The crib, it's real, I'm going to have a baby...

So the crib is up. It's the same crib we used in the nursery when we were expecting to bring sweet Berkley home. The same crib that took me almost a year to take down. Although I'd been pushing my sweet husband to get the crib up, I will admit that when he texted me today saying it was up, I felt like I might puke. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. It took me to Berkley and to a million different places of pain. I was fully anticipating to come home and have a melt down seeing the crib in the same room. I mean it is the same room that we closed a door on for almost a year. The same room and crib that held so much pain for us. But actually, my reaction was quite the opposite. I got home and was filled with joy when I saw it up. I was filled with excitement of where I would be putting our sweet Sadie to sleep. I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling all the emotions and I was feeling earlier in the day. All the anxious anticipation was gone and I was full of excitement and joy. I walked around the crib and tried to envision where we would put it and how the bedding would look on the crib. I was starting to beat myself up for not being upset enough. For some reason I felt like I was doing Berkley an injustice by not being more emotional. But then....God. God placed this phrase in my head "beauty from pain, beauty from pain, I make beauty from pain". Woah. So very true. He turns our darkest moments into the most beautiful ones. He takes our deepest pain, and if we allow Him, molds us into who we need to be to show others how He can turn that pain into beauty. We try so hard to put on our strong face. We try so hard to box up all our pain in a bankers box, sit it on a shelf and label it "October 2012". Why? Why do we let pain hold us when we have a Father who can release us? We try to put it in a container, no matter how many years its been or how deep the cut, and we sit it to the side. It's like we think we can put it in a labeled box on the top shelf and then it won't affect us again. But much like a crib, there is no top and there are only rails where the pain can leak out. We can't contain our darkest moments of pain, and we shouldn't try to, not from God. God can turn our deepest pain into beauty. Each time I find myself turning a moment of pain over, He reveals something even more amazing. No matter how old or deep the scar runs, He will always use our pain for His glory if we allow Him. God has used my darkest moments to form me into the wife, friend, daughter, Christ follower, and future mama that I need to be. This pain has allowed me to comfort others who have lost babies and to learn to listen and feel when the Holy Spirit is moving in my life and in others. God has continually reminded me that I am not replacing Berkley and it's completely okay for me to miss her and be excited for Sadie all in the same breath. His ability to turn pain into beauty is nothing short of amazing. Some people have their pain revealed, some through no choice of their own, and allow Him to use that pain publicly. Others never have to reveal their darkest moments yet God still uses their pain to help others, to show compassion to others and to recognize people who just need love. It's not the public confession of our darkest moments that He needs, He just needs us to turn our pain over to Him. He needs to us accept the pain as it is and believe that He can heal us. He needs to us accept that our pain and imperfections don't make us unworthy of His love but make us vulnerable and a vessel for Him. He will use us however is best for His glory to shine and He will reassure us and hold us up as we let Him work. His reassurance and love for me came in the form of a crib today, a crib that held so much pain for me. He took the deep painful thoughts of loss and led me to the thoughts of a beautiful little girl that David and I will bring home later this year. I love reminders of how much He loves us and how powerful He really is.