TWO months!

What a Happy and Healthy TWO month old we have on our hands! ♥️

#samewrinkledsheet #mamastootiredtoiron

Radiation here we come!

Radiation started today...

Nerves, fears, unknowns, all the things...but very appreciative of all the prayers and text I received today! 

And thank you Jennifer for helping me feel completely comfortable! 

1 down, 32 to go! 😳

#letsgetitstarted #lastleg #noiwontpostoneeveryday

Days are so long...

2020 has been just plain hard, y’all.

Getting a Cancer diagnosis is hard.

Moving to a tiny apartment is hard. 

Chemotherapy is hard.

Pregnancy is hard. 

Virtual learning is hard. Real hard. 

Politics are hard.

Surgeries are hard.

Newborns are hard.

Most days I’m overwhelmed with the lack of space, crying new born, constant mess, and hard to keep focused 5 year old..but not today. 

Today I see a tiny space, a cluttered kitchen table, virtual learning, a resting baby, and my heart is absolutely full. 

It may be all we have right now, but it’s just enough.

Not my plan, but His.

#feelingblessed

ONE MONTH

Hi 👋🏼 y’all..Isaac here. I am ONE month old today! 😳 Can you believe it? 

My favorite thing to do is look at the Christmas tree and grunt! 🎄🙄

I’m sooo loved by all my people ESPECIALLY my BIG sister! ❤️

My daddy calls me Zeke and my mommy doesn’t like it very much. 😒

I’m finally in newborn diapers and clothes! Yay! 👦🏼 

Other than that, I just sleep, eat, and poop. 😴 🍼 💩 

Happy One Month to me! 

Also, Sorry my mommy didn’t iron my picture blanket, she doesn’t sleep much. Idk why...

Also-update: notice my elf ear...my crazy mama ordered me an elf outfit for Christmas

Less Sugar...2020 wrapped up

On Jan 1, I made a post about my word/phrase for 2020. “Less sugar”...less of me. I don’t remember the details or exactly how I felt when I made the post, and although it was a phrase I felt strongly came from the Lord, it’s safe to assume that my controlling self thought I could choose what would be “less of me”....ha, funny.

2020 has been the toughest year of my life. I have been challenged in every aspect but ask me I’ve ever felt more held by God...

The answer is no. The circumstances of this year led me down some dark paths and they could have kept me there...BUT GOD. This year has also been full of incredible high places. God has had full control of the circumstances of this year. He never lost control, no matter how hard that devil fought me. Fear has been a constant battle but God has given me such a peace through the journey. I’m not saying fear wasn’t prevalent, but I walked in confidence because of the peace God gave me. That true peace kept me in pure joy despite the circumstances.  Granted the bad days were there but the peace and joy from God kept me from drowning in the dark those days.

True peace and joy can only come from the Lord. That peace reveals that God is good even when circumstances don’t feel good. Feelings might cause us to believe a “good” God wouldn’t allow the harsh circumstances that are inevitable during our time on earth. Thanks be to the Lord we don’t have to let our feelings dictate our reactions or our knowledge of who God is.

•I have completed chemo.

•We have a healthy baby boy at home.

•God is good. 

•Thankful is an understatement. 

**video on Facebook 

Sister. My heart is complete.

Home. We are home.

“And the LORD visited Sarah as He had said, and the LORD did for Sarah as He had spoken. For Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him. And Abraham called the name of his son who was born to him—whom Sarah bore to him— Isaac.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭21:1-3‬ ‭

We are home. 

Isaac is home.

Introducing David Isaac Simpson

And as we stared at nothing but a blue curtain, we heard the most beautiful healthy baby boy cry.

“Is anything too hard for the Lord?” 

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭18:14‬a‬‬

Ringing the Bell...

8 1/2 months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

8 1/2 months ago my world stopped. 

I truly couldn’t understand how God could allow another trial in front of us after already going through what seemed like the worst battles...but here we were. 

The world stopped spinning inside our home while we anxiously awaited test results, plans, further diagnosis, and breast surgery. 16 weeks later I began the chemo journey after finding out that I was pregnant with our 4th baby. In those 16 weeks of waiting there were multiple doctor appointments, 3 surgeries, selling our house, moving, School ending abruptly for Sadie, letting go of my job, and new normals I didn’t want to adjust to. When I finished my first chemo treatment, I was so relieved. I was relieved to know how each treatment would go and to figure out how my health and energy levels would be between each treatment. Treatments were hard, but not unbearable. There were typical side effects but nothing that God didn’t handle for me. But after treatment #4, I developed anemia and received a blood transfusion. A few days later I threw a blood clot that literally ran the length of my right leg. I couldn’t walk for 2 weeks. I was so discouraged. It was only a few weeks after that, I had to have surgery to remove a kidney stone and have a stent placed. It was an eventful 6-8 weeks. Looking back at pictures I looked sick. Really sick. I didn’t just feel it, I quite literally looked it. I was completely zapped of energy and mentally/emotionally done....but God. My sweet husband came home from work shortly after this and had decided it would be best for him to be home until our sweet boy was born. I wasn’t sure it was necessary but God has proven this to be exactly what we needed. We’ve spent the last weeks at home together helping Sadie virtually learn, getting me back on my feet physically and emotionally, going to chemo every Monday, pregnancy specialist visits and regular OB visits, while counting down the days until...today. 

