NICU Reunion

It was more difficult than expected to walk past the faces of the doctors and nurses that cared for my preemies on Sunday. Although extremely thankful for their care, some of them I hadn’t seen since leaving the NICU last year without our son, and looking into their eyes brought back so many memories that I sometimes beg my heart and mind to forget. The weekend had already been full of messy grief and honestly I didn’t want to face the day at all...but off to the reunion we went. And I am very grateful we did — Sadie got to see Santa, have snacks and make a craft! She loved it so much! 

The nurses and doctors of the Floyd NICU have been on a 7 year journey with us through the hardest times of our lives. So much joy and so much pain have been experienced in those years inside the walls of the hospital. So although I only walked one “graduate” through the doors of the reunion, I carried two in my heart that just graduated straight to Jesus...shew, all.the.tears. 

•2012: Berkley Lane - 24 weeks

•2015: Sadie Kathryn - 28 weeks

•2018: Henry Glenn - 25 weeks 

I didn’t get to see all my people but I did see a few of my favorites and snapped some pics! 

We love you, Floyd NICU! 

((And Santa of course))

Transparency

Have you ever felt like you were walking around “advertising” yourself? Have you ever felt like no one knew the real you but only what you wanted them to see? I hate that feeling, I’ve been there, but it is so easy to get sucked into that cycle. I saw these trucks yesterday side by side and I couldn’t help but see versions of myself. One truck fully exposed with its “baggage” showing and one boxed up and covered in advertising...

Gut check. How am I living? Truck 1 or Truck 2?

I have gone through many seasons in my life where I have been boxed up. I have boxes on boxes covered in “I’m fines” that I carried around alone. I have spent many seasons making sure that only the “good” was showing. I have tucked in some ugly Lauren moments trying to conceal things I didn’t want to be judged for....I mean look at the name of my blog if you don’t believe me. Ha. More often than not, I have also been trying to conceal these “ugly moments” from God. I’ve said prayers completely skipping over convictions. I’ve spoken untruths about myself to others and even to God. I’ve advertised myself as “fine” or even “great”. I’ve only allowed the pretty, boxed up, put together Lauren to show. 

How sad. 

How lonely. 

Back to the gut check, how am I living? 

I try really hard to be transparent and authentic but I sometimes still fall short. It’s so hard for me to not have it all together. And I often still feel the desire to please. Sometimes I still feel the longing to look like everyone else’s “fakebook” life. God has taught me many valuable lessons through my own transparency, as well as blessed me with friendships and prayer partners through following His call to share. But y’all...I still have to remind myself and be reminded about the importance of transparency and I am sure that is why God put these words on my heart. 

It’s hard to be vulnerable...

What if being vulnerable gives someone a prayer partner?

It’s hard to put my junk out there....

What if being open about your shortcomings give others motivation?

It’s hard to face the ugly parts of me...

What if talking openly about your sin, your struggle, aide someone to come to know the saving power of Christ? 

What if we lived exposed? 

What if we ripped off the ads of who we want people to think we are?

#transparency #livingexposed #reminders

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:2‬ ‭NIV

No Shame in my game!

Sitting at the Walmart at 8am getting my groceries loaded, in a robe and holding my coffee. I don’t even know the last time I washed my hair. I’m fairly certain that Sadie isn’t wearing socks and no ones teeth have been brushed today. As a recovering perfectionist, this is hard for me but quite honestly this has been an emotionally draining week and I just don’t have the energy for much else. Through the process, I am working on not shaming myself for my “less than” moments. I will always have less than moments and shaming myself is wasted energy. And who is really judging us ladies on these “goals” or un-achievable perfections, anyway?? Like who is “they”?? 

My list for the day...

No shame for doing grocery pick up and not helping her load them.

No shame for having dirty baseboards.

No shame for having a sink full of dishes.

No shame for piles of laundry.

No shame for not giving your child a bath every night.

No shame in having a bad “mom moment”.

No shame for dirty hair and dry shampoo.

