Why is being obedient so darn hard?

Psalm 128:1

Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to Him.

So there's that word....obedience. Ew.  I'm not good at it...at all, but we are called to be obedient. CALLED, by our Lord, by our Father. I fight it every.single.time. I've said before that I had been fighting the calling to publish a blog. And when I say fight, I mean gloves on, straps on my wrist...lets go 12 rounds kind of fighting. Who do I think I am to fight with a calling? Cleary I've given in because well, here we are, but I fought it, I was not obedient in this area of my life for quite some time. The more I read this verse today the more I think of what damage that can do, lack of obedience. Let's talk this out, shall we? When I'm not obedient....My relationship with God suffers, the Devil resides in my mind on a daily basis, he takes over my every thought, leaves me with guilt and the worthless feeling we all know too well. oh, oh and there's the whole other people may need to hear your story thing. So not only am I disappointing God with my lack of obedience but it could be affecting others. Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that if God is trying to reach someone, He will get them with or without my obedience to a silly blog but it would be so much easier if we just submitted to what He asks us to do. 

Verse 2 reads:

You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.

Oh that's just great, we also miss out on blessings. Can I just say that I am all about some blessings. I love the phrase "my cup runeth over". Mainly because I anticipate said cup being a coffee mug. I love a good feeing mug, that's a blessing in itself to me. Okay okay..I'm back from coffee fantasy land. So we disappoint God and then we miss out on His blessings, that's where I was. Also, since we are being disobedient, we are probably also allowing the Devil to control our thoughts so now we are telling ourselves we aren't worthy and beating ourselves down constantly...because that's helpful. It is so crazy how a small act of obedience can be such a blessing and how a small act of disobedience can escalate so quickly.

Yes, it would be easier to be obedient to every single thing He asks us to do, but we don't, we're human, it's just not going to happen every time. And sometimes it can be hard for us to know exactly what He is asking us to do. With this whole blog/writing thing, I had two women pushing me...almost daily. It really started when I was kept awake a lot with aching hands. It was the craziest feeing. They ached until I started writing. He kept me awake until i put my thoughts on paper. I've been writing for a while now but the ability to start the blog has been hard for me. Putting yourself out there and showing real raw emotion is scary but it was exactly what He was asking me to do. These two ladies prayed with me, interceded for me and helped me see when God was truly speaking to me. That's how God pulled me into obedience...with two praying sisters reminding me that He would be with me every step of the way. 

His love for us is beyond our ability to understand. We know this and yet it is so darn hard to be still and obedient to Him. To all my sisters out there who have fear holding them back from being obedient, I pray for you right now. Its so stinking hard. I struggle with it every single time I get out of bed, walk out of the house, every time I pick up a journal to write or my bible to read. 

Where can we start? How can we get into the practice of practicing obedience? Let's start with something relatively easy. Let's begin with being obedient by being true brothers and sisters in Christ to one another. Let's start by being obedient and loving our brothers and sisters the way we are called to. What would it look like if we all decided to be obedient to God in this way? Let's build each other up just as my two sisters built me up. We never know who is struggling to submit to His will. Let's be encouraging, let's hold each other at our lowest and let's help each other be obedient to whatever He has called us to do.

#loveaprayingsister

#hugahurtingheart 

#practiceobedience 

It's time....this is my story

So I've been contemplating blog life for like 2 years now. I've journaled and journaled until I got carpel tunnel...kidding. I have typed lots and posted some on Facebook but I never really felt like that was the outlet God wanted me to use. Plenty of people have said I should write a book...pretty sure I'm not ready for that. So a blog it is. I've fought it for a while...mainly because I'm extremely indecisive, beyond anxious and ridiculously insecure. 