Today I rang the bell. I rang the dang bell, y’all. It has been a long round of 16 treatments. There have been times I wanted to give up, times I prayed it would be over, times I questioned God...but today I am done. I have completed the 2nd step to rid me of breast cancer and I couldn’t be more grateful for the journey. 

I’ve seen the work of God and felt His presence more in the last 8 1/2 months than I have in my lifetime. There has not been a need unmet. There has not been a moment where I felt abandoned. God has carried us through this valley with an extra baby in tow. Even in the moments I questioned His plan, I was given a scripture or a sweet text from a friend to show me that He is good even when circumstances are not good. Watching God work a miracle, I’ve seen that...being the miracle is another thing. So although it’s been a hard process, a really hard and dark process some days, I am thankful to be used. If spreading Gods amazing love and miraculous work, requires discomfort, I’m all in. And thankfully Gods goodness doesn’t depend on our faithfulness or our “comfort”.

I am thankful that Gods plan is greater than ours. I’m thankful for all of our family, friends, social media friends, and everyone in between who have interceded on my behalf to pray our family through this and physically meet our needs. I am thankful for an amazing medical team who have done all they can to keep me in treatment, keep me healthy, and keep me pregnant. God is so good, y’all! 

Now on to the next big adventure...Isaac. T-minus 18 days!

October 10 — she would be EIGHT

8 years ago, God said you are mama.

8 years ago, God knew the brief and earthly limitations of this title He’d just given me. 

8 years ago, God knew that we would eventually be blessed with our sweet Sadie to love and raise here on earth. 

8 years ago, God knew every trial we would face as a couple that “should have” torn us apart.  

8 years ago, God knew the grief that would fill our hearts...not once but twice.

8 years ago, God knew that I would one day walk a very shocking “mama journey” while also facing a chemo journey for hormone positive breast cancer.

8 years ago, God knew He would place a stirring in my heart to vulnerably share my story, to live my life openly, and walk along side others who are desperate to feel the love of God in a not so “feel good” season. 

8 years ago, it all started with a sweet little girl named Berkley Lane. She was our first heartbeat. She is who made me mama. 

Happy 8, baby girl. 

You are so loved, well remembered, and very missed. 💗

10/10/12-10/12/12

October — All the awareness

October is pregnancy/infant loss month as well as breast cancer awareness month. This year I find myself in a season of both. A season of battling breast cancer while also carrying a rainbow baby. #breastcancerandpregnant 

I think about our two so often and how they would be as siblings to Sadie here on earth. How would her little personality be different as a “middle child”? I find myself now in a season of thinking about sweet Isaac and how Sadie will be the absolute best big sister to him. As she tells other people, “I’m already a big sister, Henry just had to be with Jesus, ya know?” So while our hearts ache that our two Jesus held babies aren’t here with us, we rejoice knowing that they knew our love! As scary as this season of pregnancy has been, we  rest in knowing God is proving His mighty work and faithfulness in Isaac coming in a few short weeks! 

#BerkleyLane #HenryGlenn 

Breast Cancer. Honestly I have no words...it’s hard. Treatment is hard but the battle of the mind is worse. Doing a self check literally saved my life. It isn’t something I ever made time for. My life had slowed down and I made time to do a self exam. Thank goodness for that and especially for David pushing me to make the phone call. This fight has felt like an eternity, especially with the treatment pause due to our unexpected blessing, but here we are just 3 weeks away from my final chemo treatment! 

God is good, y’all. He is faithful but the trials of this world can leave you feeling empty. No matter how strong your faith is, no matter how much strength you have, there are things that can and will shake you to the core. That is where the goodness of God really shows up! When we are weak, He is our strength. 

This month, we love on mamas who have babies in heaven and we raise awareness for breast cancer. 

Let’s be the hands and feet for those in the trenches, those who survived, those who’ve experienced loss, those who just need a nudge to call a doctor, while also keeping close to heart those who don’t openly share their experiences. I have met so many women, through both experiences, who had never spoken a word about their loss or their hardship fighting breast cancer. The idea of feeling so very alone breaks my heart, so let us also remember those who suffer in silence. 

#checkyourtatas #loveyourbabies

THIRTY WEEKS

THIRTY WEEKS 

THIRTY WEEKS

THIRTY WEEKS

3️⃣0️⃣ Y’all...I just can’t even tell you how thankful we are to be here. 🙌🏼 When we were first told of my pregnancy, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were beyond slim. My health was a big concern, timing for chemo would be delayed, and the baby would likely not make it past the second trimester...

