Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Monday, December 24, 2018
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Thursday, October 4, 2018
A date I probably said everyday for 6 months. A date that was going to be the day I met my sweet Henry. The day David would meet his son. The day Sadie would get to meet him and be the most proud big sister. Instead, it’s been 3 months since I met him and said goodbye. Instead I roll fresh dirt through my fingers instead of baby toes. Instead I lose sleep with the “what if’s” instead of a crying baby. Instead of a happy date, it’s a reminder on my calendar of what should have been..
I did get through it, survival is probably a better term. There were tears, small outbursts, apologies and blurry disconnected moments, but I survived it....well Grace got me through it. 🙌🏼
And praise the LORD I can go to bed and start over tomorrow.
Come soon, Ten-Five.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Pre-post Disclaimer: I’m a bit psycho over cleanliness. Like legit crazy. In fact, david calls me a maid because I spend more time cleaning the house than living in it. Move forward...
I was tidying up the house a few days ago and as I threw something in a bedroom and closed the door I was immediately struck with conviction. I was cleaning up for someone to come over and I wanted to make sure the living spaces were tidy but I had zero concern for the bedrooms. Why? Because they weren’t going in the bedroom. They wouldn’t see that I just threw in lady bug wings, a pack of wipes and dirty socks. They would see the tidy house. The one that doesn’t show all the clutter that’s usually laying around. They would see the un-lived in house, the HGTV ready show house. And y’all, it hit me, isn’t this what we do with our lives?
We tuck the worst parts of us in corners of our hearts, package ourselves up neat and tidy to present ourselves to the world. The “fake it til you make it” mentality. We don’t want people to see just how truly “lived in” that we are. We don’t want them to see the dark thoughts, the battle scars, and the not so “Jesus girl” moments. But then I read this...
‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.’ 2 Cor 12:9
We don’t have to tuck the dark places away from anyone. In fact, we can boast about those weaknesses. We can be open, honest and vulnerable about our dark places. Why? Because In those dark places, there’s Grace.
Y’all we don’t have to hide it all. We don’t have to paint on an un-lived in look. But it’s exactly what we do. We tuck the shame, heartache, and failures away never to be seen. Now there is a time and place for things, I know that. And I’m not suggesting that we live in dark places forever, just that maybe we try to be where we are. He is faithful and He will carry us so why do we try and cover it up, suggesting that we paint on “I’m doing pretty good” better than He can carry us? He can give us that perfect peace even when we aren’t doing good, when we’re in the trenches. There is something so beautiful about His grace is in those dark places. And y’all if we tuck the dark places away, we’re tucking that Grace away with it. I do it all the time. Her name is fake Lauren and she is amazing. Literally amazing y’all. I have mastered the skills to the point that real Lauren and fake Lauren can almost look identical. It takes a person super close to me to see the difference. It’s so sad. Literally, so sad because it’s so unnecessary. And hiding my weakness is hiding Gods grace. I don’t know about y’all but hiding anything about God just sounds like a bad idea to me.
I want to live my life more lived in than “show ready”. I want to be honest with myself and others about where I am and how God has been faithful in those times.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
On Friday Henry would have been two months old. I would love to be posting a picture of him with a praise report from the NICU on how he is off of his vent or finally gaining weight and drinking from a bottle. I would love to post the same cheerful updates I was able to post with Sadie. But I’m not getting to post those updates. I’m not getting to post those updates because one week after I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world, I had to rock his sweet baby heart until it stopped. I rocked his sweet heart into the arms of Jesus.
I was was journaling some thoughts on Henry tonight and this phrase kept leaving the tip of my pen, “into the arms of Jesus”. I used that same phrase when I talked about Berkley and now I am using it again about Henry. It’s a comforting phrase for me and I would assume every mother that’s lost a child. Knowing two of my babies are with Jesus is how I survive some days. I’m not sure where I first heard it or who initially coined the phrase but tonight it made me pause. It made me think about how different our perspective would be if we used that same phrase with our living children? I have never used that phrase in regards to Sadie. Why? Maybe it’s subconscious on my part...maybe it’s just a simple phrase I keep away from the one child I didn’t have to give back. I know how bitter and cynical that sounded..it wasn’t intentional, not that I don’t have dark moments where it would have been intentional, but in this case I just didn’t have the right fluff words to phrase it nicely—
Y’all, we have the open arms of Jesus for far more than just our children who have passed. We have His open arms with our living children too. What if everyday when we rocked our babies, we rocked them into the arms of Jesus? What would that look like? And what if once they were bigger, we held their hands and walked them to Jesus? What if every single day we gave our children, our living breathing beautiful babies, over to the open armed Savior of the world? Sure we pray for our children and lead them toward Jesus but what if we literally gave them to Jesus every single day? We have the ability to hand them off to a loving Father, no matter the age or status, so why don’t we? This phrase is taking on a new meaning for me and I am going to strive to be a mother who gives her babies over to Jesus while they’re still breathing too.