A Turtle? Seriously.

I’ve been here before so one might assume I know what I’m doing with this whole grief thing...but I didn’t really do it last time. Fresh grief, that is. I did go through the grief process, but it was 2 years after Berk died. When we lost Berk, I was sure that everything would be fine. I marched on, numbing my pain with projects and working overtime. I forced smiles and even “faith” at times. I didn’t allow myself time to grieve immediately. So that being said, this is kinda new. I know how NOT to handle loss so I’m trying to deal with my most recent loss now, while it is fresh. And I’m super annoyed. In fact that’s the word I used to describe it to my therapist today. You see today I showered, put on makeup and a cute outfit that I named my “not just a grieving mother” outfit with intentions of being a bit stronger than I was yesterday. Yesterday was down right awful. I had a plan for some organizing and grocery shopping but as soon as I had a full buggy at the bargain hunt I saw a pregnant lady loading diapers in a buggy and I found myself leaving in tears. No purchases, full buggy on the diaper aisle. I drove to Walmart hoping to calm down and buy groceries, nope. Drove to the cemetery thinking I just needed to be with my babies, nope. I drove in circles for an hour...I was unable to calm down and face anything. I decided that today was going to be more than that so I put on my outfit ready to face the day. I had some errands before my appointment and I was also able to have lunch with my David so all was going to be okay...Until I saw a baby in Academy. See I was in Academy because in an effort to reclaim myself and my body I need new tennis shoes...

First is was the football gear, football gear for a boy I will not get to raise. Then it was the smell. Something reminded me of the hospital. And then I saw a baby boy...goodbye sanity and tennis shoes. I immediately left. This time, able to keep in my tears, I walked over to Bealls. I’ve only been in this store a few times and at this point I was just trying to distract myself until the all important therapy session where I would announce myself as “not just a grieving mother”. In Bealls I found a metal fragrance turtle. I have zero idea why I even picked this doodad up but I did....and then I lost control of my tears. I literally walked around this store crying and holding a metal turtle...y’all this went on for a good 20 minutes. A TURTLE. 1. I don’t do doodad trinkets so I would never pick this up. 2. The fragrance stunk. But here I was, once again, crying in a store. I put down the turtle and left this time in pursuit of coffee. Because drinking coffee keeps me breathing....end errand saga.

Later..in therapy, after I announced myself as “not just a grieving mother”, I realized that the cute dress I was wearing, though you wouldn’t know it, was actually a maternity dress. Yup. Torn between grief and moving forward, you’ll find me.

>Emoji with hand raised< 

But tonight I can’t stop thinking about the damn turtle, yes I cussed. In the moment it seemed stupid and had this not been laid on my heart, it probably would still but maybe the turtle is a symbol of progress. >Insert all turtle analogies here< 
Turtles move slow...really slow but they do move. And yes I just lost my son 2 weeks ago so I don't expect myself to move mountains but the ups and downs are so dang annoying. I can deal with good and i can deal with bad..but creeping up grief with uncontrolled tears, nerp...can't do it. But here I am, blogging about how maybe this gold metal fragrance turtle was speaking to me. Here I am surviving another day with little messages from Jesus...via a gold fragrance turtle. So what my “not just a grieving mother” outfit still dawned a maternity dress? I got up and wore more than gym shorts...progress is progress, no matter the pace. So what I cried in Bealls? I made it through one store without crying and that’s progress. I am going to try and remember that even on the awful can’t function days, getting up is progress and on the days where you feel like you can conquer the world, emotional moments will come ...but that’s still progress too. Learning that its completely okay to be sad one minute and find happiness the next, is progress. 
Right? Right. 

Damn turtle...