Rocking my babies to Jesus..

On Friday Henry would have been two months old. I would love to be posting a picture of him with a praise report from the NICU on how he is off of his vent or finally gaining weight and drinking from a bottle. I would love to post the same cheerful updates I was able to post with Sadie. But I’m not getting to post those updates. I’m not getting to post those updates because one week after I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world, I had to rock his sweet baby heart until it stopped. I rocked his sweet heart into the arms of Jesus. 

I was was journaling some thoughts on Henry tonight and this phrase kept leaving the tip of my pen, “into the arms of Jesus”. I used that same phrase when I talked about Berkley and now I am using it again about Henry. It’s a comforting phrase for me and I would assume every mother that’s lost a child. Knowing two of my babies are with Jesus is how I survive some days. I’m not sure where I first heard it or who initially coined the phrase but tonight it made me pause. It made me think about how different our perspective would be if we used that same phrase with our living children? I have never used that phrase in regards to Sadie. Why? Maybe it’s subconscious on my part...maybe it’s just a simple phrase I keep away from the one child I didn’t have to give back. I know how bitter and cynical that sounded..it wasn’t intentional, not that I don’t have dark moments where it would have been intentional, but in this case I just didn’t have the right fluff words to phrase it nicely—

Y’all, we have the open arms of Jesus for far more than just our children who have passed. We have His open arms with our living children too. What if everyday when we rocked our babies, we rocked them into the arms of Jesus? What would that look like? And what if once they were bigger, we held their hands and walked them to Jesus? What if every single day we gave our children, our living breathing beautiful babies, over to the open armed Savior of the world? Sure we pray for our children and lead them toward Jesus but what if we literally gave them to Jesus every single day? We have the ability to hand them off to a loving Father, no matter the age or status, so why don’t we? This phrase is taking on a new meaning for me and I am going to strive to be a mother who gives her babies over to Jesus while they’re still breathing too. 

#preachingtome

#spinningthephrase

#grievinggonerogue 

Tangled

Tangled:

existing in or giving the appearance of a state of utter disorder

AND/OR

existing in or giving the appearance of a state of utter disorder

I stare at this beautiful head of hair everyday, usually a tangled mess, and cross my fingers that she can stay distracted long enough for me to comb it. Every hair is wound around the other. Some are straight, some curly, some brown, some blonde. Each group of strands hold a unique knot with a different texture that I have to conquer in order to get it fully combed out. Utter Disorder at its finest. It’s exhausting and is accompanied by the most dramatic 3 year old cries you have ever heard. I’m not sure where she gets all her drama, y’all. Needless to say, there is a lot of chaos leading up to her gorgeous curls..

I sometimes feel like tangled is the best way to describe our emotions and how we carry them in our walk with Jesus. Utter Disorder. No matter what phase of life I’m in, I have always struggled with my tangled emotions. Am I hearing God speak or am I running on emotions/feelings? It’s hard to discern especially when our emotions are high. I don’t have the answer on discernment or some “how to” on listening for God. What I do know is that we are shown through the Bible God untangling the worst of circumstances and using them for His will. So just like the chaos that unfolds to untangle Sadie’s hair, it sometimes takes chaos to untangle emotions and hear what God is trying tell us. Maybe sometimes when we feel life is taking us on a detour, He is just “distracting” us long enough to allow our emotions to untangle and reveal the beauty behind the chaos. Maybe it isn’t utter disorder at all, maybe it’s disguised blessings. I truly don’t believe we will know this side of Heaven. What I do know is I am thankful that through all the tears and distractions, there is a beautiful ending and thankfully there is beauty in the becoming as we allow Jesus to comb through our tangles...

Never changing Truths

We are shown throughout scripture that God is the creator of all things. Because God is the creator of all things we are also shown that God can take away all things. To believe one concept we must believe the other as truth...and this can sometimes be a hard truth to swallow.

James 1: 17 says this...

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows”

"But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die." 2 Samuel 12:14

So in all biblical truth, Henry was never really mine...hard to swallow right?

In no way am I in a place to say out loud and fully feel with confidence, calming my sad destroyed heart, that Henry was never really mine. But just because I sometimes struggle to “emotionally” accept the truth doesn’t change it from being truth. God formed him. God knew him before HE formed him. We see that in Jeremiah 1:5. So If God chooses to take away what He has given me, shouldn’t I accept that as Gods will? Sure I should....but we are human and we live in a fallen world. We fight with nights of uncontrollable sobbing for things that we consider ours when nothing in this world is ever truly ours. Walking in Gods never changing truth while going through a period of ever changing emotions can be extremely difficult and confusing. When you have the knowledge of Gods truth but your emotions take you off into an unhealthy valley of untruths, your actions and reactions may no longer reflect the truth you know. And then battling the guilt of letting your emotions control you...that makes for a Day 2 emotional hangover. 

Lysa T said in her devotion Embraced,

"You see, if someone asked me “what are you all about?” I would have some nice sounding answers. But what actually happens during the strains of everyday life can sometimes betray my best intentions.” and quotes a verse from 2 Timothy.

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:16-17 says “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

If we are rooted in the truth, training ourselves in righteousness, the hope is that when life happens, we are equipped to walk the journey with Jesus. Walking in truth with Jesus is the only way that the circumstances that life will throw can be survived. This isn’t to say that mistakes won’t be made and questioning the whys and what if’s won’t come. I think that is all part of the journey. But I also like to think that even though I am not intentionally “using this as an opportunity for others to know Christ”, that being rooted in His truth will allow others to see Christ through the journey as well as help me walk in truth more times than not. Does that even make sense? For example, it requires no real intent or action for me to “have faith that this is God’s plan". I know because I am rooted in it. Do I question it, cry out to Him daily, fail, allow my emotions to lead me some days?? Sure. But I know (I have the head knowledge) that even though the worst of my days, He still makes everything good for HIS WILL. I like to think that is how others see Christ in us even when we can’t see Christ in ourselves. I like to think that being rooted enough in the truths will outshine the ugly “not so faith filled” emotionally controlled days..

I am so thankful that His word never changes...from beginning to end, I know His word is true, and that is what we have to rest on. That is what we must rest on when circumstances seem unbearable and emotions take control. So even though I can not, with full confidence and no tears, look at you in the eyes and say "Its okay that Henry isn't in my arms. This was Gods plan, Henry was never really mine and God will work it all together for good", I know that is the truth and that truth is what sustains me. That truth is sustaining me as I walk through the ups and downs of grief. And although some days I may feel more weak than others, His truth doesn’t change. Praise.God.