So I guess I should tell you new people a little about myself. I'm married to a guy I've known since I was like 5. We decided to try dating in college and it's been "happily ever after"ever since. I just want to say that is the most ridiculous and unrealistic phrase ever. Anyway, we have been married 6 years and battled lots. He got sick in 06, blood clot in his brain...pretty serious. I graduated college in 07, we got engaged in 08. We got married in 09, he graduated and we bought a house in 2010. We had a pretty ideal easy perfect life...we weren't ready for the real stuff, the hard hard real life stuff. We loved Jesus, had supportive families, been in the same church our whole lives....we should be known better. By the way we call this next segment of life "The fall of 2012"...you should know this for future or past references. 

So based on our perfect, uneventful marriage, in 2012 we decided we were ready to have a baby. We both had good jobs, why not? We found out we were pregnant on June, due the next February. Oh I should also mention that my daddy had a heart attack in April. It was terrible and terrifying for my family. Ironically, in a completely inappropriate, over-sharing moment, Berkley was conceived that day. Gross, right? Ha. Okay, moving on... In July David got very sick, blood clot sick again. But this time we were shipped off to Emory in Atlanta. Away from home, two separate times, 14-15 days each time. It was exhausting and emotionally draining, especially on this first trimester girl! But we got through it...read my post "Joseph's story"...you'll see how God walked us through that journey with my precious Berkley. Oh, sometimes I call her Berk, know that.

Anyway in October I went into labor. I gave birth to our sweet Berkley at home alone on a dark and dreary October 10th. She was very small, weighing 1lb and 6oz., 12 inches long and absolutely beautiful. She was with us 2 days, she went to be with Jesus on October 12th. Most of my older posts are about her or revolve around things I've learned from her. It was the greatest loss I've ever suffered but the most beautiful moments of my walk with Jesus were birthed there. David got sick again in December of that year but has since been pretty healthy. Since then we have been on a climb. An uphill battle that has been daunting at times. But through the grace of God we have made it. We have grown in Him and grown with each other. We have just recently had our second Daughter, Sadie. Who I sometimes call Frass, know that. She is amazing. Also born prematurely at only 28 weeks, but she is now 3 months old and after 8 weeks in the NICU we got to bring her home! She is the most amazing little fighter I've ever known! Turns out I don't carry babies well, not my spiritual gift...but we have a healthy little girl at home who we couldn't be more grateful for! 

So that's my story...this is where I start I guess. I'm learning as I go so be patient with me. I've published a lot of older journal entries for background but they aren't in exact order of events...

I'll just start here. I ask you to pray with me as I walk this journey. I know God has a plan and purpose for our story and for now all I know to do is write and share it.

Going Unseen is the title of my blog...which probably makes absolutely no sense to you. You should know, I am a really happy person. I'm obnoxious and ridiculously cheerful and loud at times. I have a massive smile and have been told my energy is contagious. Those are all great characteristics, and I'm thankful that people view me in that way. But...what I have learned in the last few years is that things aren't always perfect cheerful rainbows and butterfly's. Things are ugly, life is hard, and we so frequently spend so much time trying to cover the ugly parts with makeup and put on a plastic smile like we are ashamed of the real stuff...we let our hard times go "unseen".  We fake it....and It.is.exhausting. NEWSFLASH...no one has it all together. To quote my best friend/sister "everybody has stuff babe". To most people the real Lauren has gone unseen. So here we are...starting a new journey of real feelings, raw emotion, and learning to be okay with the not so perfect moments. I'm learning everyday that walking with Jesus is the only way we can be okay with our "unseen" moments.

Oh and I'm hilarious so be prepared to laugh at me... 

#readysetgo

#iloveahashtag

Warnings, road signs and His plan..

Okay, so you know how you drive down the same road 2-3 times a week and you think you have seen everything there is to see on this boring stretch of road and all the sudden, bam...something you've never seen before is there. It's not a new sign or marker, or at least it doesn't look new, so when did it get there and how have you not seen it? Well yeah, that happened to me today. I was driving down a typical stretch of road for me when I noticed these signs that said "baker road next right" or "oak hill circle next left". 

