I'm no longer a slave..but a Prisoner for the Lord.

Ephesians 4:1-2

4 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one anotherin love.

Have you ever felt like you were a prisoner to something or someone? Have you ever felt like you were held captive by something or someone to the point that you're suffocating?? I know at times I've felt a prisoner to my own thoughts. My mind is a big ole battlefield. It's a constant stream of schedules and thoughts..good and bad, happy and sad. My needs, others needs, my worries, their worries. Worry, negativity, anxiety...they run and run until I'm overwhelmed and suffocating within myself. I read this scripture tonight just on a whim and it hit me like a sledgehammer slap to the face. 

"As a PRISONER"...that's what it said. Prisoner. We are called to be a prisoner of the Lord. We are called to allow Him to be our overwhelming thought. We are called to let Him radiate, through us, His love. But we become prisoners to every other possible thing in this world. We allow social media to distort what "real life" is with happy family pictures in spotless kitchens. We allow someone's world, that seems so perfect, to be our goal. All of the sudden money, status and materialist riff raff become what we obsess over. We become prisoner to "keeping up with the Kardashians" instead of a prisoner of the Lord, honoring and focusing on the calling He gave us. 

We talked about worry and anxieties in Sunday School today. Reading out of Matthew 6...verse 34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.". I have probably read this verse 10, 000 times. It's a pretty common "encouraging" type verse that is written in every "cheer you up" note or card you'll receive. But here's the thing....If we would just allow ourselves to be a Prisoner for the Lord, we would have nothing to worry about. If we allow God to reveal our calling, we can become the person He created us to be. We can walk in a new light without being a prisoner to anything or anyone...only to the Most High.

Now the next part of the verse talks about walking humbly and gently. Now see...Gentle isn't my thing. I'm sarcastic, loud and can be a little overwhelming. I can be pretty blunt and honest in effort to get a laugh from someone. But in this verse I believe it is referring to how you use your gifts and how you are perceived. If I were a stand up comedian, which would make sense because I'm hilarious...pick up on that? Aside from my obvious sarcasm, that attitude would be an example of not being gentle or humble in the gifts He has blessed me with. Being humble in what we are blessed with and gentle with the hurting souls we are trying to reach...that's the point. Why would He bless us with such powerful gifts if we weren't able to use them with humility, admitting our own faults, and covering the hurting in grace and gentle love? That's the point. It's not to gloat or boast...because nothing in this world is truly ours, not even our gifts. 

Okay okay, my favorite part, READY?? .."be patient, bearing with one another in love". Can I get a Holla?? Stop it. Just stop. We all, every single one of us, have faults and flaws. We all sin differently yet we all put our pants on the same way. It's hard to be patient sometimes when someone you love may be going astray and its hard not to place judgement when someone sins so differently than you. But we are called to be a Prisioner of the Lord and to love them...as He loved us. Do we love one another or do we covet one another? Do we love on the hurting or do we shun them and judge their sins more harshly than our own? At what point to we give up and allow God to rein and rule in our lives? At what point do we give Him the keys and say "throw them where you will, Here I am".

Being a perfect prisoner of the Lord is ridiculously impossible..it will not and can not happen. Perfection isn't attainable and God doesn't expect it out of us. What He wants and truly desires is for us to fall on our face and allow Him to rule. He pursues us and only request that we return that pursuit and be a light for Him. 

She'll never play alone...

Sometimes I struggle thinking that my sweet girl may be an only child--ish. If you've read my other post you know that I struggle carrying full term and that we haven't decided if we want to take that chance again. Five years ago I was a type A, box-fitting only, scheduler with a life plan that would make you question when I had free time. I would have two boys, two years apart. We would live on a couple acres in cave spring. I would be done by 30 with children. At 35 I would transition to part time. Our savings would be heathy, 401-K progressing nicely, paid off vehicles and the financial freedom to do what we wanted with the boys...

Almost 4 years ago that all changed. David got deathly ill...recovered well but took 3 years to gain back any form of confidence. Little Berkley came at 24 weeks and was just not quite ready for this world. After two days of ups and downs she went to play with Jesus. We took the leap of faith again and almost a year ago our sweet Sadie came at 28 weeks...after 8 weeks of NICU time she was able to come home! Not only come home but come home heathy and thriving! It is absolutely insane to me that I'm planning a first bday party! So needless to say my boxes and plans were thrown out the window. We still live in our "starter home" in garden lakes on less than an acre....with neighbors, my savings is less than ideal from medical expenses, my 401-K contributions on hold, car payment and I have two girls....one in heaven and one on earth.

Ecclesiastes 8:6 says "For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a person may be weighed down by misery."

Hard to swallow after the ups and downs of the last few years. It's hard to fathom God being in the midst of all the sickness and death our tiny family faced. But He was and I have gained a closer relationship with Him and a better understanding of His love for me through all the trials.

In the same sense of my past, is the promise of my oh so uncertain future. It's hard to fathom being a mom of one living child. I can't imagine her growing up alone. As a woman who said she may never have children, a never baby-sitting, hating spit-up woman....I would have a house full now that I've had this past year with Sadie, but that may not be in the cards. She may be an only-ish child. The only certainty of my future is that His love will never leave me or foresake me. The only certainty of my future is that in His timing all will fall into place.

I posted a few weeks ago about the swing set and how God is constantly showing me glimpses of Berk. And He does....He allowed that swing to swing and let my little one swing with her big sister.

Luke 18:27 sheds more light..

"Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”."

No man can magically make a swing swing, no man can give me the sense of peace I felt with both my girls outside. No man, only Him. With Him and only through Him can I see glimpses of my little girl that I can no longer physically hold. 

Last night when we were snapping pictures on the beach, I was once again overwhelmed with His love and reassurance. See, in this same exact house last year, in this same exact spot on the beach, God showed me, in cloud form, an angel holding a baby. It was a beautiful sunset that I have framed in Sadie's nursery. I have never been quiet about the fact that I think that was Berk. I haven't held back the fact that it was the peace I needed to feel that night. 

Last night we were trying to get some cute pics of Sadie and I in the sunset....Miranda snapped this picture and when we got back to the room I was blown away by what I saw.

See that sillouhet? Wow. Do you see it? Say wow again. Berk is playing with us. I just know it. Berk is up there making sure her little sister is safe. I don't think Sadie will ever play alone. I don't think Sadie will ever have imaginary friends...in fact I think Sadie will have her big sister to play with. I'm sure of it. There will always be a presence with her. I carry B in my heart and I am so so certain that God will allow Sadie to feel that presence too. She may end up being an only-ish child, only time will tell, but what I do know is that she will never play alone. ❤️❤️