I’m holding on to Faith, but barely breathing

This is not a pretty post. There is no uplifting ending where my faith has gotten me through the trenches....nope, won’t find that here, not yet anyway. 

I’ve had 3 babies in less than 6 years. I have sacrificed my body and heart for my babies. I have prayed over all 3 babies in NICU yet I only hold one at home. I have given all 3 over to God in hopes that His will would look something like mine...yet here I am again. Grieving. Barely breathing. With a heavy heart and empty arms. Once again I am trying to come to terms with why I can’t carry a baby full term. Once again I am spending my days and nights reminding myself that Gods plan isn’t ours. That His plan is better than mine. That His plan will reveal in time and until them I have to rely on my faith. 

It’s been a week now since we held our Henry. It’s been a week since we rocked him into Jesus arms. So right now, I am not in the best of places. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lonely. My insides feel empty. I am mad at myself. I am mad at the situation. My mind doesn’t stop thinking about the whys and what ifs. I know that eventually I will get in a better place but now, now I’m not there. The real Lauren wants answers. The real Lauren wants to have a house full of babies and is bitter that she can’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll be okay. I know that God will carry me...He did it before and I know He is right now. I don’t doubt His goodness or His plan...I just don’t understand it yet. I know, I don’t have to understand to have faith so you have to understand that this is not a lack of faith. It’s a case of my desires not matching His will.

While I was on bed rest I said these words...

“It’s not that I don’t have the faith that God can keep me pregnant and protect my Henry. It’s that I don’t know that He will.” That is what I was most scared of, that my desires would not match His will. And here I am, and they don’t. I prayed they would because I was most scared of the darkness of grief. I barely survived it with Berkley and it took me years to get back to myself...I didn’t want to walk that dark road again. But here I am...barely breathing and dragging my feet.

I stink at not being okay and the fact that I have no inspiration at the end of this post is so not like me, but this grief stuff, this mucky darkness...it’s got a hold of me and I have zero inspirational “God will carry me” super spiritual things to say. I do know eventually I will see the good and His plan will make more sense but right now, right now I’m barely breathing.