BUT. GOD. 

Tell me God won’t do it! #Hecan #babyIsaaccan #carryingamiracle  

#cakeiscoming #thisisthirty #SadieKatlovesherbaby #ijustrollaroundandpeeonmyself

#alsodaughtersdayandsheisamazing

Escape! Take the stone and shove it!

We busted out of Hotel Floyd today minus a kidney stone ➕ a stent and I am already feeling so much relief! 🙌🏼

Thank you all for so many prayers, support, and all the love! We are so grateful! 

Obviously this is not the most fun journey that we have walked and “perfect” or “completely trusting” aren’t words I think either of us would use to describe the harder moments. David has seen probably the worst of me over the last month. It’s not always pretty or me “praising in the storm”...it’s been real hard, real scary, and really frustrating. There have been lots of silent days when I just had no words to adequately describe how angry I’ve been that my plan is not being lived out and grieving the normal. And let’s be real, my mama said if I don’t have anything nice to say I don’t need to say anything at all so I just shut it down...#mamasaid 

But God...His plan, His will, is greater than ours. He sees what we can’t and thanks be to Him that we are 27 weeks and have only 7 chemo treatments left! 🙌🏼 #letskickit #breastcancerandpregnant

Week 27 and stones

Well I’ll be rolling into week TWENTY SEVEN tomorrow...at Hotel Floyd.  

It’s pretty stinking frustrating to be in and out of here so often but I am thankful to have awesome doctors! They are working up the best plan for me and I feel certain it will all be okay. #kidneystone 🗿 #hydroprobz 💧 

2️⃣7️⃣ Isaac is absolutely perfect. I don’t have any new pictures from our appointment this week. 😑 They did decide to go ahead and give me steroid shots to help strengthen his tiny lungs so i got those while here. 💉💉 

He is a big boy, measuring about a week ahead in overall size, and with a big ole head like his daddy...🆒🆒  

I can’t say we haven’t been discouraged through the last couple of ups and downs. I have been a mess of emotions for sure...but we know who is in charge of this story and He ain’t done. #sayHewontdoit #justamoment  #ibecryingandpoutingandhavingatude 

#fuzzhead #hotelfloyd 

#breastcancerandpregnant

#strawcaplookslikeatinyhat

Love Potion Number 9

🎶Love potion number Nine🎶 🧪 

Kicking these treatments, one Monday at a time! 🤰👚🎗

Also! I can walk without a walker...thin thin thin Mr. Clot...#not90anymore #stilldrinkingtheEnsuretho 

#aintgotnoeyebrows #aintgotnolashes #peachfuzzonmyhead #hopingmymustachedontcomeback 

#shouldaputonsomemakeup

#pregnantwithbreastcancer #9down7togo

Week 26! 2️⃣6️⃣

Y’all...today we roll into week 26!!

WEEK TWENTY SIX! 2️⃣6️⃣ 

Going into this very unexpected pregnancy, chances of making it this far were very slim...even without battling breast cancer. Berkley came at 24, Sadie at 28, and Henry at 25 so the chances of a 2nd trimester baby are past high. While chances of early delivery are still there, and it is still way too early for Isaac to make his entrance, making it this far is incredible! 

I am so grateful that God sees the bigger picture. Being high risk to lose another baby plus fighting breast cancer sounds impossible, and sometimes feels impossible, but with GOD...(say it with me) nothing is impossible! So here we are...26 weeks pregnant and half way done with chemo! #PraiseHands 🙌🏼#pregnantwithbreastcancer 🤰👚🎗#OnlyHecandoit 

God is still good

It’s hard to believe in the midst of a trial that grace will come. When something so real, so in your face, is glaring back at you day in and day out with no end in sight, it seems impossible to believe any good could come from the pain. Choosing to believe that good is coming, that the goodness of God doesn’t depend on our circumstances, is imperative to recovering and moving through the trial we are in. We must remember that even when it is hard, His strength is all we need. 

I know I’ve prayed for my trials to end. In fact, in a recent testimony I called it a “period”. I was craving a “period” to my trials and just days later was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems my trials aren’t over and while they frustrate me to no end, while I complain, cry, weep over missing out on things, and even beg God to end all the pain, I know that these trials are a divine appointment. I am grateful that God entrusted me with such a large assignment, but most days I fail to thank God and actually beg for the assignment to be taken away. On the hardest days, I cling to things I know to be true and remain thankful that the goodness of God doesn’t depend on me.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Psalms‬ ‭29:11‬ 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

If we choose to believe God is good at being God, then we can also choose to believe that no matter the circumstance we’re in, it is a divine appointment by God himself. And a divine appointment is one that only God’s goodness can flow. 

I love this Spurgeon quote...

Round 8

Chemo Day...number 8! 

#halfwaythere #EightofSixteen 

GOOD NEWS...the new chemo drug hasn’t been hard on my system at all and Isaac #week25 is still growing so I force myself daily to focus on those two positives.

