of those self loathing, pitiful Lauren, cried all day kind of Sundays. I spend most of the afternoon in tears over what "I am" or "am not". David reminded me of just how much power these two words carry. He said "there is a reason God said 'I AM'." And he is so right. Changing how we think can impact our mood so much more than we realize. If we claim it, we can sometimes end up becoming it...that's a dangerous slope of negative self talk that will spiral you into a depression real quick. 

He asked me to list 5 things I'm grateful for and to say it in sentence form...

"I am grateful for______, because_____".

After reluctantly doing this activity I instantly started feeling better. (I was also very grateful that we were having this moment)

I am sooo thankful he was so supportive, loving and understanding yesterday because I was a hot mess for sure! His words of encouragement and biblical truth helped me so much in my yucky day. 

I AM thankful for you, David Simpson!

And for those of you who don't know that side of him, don't lose hope the idiot David still exists....He also made me stand up and pose like Wonder Woman for a whole minute in an attempt to brighten my smile...😂😂😂