My thoughts....

1. When did they put these up? And...

2. Why? These aren't big roads or big intersections...they are just side roads. Back residential roads. So why do we need a warning? 

Sometimes I wish I could have these signs for the side roads and ventures of my life....but for the big intersections, the really scary ones. Like "up ahead on hwy 27, my age at the time...clever I know, you'll have a sick husband and lose a child" but if you hang on "up ahead on hwy 29, you'll get pregnant again and on hwy 30 you'll bring home a healthy little girl". But we don't...we get really excited about getting married and then your spouse gets sick. And not like normal sick but like blood clot, old people illness, genetic, will affect your children, life altering, medication for life sick. You want to scream THIS IS NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! WHERE WAS MY WARNING!?! Or you get pregnant and just know you are going to have a normal pregnancy and bam...early labor, no warning for that, and you lose your little girl. WHY!?!

But that's where we must realize just how much bigger God is than we are. If we had warning signs before every turn in life...we'd never turn. We would never take a leap of faith. We would never allow ourselves to love or dream in anticipation of heartache and loss. You see, God has a bigger view than us. He has a wide lens while we just see what's in front of us. We have to trust in His view. We have to blindly go on faith that His plan is best. Because as much as we want to control every turn our life takes, as much as we want a huge warning sign of things to come, we couldn't handle it. Our feeble minds are just not advanced enough to process the not so perfect future in advance. Because let's be real...life is messy, turns can get ugly, sometimes you may find yourself so lost in the twists and turns and ups and downs of a side road that you think you may never get to the end. But you do, you always do, and if we knew those twisty dark roads were coming, we would stay straight. Its in the mess that we are blessed.....that's why He is God. We miss out on our greatest blessings when we stop allowing our faith to guide us. There is no bypass for the trials of life but we do have the best driver.....

#ridewithHim #letHimdrive #shotgun 

She still isn't home...but is my heart her true home?

Not being able to bring my sweet girl home is not easy. As the weeks have gone by it has only proven to be harder and harder to leave her at night. Most people get to see the beautiful happy baby pictures and see my happy posts on her weight gain...not many people see the realness of it all. Not many people see me on a bad day or see the exhaustion in my eyes. Not many people see when a combination of hormones, worry and pure exhaustion take over...I'll tell you, it isn't pretty. This is hard....dang hard! It's hard to know, as a woman, that you most likely won't be able to carry a baby full term. It's hard as a mommy to have to leave your baby at the hospital. It's hard as a wife to be the comfort your husband needs knowing you are dealing with the stress differently. We lost our sweet Berkley behind these same NICU walls, it's was beyond painful to walk back in the NICU and see our sweet Sadie in the same place. It's just hard. As hard as it all has been and will continue to be until she comes home, there is absolutely nothing like rocking my sweet girl and singing to her about Jesus. We may be in the NICU with beeping machines and she may be getting a tube feeding instead of a bottle, but in these moments, it's just me and my sweet girl. In these moments God shows me His faithfulness and gives me the peace and strength I need to keep going. I am so thankful for this amazing precious girl and every minute I get to spend with her. 

Sadie is here...it wasn't time. My baby isn't home with me.

I was sitting with my Sadie this morning and I started thinking about our lesson that my sweet sister taught yesterday morning. Praying for boldness, praying to share what Jesus has done in our lives, gaining confidence, getting refueled to share Christ with others. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm struggling with contentment in my story. This is not at all how I wanted my pregnancy to go, this isn't how I envisioned my life but this is my story. My story will never be the perfect family with perfect healthy pregnancies and perfect healthy babies.  Finding contentment in what is real as opposed to how we thought it should be is hard, really really hard. I think as women we struggle to share what Christ has done for us because we are too ashamed to admit the ugly. We are too ashamed to admit that we aren't okay and that we don't have it all together. We have to remember that we are all going through some type of struggle, whether it's a season or something that may cause struggle for a lifetime, it's a struggle. My prayer for us this week is that we can find contentment in our stories, even in the ugly, and share with others how He has worked in our lives. In our brokenness His light can shine, but we have to be content in where we are with the faith that He will carry us through it. 