#pregnantwithbreastcancer🤰👚 🎗

I still can’t walk without a walker so that’s the most frustrating thing for me. I.am.over.the.clot. 🩸 

But y’all, besides David being absolutely incredible, I am in total awe of how amazing our sweet Sadie is. This morning, after David went to work, she followed me to the living room to make sure I didn’t fall. She put the pillows on the couch for me to prop up my leg. She brought me a water and a boost shake. She got herself dressed, let Cosmo out, brushed her teeth, and then asked me what else I needed before she left. She is a superstar 5 year old kid, y’all. I hate that she has to help me but I am so very thankful that she has a helping servants heart. It is amazing to watch her grow into her own independent caring self. ❤️

GOD is good even when our circumstances are not! We MUST choose to trust Him! And it’s a choice...I have had some awful, down right, not so trusting days here lately, but making the choice to trust in God eases every single thought the devil throws my way.

#usedfaceappbcwrinkles&nomakeup

My sweet girl ❤️

This blood clot has me so down, y’all. I can’t walk more than about 10 steps and that’s with a walker. 😑 I have definitely been beyond discouraged this week. I have so many wonderful people that are taking care of me and so many who are also taking care of Sadie. This morning when she got home she had picked me some flowers! My heart just about busted. There are so many big things rocking her little world and she is truly showing so much strength through every bump in the road. She has the most kind, caring, helpful heart. She has to help me sometimes, and as much as I hate it, it makes me proud to see how willing she is to serve. I pray she always has a strong servant heart and loves others the way Jesus did. ❤️

Round 7

Got discharged with these sexy stockings just in time for chemo treatment number 7! Do y’all know what that means? Just 9 to go...THAT IS SINGLE DIGITS!! 

Meanwhile, in the world of blood clot, I have started Lovenox injections twice a day that I’ll continue for the remainder of pregnancy. Large clot = Large pain so this hasn’t been my favorite weekend. I still can’t walk more than 5 or 6 steps but the pain is under control. I have been pretty discouraged this weekend but I am constantly reminded that this is temporary and God sees the bigger picture. 

Large Clot-Large Pain-Bigger God 

“For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.” Isaiah‬ ‭49:13‬ ‭‬‬

🎶This is My story

🎶This is My Song

🎶Praising my Savior all the day long 

#lookingforjoy #pregnantwithbreastcancer

#praisethroughit

Blood Clot — UGH

On this episode of Lauren is so frustrated but trying to have a good attitude, I have been admitted to Floyd with a blood clot in my leg. I will be starting a treatment plan tonight...🙄🩸

#pregnantwithbreastcancer🤰👚🎗

#justONEbreakplease #smilingbutfrustrated

Virtual School for my girl!

Well this is not the way I wanted our school 🏫 year to start but it is what is best for us right now. I want normal so bad that I grieve it most every day. 😭

Even so, I am beyond grateful for friends that help get my girl excited about Virtual Learning! ❤️

#kindergarten2020 #virtuallearning2020 

#shedoesntknowwhatshewantstobewhenshegrowsup #meeitherbaby

Round 6

Treatment Number 6 was yesterday. 6/16! #knockingthemout #Godisgood

Treatment plan is still the same but unfortunately I have become anemic. So today, after both my OB and Oncologist spoke, I am getting a blood transfusion that will hopefully get me to having more energy and feel more like myself! #whatifigetapsychosblood #willibeMOREcrazy #istheremorecrazy

#breastcancerandpregnancy 👚🎗🤰

This is my fight song 👚🎗🤰

Over the last 8 years, every 2-3 years our family has gotten rocked. Losing our first daughter, Berkley, at 3 days old was devastating. Three years later we were blessed with our rainbow baby Sadie! Three years later we lost our son, Henry,  at 7 days old. With no intention of trying to expand our family, 2 years later I have been given a breast cancer diagnosis and am also pregnant again. We are praying diligently for our sweet rainbow boy Isaac. God has blessed us through each loss and we will continue to praise Him during these uncertain times. God is good, even when our circumstances seem impossible.

Praising God when things are good is easy but praising God when things are uncertain is tough, real tough. If we only praise God in the good, we lose the blessings of trust and faith that relying God is all about. Seeing and feeling God move in every aspect of life, good or bad, reveals so much about Gods character and I don’t want to miss a moment of knowing more about Him!

Round 5 — NEW DRUG

That last round of the Red Devil kicked my tail! I am so thankful to be done with that and eager to get to feeling better! 

Today is round 🤚🏼 and I start a new drug. Praying for minimal side effects!

Let’s kick it! 5/16 

#breastcancerandpregnant #week22

David Isaac Simpson

“Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.” Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.””

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭18:10-14‬ ‭

“Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭21:1-3‬ 

Meet David “Isaac” Simpson...Because “is anything too hard for the Lord” ❤️

#tomorrowisweek22

#prayingthroughthescaryweeks 

#breastcancerandpregnancy

Round 4 — last of Red Devil!

