I suck at self care, I’ve probably said that before... If I find a moment without anything to do, I create something to do. I make lists about lists. I have to be forced to rest. Even watching a television show stresses me out because there are always things that could be done.
Recently my job has changed, Sadie started school, grieving has been in full force...and the busyness of my mind has been paralytic. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had any time that I didn’t consume with a “to-do” and it was really starting to catch up with me. Last night I was seeking some quiet time so after everyone went to bed I snuck out and sat in the dark quiet living room for a while trying to slow my mind. After my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw a toy laying on the couch. My initial reaction to a toy not in place is to stop what I’m doing and put it up but last night was different. I felt drawn to what I saw. I have been drowning lately in my own thoughts and “tasks”. My head is spinning constantly, my anxiety has been through the roof, my inability to rest increasing...I have felt paralyzed in this state for months now. I feel like every prayer I pray starts with a petition for a rescue from my own thoughts. When I saw this toy from my chair, the imagery couldn’t be more reflective of my racing thoughts and prayer life lately. Desperate for God to take over my mind while also trying to tell Him how to do it...🤷🏼♀️ you all know the process...so stop being Holy judgers.
From my perspective I could see just a hand. A small hand reaching up. The longer I sat and stared at this hand the more I realized just how “small” I am in comparison to whom I’m pleading to rescue me. If I’m 1,674% larger than said Barbie, i can only imagine how much bigger God is than myself.
God tells us that He will rescue us from the evil of this world, He tells us that He will sustain us. I imagine that during my pleading for Him to take the anxiety from me that He sees a tiny hand reaching. I imagine Him saying “I will never leave you or forsake you”. I imagine Him saying “come to me all ye who are heavy burden and I will give you rest”. I imagine Him wondering why i ever allowed this sin to creep in when He so graciously gave me freedom in Him. I also imagine Him taking my hand and leading me through the valley. I imagine Him holding my hand through every racing thought that cripples me. I imagine the safety and security His hand provides...
As I sat in the darkness thinking about these things I realized that this was my rescue in my quiet time. This was my revelation. All the unmaking of late came to a screeching halt. I saw myself. I saw myself desperate for help and instantly felt the presence of God surrounding me. I know it may sound silly but as I was searching for peace and still quiet, He gave it to me....He provided imagery in this Barbie that reminded me just how BIG HE IS! I am so thankful for my relationship with Him. I can’t imagine going through the heartache and daily struggles without Him grabbing me by the hand and leading me...
He restores my soul;
#thebarbiehandthatslowedmedown
Reference-
Isaiah 46: 4
Matthew 11:28
Psalm 23:3