No shame for rocking yesterdays eye make up.

No shame for letting your child stare at a screen for a minute so you can breathe.

No shame if we don’t do educational shows.

No shame If we don’t practice sight words at 4. 

No shame in not making it to the gym.

No shame if your kid isn’t coloring in the lines.

No shame in not being a perfect bible study girl. 

No shame in not being the perfect wife.

If I want to be the best wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, Christian, employee, etc....I simply do not have time to shame myself about what I just don’t have time or energy to accomplish. Things will never be perfect and that’s why I trust in a perfect God. 

God has entrusted me with a husband, child, home, job, and other responsibilities that He is completely capable of helping me accomplish and It is only through Him that I can handle all of this life. Love what He has entrusted you with as hard as you can and you’ll have no time to shame yourself. 

#noshameinmygame #Heisperfect 

#IamlessthanHeisnot #walkingshameless

#recoveringperfectionist

Flower Roots

Title of Devotion:

Flower Roots

Verses used:

Deuteronomy 31:6-8

Story/Devotion:

Have you ever been faced with a challenge? Have you ever been faced with a decision that seemed overwhelmingly scary? I know I have and not only that, I know that as I continue my walk with Jesus I will continue to face these type of challenges on a regular basis. I was recently at the beach with my daughter and as usual she was teaching me lessons on life without even knowing it. She is barely 4 and full of wise tidbits. She is learning letters and how to draw pictures so we had spent a while at the ocean drawing in the sand. As we walked away from a flower we had drawn, she said “wait mama I need to finish it”. At the bottom of the flower she drew what looked like a root. She said “mama that’s where it’s planted, that makes it grow and makes it beautiful”. All I could think was wow, so much wisdom. I have had so many challenges in my 34 years. From middle school sports, high school friendships, and relationships, all the way to my marriage, career path and children. Each has brought different choices and within each choice it was evident for me which decision was of God. I may have not always done the right thing, and in many cases I didn’t follow the right path, but because of my roots being in God, I always knew which path to take. I was always led back to Him.

In Deuteronomy, Moses was commissioning Joshua to lead the Israelites without him. Joshua obviously needed guidance as did the Israelites. I can’t even imagine having to take the place of Moses—holy cow, that is a huge challenge! Moses said in three verses the words I have held to when faced with difficult challenges and also the scripture I was led to when Sadie and I were drawing in the sand.

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 7 Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the LORD swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. 8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Much like Joshua & the Israelite's were in fear of the future without Moses, we are fearful when it comes to certain challenges ahead of us. Joshua had been learning with Moses, he was rooted in the Lord and that is why the Lord appointed him. The faith we have in the LORD must be deeply rooted within us for us to have visible courage to face these challenges. If it weren’t for those flower roots, the flower would never be beautiful. If it weren’t for those flower roots, the flower wouldn’t be strong enough to handle rain and storms. In the same way, we must rely on our roots to be the women of God we are called to be, for without our roots we will never be given the courage to face life’s challenges.

Be Blessed Girls!

Prayer:

Lord, I pray that whatever challenge is ahead that I am able to rely on my deeply rooted Faith in you. Lord I pray knowledge and discernment over my upcoming challenges and decisions. I give them over to you for your will to be done. Amen.

A Barbie hand that slowed me down...

I suck at self care, I’ve probably said that before... If I find a moment without anything to do, I create something to do. I make lists about lists. I have to be forced to rest. Even watching a television show stresses me out because there are always things that could be done. 

Recently my job has changed, Sadie started school, grieving has been in full force...and the busyness of my mind has been paralytic. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had any time that I didn’t consume with a “to-do” and it was really starting to catch up with me. Last night I was seeking some quiet time so after everyone went to bed I snuck out and sat in the dark quiet living room for a while trying to slow my mind. After my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw a toy laying on the couch. My initial reaction to a toy not in place is to stop what I’m doing and put it up but last night was different. I felt drawn to what I saw. I have been drowning lately in my own thoughts and “tasks”. My head is spinning constantly, my anxiety has been through the roof, my inability to rest increasing...I have felt paralyzed in this state for months now. I feel like every prayer I pray starts with a petition for a rescue from my own thoughts. When I saw this toy from my chair, the imagery couldn’t be more reflective of my racing thoughts and prayer life lately. Desperate for God to take over my mind while also trying to tell Him how to do it...🤷🏼‍♀️ you all know the process...so stop being Holy judgers. 