Number FOUR! 👩🏼‍🦲

I’m 1/4 of the way done...like 1/2 of a 1/2 y’all! And it’s the last of the Red Devil!! Wahoo! 🙌🏼👊🏼👏🏼

#Godisgood #BCandPREG #4/16

Half way there!!

Round 3

Set-Back

Well y’all, yesterday should have been round 3 of chemo...but my body had other plans. I had to spend the weekend at Hotel Floyd due to some crazy pain I was experiencing. Good news is they got the pain under control, bad news is there is so much going on with my treatment plus pregnancy it is pretty much impossible to pin point the exact cause of the pain. It was a pretty frustrating weekend but we are staying on track and chemo will resume next week. #BC&PREG #wegonnabeatit

Happy 2nd Bday Henry!

Two years ago we welcomed this sweet bundle of joy into the world. There is something so surreal this year when I think of where we are now. After Henry we were not planning on having any other children, and today I am pregnant while also receiving chemo. The week with this little man was not long enough but was all that was intended. Similar to the journey we’re currently on... though the circumstances don’t make sense, we aren’t walking it alone. The battle isn’t ours, never was..so as the fears of now come and go, much like the grief of losing sweet Henry, God knows the ending. 

Praise God for that! 

Happy 2nd birthday in Heaven sweet boy! 

Surrender the stuffy

Sadie sleeps with her arms over her head, always has, but she doesn’t start that way. During the dreadful nighttime routine she chooses lots of positions before finally surrendering to the arms over the head. The most common is the stuffy cling. She grabs a stuffy and clinches her eyes closed quite literally willing herself to sleep. I know this will not work and when I finally see an arm go up, I know we’re almost there. And then my mama brain quietly says hallelujah and spends like 30 minutes trolling the Facebook...how many mamas get me??

I was thinking about this tonight and how it relates so well to our spiritual lives. 

Literally speaking, think about a time in worship when you were clinching the back of the pew and you finally surrender, hands over your head shouting praises to the Lord. Now, I’m a good southern baptist, so it’s a rarity in our regular worship services...But put some of us Jesus jumpers in a conference center at a women’s event and hands are flying..😂 Seriously though, that moment of surrender to all outside thoughts and fully worshipping God. It’s beautiful. There’s peace. 

Metaphorically speaking, what does full surrender look like? When we throw up our hands in worldly defeat, after we have tried our best to do it ourselves, hands in the air, please God help me with this mess, surrender. Until we get there, because we are all a little stubborn, what is our stuffy? What are we clinging to with our eyes clinched that keeps us from experiencing Gods fullness? Is our stuffy fear, anxiety, insecurity, sin, relationships, comfort, desire for perfection, guilt, anger, control? I can claim lots of those as I’m sure most of us can. 

I went through a phase in middle school where each day I would grade myself on how perfect I had been. I literally had categories and wrote down a grading system. I wanted to be perfect at every single aspect I was approached with each day. My desire to be perfect, my “grading system”, only left me with big insecurities that I wrestle with even today. Insecurities that if I had given them to God, would have had a far lesser impact on my decisions. There was a time in high school that I made the statement to an older member of our church, after making a few consistent bad choices,  “if I can’t be a perfect Christian, why try”. My fear of disappointing God was causing me to miss the fullness of His grace. 

Each situation in my life has presented its own stuffy, some reoccurring. In my adult life, through grief and disappointment, and more recently cancer and pregnancy, fear and anxiety have outweighed faith some days. I don’t walk in fear, because I know I don’t walk alone, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally grab that stuffy back.  But y’all, when I drop the stuffy and that full surrender happens, perspectives shift and peace becomes so rich. When God changes your perspective from “I’m so afraid of what’s in front of me” to “I am grateful that I’m on this journey with God”, it’s a game changer. We can never see what is coming around the corner, but we can be sure God sees it and we can be sure God knows what stuffy we are going to grab! 

#dropthestuffy #surrender 

He sustains me

So y’all, I listened to a podcast today that brought my circumstances to life. It’s a portion of the Bible that I feel like I skip so often because I’ve heard it so many times...but I’ve never heard this perspective....

She was talking about Hagar. She recounted the story in Genesis 16 when Hagar has fled, running away from her mistress Sarai that had stripped her of her dignity by forcing Abram on her to bear THEM a child. Once Hagar was pregnant, Sarai began to regret her decisions and mistreated Hagar. While Sarai had once been someone she felt like she could trust, she suddenly felt used and betrayed and decided to flee. While Hagar was in the desert, an angel of the Lord found her and instead of rushing in to fix her circumstances, He told her to go back and submit to Sarai. While that may seem cruel, especially in her time of hurt, anger, and confusion, we have to remember that God is good even when our circumstances aren’t. The goodness of God doesn’t dwell in the goodness of our circumstances but instead in the sureness of His promises. He left her with a promises of descendants “too many to count”. It was this promise that sustained her and she followed in obedience. But do you know what she said?