Loving others...despite their shoes

"Love one another as yourself."

The preacher said that this morning and it won't leave my head. No matter how ridiculous someone is acting or treating us, Jesus died for them too. "For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten son..". I have to remind myself of that because sometimes I just want to boot them in the rear and call it a day. We are all human and at one point or another we are that annoying ridiculousness to someone else. To love another as yourself is commanded by God. And no matter how much self hate we have for ourselves at one point or another, at the end we usually put our well being first. So to treat someone and love them as we love ourselves, is a huge task. 

The crib, it's real, I'm going to have a baby...

So the crib is up. It's the same crib we used in the nursery when we were expecting to bring sweet Berkley home. The same crib that took me almost a year to take down. Although I'd been pushing my sweet husband to get the crib up, I will admit that when he texted me today saying it was up, I felt like I might puke. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. It took me to Berkley and to a million different places of pain. I was fully anticipating to come home and have a melt down seeing the crib in the same room. I mean it is the same room that we closed a door on for almost a year. The same room and crib that held so much pain for us. But actually, my reaction was quite the opposite. I got home and was filled with joy when I saw it up. I was filled with excitement of where I would be putting our sweet Sadie to sleep. I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling all the emotions and I was feeling earlier in the day. All the anxious anticipation was gone and I was full of excitement and joy. I walked around the crib and tried to envision where we would put it and how the bedding would look on the crib. I was starting to beat myself up for not being upset enough. For some reason I felt like I was doing Berkley an injustice by not being more emotional. But then....God. God placed this phrase in my head "beauty from pain, beauty from pain, I make beauty from pain". Woah. So very true. He turns our darkest moments into the most beautiful ones. He takes our deepest pain, and if we allow Him, molds us into who we need to be to show others how He can turn that pain into beauty. We try so hard to put on our strong face. We try so hard to box up all our pain in a bankers box, sit it on a shelf and label it "October 2012". Why? Why do we let pain hold us when we have a Father who can release us? We try to put it in a container, no matter how many years its been or how deep the cut, and we sit it to the side. It's like we think we can put it in a labeled box on the top shelf and then it won't affect us again. But much like a crib, there is no top and there are only rails where the pain can leak out. We can't contain our darkest moments of pain, and we shouldn't try to, not from God. God can turn our deepest pain into beauty. Each time I find myself turning a moment of pain over, He reveals something even more amazing. No matter how old or deep the scar runs, He will always use our pain for His glory if we allow Him. God has used my darkest moments to form me into the wife, friend, daughter, Christ follower, and future mama that I need to be. This pain has allowed me to comfort others who have lost babies and to learn to listen and feel when the Holy Spirit is moving in my life and in others. God has continually reminded me that I am not replacing Berkley and it's completely okay for me to miss her and be excited for Sadie all in the same breath. His ability to turn pain into beauty is nothing short of amazing. Some people have their pain revealed, some through no choice of their own, and allow Him to use that pain publicly. Others never have to reveal their darkest moments yet God still uses their pain to help others, to show compassion to others and to recognize people who just need love. It's not the public confession of our darkest moments that He needs, He just needs us to turn our pain over to Him. He needs to us accept the pain as it is and believe that He can heal us. He needs to us accept that our pain and imperfections don't make us unworthy of His love but make us vulnerable and a vessel for Him. He will use us however is best for His glory to shine and He will reassure us and hold us up as we let Him work. His reassurance and love for me came in the form of a crib today, a crib that held so much pain for me. He took the deep painful thoughts of loss and led me to the thoughts of a beautiful little girl that David and I will bring home later this year. I love reminders of how much He loves us and how powerful He really is.