From my perspective I could see just a hand. A small hand reaching up. The longer I sat and stared at this hand the more I realized just how “small” I am in comparison to whom I’m pleading to rescue me. If I’m 1,674% larger than said Barbie, i can only imagine how much bigger God is than myself. 

God tells us that He will rescue us from the evil of this world, He tells us that He will sustain us. I imagine that during my pleading for Him to take the anxiety from me that He sees a tiny hand reaching. I imagine Him saying “I will never leave you or forsake you”. I imagine Him saying “come to me all ye who are heavy burden and I will give you rest”. I imagine Him wondering why i ever allowed this sin to creep in when He so graciously gave me freedom in Him. I also imagine Him taking my hand and leading me through the valley. I imagine Him holding my hand through every racing thought that cripples me. I imagine the safety and security His hand provides...

As I sat in the darkness thinking about these things I realized that this was my rescue in my quiet time. This was my revelation. All the unmaking of late came to a screeching halt. I saw myself. I saw myself desperate for help and instantly felt the presence of God surrounding me. I know it may sound silly but as I was searching for peace and still quiet, He gave it to me....He provided imagery in this Barbie that reminded me just how BIG HE IS! I am so thankful for my relationship with Him. I can’t imagine going through the heartache and daily struggles without Him grabbing me by the hand and leading me...

He restores my soul;

#thebarbiehandthatslowedmedown 

‭‭

Reference-

Isaiah 46: 4

Matthew 11:28

Psalm 23:3

Henry is ONE

Oh sweet Henry, how I prayed for you. I prayed for you from the moment we knew you were growing inside of me. We prayed for a long healthy pregnancy. We started doctor appointments immediately and came up wth a medical plan to try and prevent early labor. But the countless doctor appointments, medicines, and shots couldn’t alter what the Lord intended. You came early in to this world like a champ and we watched you fight to survive and defy odds most days you were here. I pleaded with God to allow me to be your mommy on earth, if only for a little while longer. I pleaded with God to shield me from this pain again...but after 7 days I had to say goodbye. This past year has been hard without you here, very hard. Although I had experienced this loss with your sister, the oh so familiar pain was unbearable at times. 

So sweet boy, while I struggled all night to sleep and even more so to put some words together to honor you, I can’t help but be filled with gratitude.

I am grateful for my week. 

I am grateful to have gotten to hold you. 

I am grateful to have been able to change your diaper and kiss your sweet feet. 

I am grateful to have been able to sing to you.

And as much as my heart ached, I am grateful that I was able to rock you to Jesus. 

I am grateful to have had a week with you even if it meant losing you. You will always be my little boy...happy 1st birthday Henry! I love you sweet boy! My mama heart just knows you and Berkley are playing and dancing with Jesus. 

See you soon, 

Mama

Pain and Growth

One year ago today I went for my weekly doctor appointment to check on baby Henry. Every week I got a shot and every week I saw an OB. At my previous appointment everything was fine and healthy so I had no reason to believe that anything was going on. Within a few hours I was admitted to Floyd with pre-term labor. I was 22/5. After the results of my two prior pregnancies, I was well aware of what the odds of a healthy baby were and terrified of the pain and heartache I was about to face. My entire body shook from the moment I was told to go to the hospital. My mind jumped from scenario to scenario for the next 3 weeks of bed rest. With each ultrasound I feared the worst, when my water broke I knew it was the end, and when Sadie cried missing me at home the guilt was so bad I vomited. Some moments were a blur and some moments so clear, i wish I could forget them.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year. In a few short weeks we will celebrate his 1st birthday and one week later be reminded of the last breath he took. It has been a hard year, no doubt, and it hasn’t passed peacefully without pain, doubt, anger, or emptiness but it has also been a year of growth and Hope....