“You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭16:13‬ ‭

Y’all, she said “He sees me”. Can you even? Although the obedience didn’t seem logical in our sense of the word, or painless on this earth, He gave her promises to sustain her through the hard part of obedience. Because let’s face it, obedience isn’t always easy...and that’s where our current circumstances hit me in the face. 

When we found out I was pregnant we were faced with the option, quite honestly the suggestion, to terminate our pregnancy. That “option” would have allowed me to start chemo immediately, it would have slowed the massive amounts of hormones entering my body that could cause a reoccurring cancer, and also protect us from the potential of yet another devastating loss.  While for us, that wasn’t an “option”, it was still a moment of choosing to be obedient. While cancer isn’t easy by itself, pregnancy does add another layer of health risk....but God. I don’t say that to toot my own horn for being obedient, it’s far from that. You see, although obedience as a “big picture” wasn’t a hard decision for us, keeping Satan from playing with my mind is a daily battle. Although we chose to continue the pregnancy, there have been nights I’ve cried myself to sleep in serious doubt of my decision and potential risks. There have been nights I stare at Sadie and want to crumble thinking of the added exhaustion that pregnancy has layered on top of fighting cancer, and what that means for her. But it’s been in those moments that I have felt held. It’s in those moments He has seen me.

There has not been a single moment that He has not seen me and met my need. I mean going back as far as changing careers last fall, He has seen each need knowing this battle was ahead and He has met them. Just like Hagar, my situation is requiring some hard obedience, but y’all, He sees me. He sustains me. He is how I fight. 

Chemo around 1

Here we go...Treatment ONE. 

#beatingBC #preg&chemo #Godsplan #1of16

The news...bigger news

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with a few words that it quite literally knocked the breath out of you?

That is how it felt. I was alone in a hospital and the words I’d just been told, which for some bring incredible joy, brought me sheer terror. 

It was the day of my port procedure, March 26. The virus had just started to shut things down so I was forced to be alone for this procedure. Chemo was to start the very next day and I had psyched myself up to start the battle to defeat breast cancer. The anesthesiologist came in to give me the run down so I knew it was getting close to time. I text David to let him know it was getting close to surgery time and then walked back in the anesthesiologist. 

“Hi, ummm ma’am....did you know you are pregnant?”

....................

Silence filled the room with the two of us. He had to ask me again because I literally could not catch my breath. I asked him to run the test again to confirm. My mind was spinning, my heart was bubbling up with past emotions and future fears...

A few moments later my nurse pracs from the Breast Center and my surgeon came in and I was indeed pregnant. 

Halt.all.breathing. 

I made the call to David that he could come pick me up from the hospital. I really don’t think we spoke for a few hours as we both processed this news. We had no idea what would happen next...

The Port procedure was obviously put on hold and by the end of the day I had an ultrasound and 2 follow up appointments scheduled for the next few days. Being extremely high risk for losing another child and also needing chemotherapy we had some very grueling doctor visits and conversations that I never want to revisit, but thankfully I am in good hands from both a cancer and baby perspective. 

I am now in my second trimester, I got my port this past Thursday, and will begin chemo Monday. There are a bazillion unknowns that somedays take over my mind to the point of crippling me, while there are somedays I am overwhelmed with Gods mercy and grace. 

We appreciate the continued prayers as we have some big obstacles ahead, but we serve a BIGGER God, so here.we.go. 

#GodisgoodatbeingGod #unplannedGodplanned

Let Him be your first call

My sweet Sadie is playing a new game on her tablet where she connects colors dots on a grid. They can’t overlap so she is really having to think ahead to figure out the right path for each color to connect in a continuous line. Well, tonight she found the help button (by accident) that will give her a clue to one of the color patterns if she is stumped. She was so excited to be able to “get help” that she was pushing it every time and saying “oh thank you mr. helper”.  It was pretty stinking adorable but I immediately chimed in and said  “baby we don’t ask for help unless we’ve absolutely tried our very best”. Now, it is obviously very important to teach independent skills and working hard. I was raised this way and I believe it is truly important so I am not knocking that at all. But it got me thinking about bigger things, bigger God things. I wish I was so eager to push the “help” button when things are out of my control. I am quick to quote Psalms 121:2 “my help comes from the Lord” but it’s usually after I’ve tried to work it out myself. Anybody else? How often do we get caught up on facts and earthy feelings and forget that We can literally just call out the name of Jesus! We don’t have to figure it out and present it to Him in a neat package before we ask for help. We don’t have to try OUR best, we just have to rely on Him. How amazing that He, creator of the universe, can be our first call? 

He directs our paths. 

He knows what’s ahead. 

He knows roadblocks. 

He knows heartache. 

This world is in a scary place right now and we are all well equipped with our opinions of what is right and wrong. But y’all, God knows this. God isn’t shaken or surprised by any of it. He knows every detail of what is and what’s to come. We are all facing different circumstances during these trying times but we can all bank on ONE thing.  ❤️God.is.with.us.❤️

He knows the end game and y’all, HE WINS. 

So I truly pray that as this season of uncertainty continues we are all pressing our fears and doubts into Him because He is the Almighty Helper! 

#letHimbeourfirstcall

March 19th—hair.

Hey chemo, I got my spicy hair cut—let’s fight. 

#BCstage2 #Godsgotit

March 2nd

Last Wednesday we received pathology from the lymph nodes they removed during my lumpectomy. Unfortunately they found a few cancer spots in 3 of the 6 nodes that they removed. My anxiety, doubt, fear, all of it, absolutely crippled me. Truthfully I have felt more doubt in the last month than I have in any circumstance I’ve ever walked. I am used to one time events but a cancer journey including chemotherapy...shew, I have had no words or energy to even process. That’s why I didn’t share it on social media, I was shaken. 

Of course I prayed, sometimes with no words. Of course I believed, but I was so scared. 

It was hard news to take. It shook more than when I got the cancer diagnosis. The idea that it could have spread to other parts of my body was terrifying. Today I had a bone scan and a CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis. It was a long day of waiting and scans but my sweet David stayed with me all day. 😘 I have an appointment this Wednesday where we were going to discuss the results but y’all...My precious doctor called me at almost 5 o’clock to let me know that there were no signs of cancer found! We also received news from the genetic test and they were also negative! 

All.scans.were.negative. 

All.scans.were.negative. 

PRAISE.THE.LORD. 🙌🏼

I will proceed with chemo and radiation in a  few weeks once my incisions heal. So although that journey still lies ahead, today we celebrate! 

Y’all...tell me He won’t do it! 🙌🏼 ✝️❣️

#NotmyplanbutHis #Hardjourney

Not superhuman...at all.

I’m not so strong. 

I’m no super hero.

I’m really struggling.

I’m not okay. 

I’m depressed.

I’m a hot mess of emotions. 

I’m really ashamed that I’m struggling. Physically I am fine, emotionally I’m a wreck. 

I’m also really embarrassed that the one who stood up in front of quite a few women just a few weeks ago, is completely crumbling at a “set back”...and that’s why I want to share part of a book I just started by Beth Moore. 

I feel her words deeply today. It’s no accident that our women’s group just started this book last week...I so needed it, well the first chapter anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ignore how I look. 

Ignore my crooked middle bottom tooth.

Ignore my no makeup and not dried hair. 

Ignore that I slurred a few words. 

Actually just ignore all the things...and just hear what Beth Moore has to say about insecurity. 

Also I have nothing inspirational or well scripted to say...like at all. That’s why I’m reading to y’all  from Beth Moore...🤷🏼‍♀️ But it gives me much comfort that I am not alone, that’s for certain! 

Thank you so much for all the prayers we feel every single one of them. 

Thank you so much for the meals, we’ve enjoyed every one of them. 

This is hard but God is still so good. 

#thedevilusessetbacks #Godwillwin

Recovery is so tough...

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and love over the last few days! Recovery really stinks and not being able to be around Sadie has been the absolute worst. But y’all, I have the best tribe of friends and family that have stepped in and taken over. Praise God for small towns! 🙌🏼

Also, poor David...y’all pray for him. I’m a lot to handle..🤷🏼‍♀️

#toomanytotag #BCOUT #step1anddone

Step ONE — February 20...lets go

Tomorrow morning the process begins...

Step1: Surgery 

In all honesty, I’ve been pretty depressed since I was given this diagnosis. I have allowed the Devil to control my thought life and it hasn’t been pretty. I’ve been so overwhelmed at times that I have felt paralyzed and that’s given my mind time to run wild with all the things....fear,doubt,anger,confusion. You name it, I feel like I’ve felt it. 

It’s not a fear or doubt that God isn’t in control, I know He is. Its not a fear that God can’t heal me, I know He can. Its that lingering thought of “God can heal me but what if that doesn’t glorify Him”. I’ve seen this play out both ways. I’ve seen God heal David and Sadie but at the same time I have seen Berkley and Henry not healed on this earth. I have seen God glorified through both the joys and the pains of this world. And it’s hard, It’s really hard. It has consumed my thoughts over the last week. I have been stuck in this hard place of wanting God to be glorified while being fully aware that Him being glorified might not feel good. I’ve been so consumed that my prayer life has suffered and my bible studies have been non-existent. I know this seems counterintuitive but it’s the hard place I am stuck in right now. 

Although I am falling short and although I am struggling to find energy to fight, God is NOT absent. It is in OUR weakness that HIS glory is revealed! Praise God and Amen. 🙌🏼

I know I am loved and I feel every precious prayer being prayed on my behalf. (Thank you!)

I know He is fighting this for me. 

And I know He is good at being GOD! 

#repeatwithmetohelpme 

I know God has this. 

I know God is fighting for me. 

I know God is with me. 

I know the truth of God. 

I know the power of the prayer.

I know that God is trustworthy.

I know that God will be glorified.

Cancer. Feb 10th changed it all

It was the Friday before I was supposed to speak at our annual ladies dinner. There were 120 women coming to enjoy dinner at our church and I was the guest speaker. Public speaking is so out of my comfort zone but I was so strongly convicted to share that it didn’t take much prayer to accept what God was clearly telling me to do. What I didn’t know when I accepted the opportunity was that I would be facing a very scary health issue that weekend. This past Friday, I had been sent for a mammogram and ultrasound on a suspicious lump that I found in my breast. The following 3 days felt like an eternity waiting on results. I felt so paralyzed with fear that I barely made it to the ladies event on Saturday night. Every worse case scenario played out in my head over and over. I am in total awe of the way God calmed my nerves, provided me with words, and to got me through the event. 

It came to pass on Monday afternoon that the words “breast cancer” were given to me. Thankfully we have caught it very early. Stage 1 Ductal Carcinoma. We have met with a great team of medical professionals that are devising the best treatment plan for me. 

I am completely shaken to the core. 

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. 

Trust me, I have asked all the “whys”, I have cried giant tears, and have battled some crazy moments of doubt over the last week. 

But I am certain that the Lord will walk every step with me.  I have already seen His provision with each appointment, lab work, and testing. I have seen God line up my path with people to help encourage me and help us make the best decision possible for my health. I am truly grateful for all the outpouring of love and support I have already received. 

God.is.Good.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bd6odYyVqHV5zF_OpljX_20ujd7IsH8-/view

Chipped vs Changed

How many of us fear approaching God when our life looks something like my nails? 

Chipped, broken, unpolished, splotchy, messy and unrefined...

Oh, just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Life.is.hard.

Living in a fallen world is hard.

Going to God during the hard...is hard 

Looking down at my hands really reminded me of that today...not that I needed a reminder of life being hard, but sometimes I need a reminder that I can come to God just like this. 

Psalm 139 was touched on by our Pastor Sunday and I’ve read it quite a few times in the last 24 hours. I feel so drawn to this imagery. These few verses have been especially loud in my mind. 

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:7-12‬

Maybe it’s because when my mind and spirit look like my nails, I try to hide. 

Maybe it’s because when I am overwhelmed with frets and anxiety of life, I retreat into myself as if God Himself can’t see me. 

Truth is, He sees me.

Truth is, I can come to Him how I am but i will not leave like I came. 

Truth is, He accepts me at my worst and transforms me to my best.

Truth is, He is the only power that can take my dark broken spirit and transform it into light. 

He formed me.

He loves me. 

He sees me.

Amen.

Amen.

Less Sugar

So lots of my friends have a “word” for the new year and I love the concept! I have thought on this for a few weeks but yet to come up with one.

This morning I got up a little early to have some quiet time before the tiny me woke up. It’s the first day of a new decade and I wanted to sip some coffee and read a little of my new book...alone. 

It lasted 20 minutes.

😳Also, new realization as I’m typing, I’ll turn 40 in this decade. #maybeADD 🤷🏼‍♀️

After Sadie woke up, I started the coffee. I had decided that the perking could wake her up so I just enjoyed quiet with no coffee...all 20 minutes of it. I may have to re-read those chapters because Lauren with no caffeine is kinda all over the place. 

Anyway, as I was pouring my coffee I was given a word; or a phrase actually. One of my resolutions is to attempt to cut back SOME sugar. ((Notice I said “some” because all is stupid.)) So as I’m adding creamer I reminded myself, “less sugar Lauren” and there it was, the phrase...

*Less sugar*

•Less sugar coating, more honest conversations. 

•Less gritty sweet coatings, more smooth solid foundations. 

•Less sugar coated self help, more solid biblical truth. 

•Less selfish sweet worldly victories, more substantial Christ led eternal wins. 

The book I’m reading goes along with this phrase God has given me...and the majority of this book has kicked me in the teeth. “Less of me” is hard. I’m learning I’m even more self absorbed than I realized. I know...who knew. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

I am learning that I can “hustle” but I can’t hustle alone. LET HIM LEAD

I am learning that attempting to avoid pain is missing opportunity. God has used pain consistently to help in the process of becoming more like Jesus. I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE JESUS.

I am learning that happy isn’t holy. 

And Honestly, the reason I couldn’t come up with a word on my own is probably because I was trying to come up with some perfect word without asking God what the new year might bring. Honestly I was worried about what “word” would generate likes on FaceBook or follows on my blog. Truth is most of my thoughts get put on my blog and selfishly, I need it to look “put together”. That’s some honest truth, huh? Yuck, me. 😝

•Less me, more Him•

“We are INVITED to crucify our SELFISH plans and dreams for the better pursuit of what God has planned for us”—Sick of Me, Whitney Capps

So for 2020...less sugar. PS: I’m the sugar.