Have you ever seen a weed growing up in the concrete? Like one tiny twig sticking up between breaks in concrete that you immediately want to spray with weed killer? I saw one this morning and was given this nugget...Good things can grow in hard places and sometimes the hard places stimulate the growth. I know this because I’ve lived it. I know this because God leaves us examples in scripture of growth from hard places. It is not always a pleasant process, in fact it often may look like a weed sticking out of place in the concrete but it doesn’t negate the growth. The circumstances we are in have nothing to do with the perfection of the gifts God has given us or will give us during the hard seasons.

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭

So while I’m coming up on a hard anniversary and while the season I’m celebrating ended in devastation. While there are still days of extreme grief and overwhelming emptiness, it doesn’t make sweet Henry any less than a perfect gift from God. Even the hardest of days don’t take away the memories of one week on earth, or 25 weeks of belly life. 

Good things can grown in hard places.

Hard places don’t negate perfect gifts from God.

Amen and Amen. 🙌🏼 

Side note: it was raining and I was late so stopping my sloth like moving morning child to take a picture was less than optimal....so I googled an image for the post.  🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

Missing God-Spired moments

I am so God-spired at the beach, y’all. Something about no schedule and late nights, I really allow God to speak through the smallest of things. My last post was God-spired but also kicked off by my sweet mama saying “well if that doesn’t sound like your next blog”...I love my sweet mama, she gets me. Sometimes I forget to pay attention to the God-spired moments and people like my sweet mama remind me to pray about it so I can be led with His spirit. Sometimes I forget that He has blessed me with the gift of gab and that I must pay attention to the nuggets of wisdom that He gives me through my sweet girl.  Being at the beach I seem to be more aware of these moments but tonight, I almost missed a God-spired moment again...🙄🤷🏼‍♀️ I blame exhaustion.

We were out hunting shells while Sadie was literally chasing the pink sky, and I noticed she kept dropping tiny shells in my bucket. I couldn’t hear what she was saying each time she put one in the bucket so I just smiled as she ran around finding more. When I asked her what the shell was she said “it’s a butterfly shell and we have to keep them. It’s important”. 

Everything is important to this precious 3 year old so my first thought was that I would just rid them when she wasn’t looking because they are tiny and they’re too small. But that’s when God was like “hello Lauren, just because you can’t see the beauty doesn’t mean someone else can’t”. Such an elementary concept, right? Turns out this “butterfly shell” is called a Coquina...a tiny clam shell. They are like the size of your fingernail. It has two holes on each side, smart folks call them siphons but us common folk would say “tiny hole”. One takes in food and oxygen while the other dumps waste. The shells she was finding are open and look like a butterfly. I guess the tiny clam has come out and all that’s left are the open shells....I don’t really know, but from what I understand they are basically temporary houses for the tiny clam. So as far as their purpose, they’ve served it. But let me tell you something, through those sweet butterfly shells God taught me an old lesson. Much like we are taught about having  a “child like faith”, I saw that the beauty my child sees is way different than mine. Her perspective isn’t jaded like mine. So what I may see as too small to matter or waste, she sees as a butterfly. We adults are so jaded by the world, distracted by our stressors, and worried by obligations that we often miss the beauty that our sweet little ones see. I saw a purpose filled, washed up shell become beauty to a 3 year old. I was not only taught a lesson on beauty and perspective, but quickly reminded that no matter where we are in life, how purpose filled we feel, how worthless or washed up we may think we are, God can still use us. 

God has purpose for our pain, healing in His name and He works all things together for good.

Praise Hands for that! 🙌🏼

I don’t trust you in this ocean..

Sadie: ((screaming and climbing up my leg)) I’m scared of the ocean mommy — hold me!! 

Me: Kat baby, do you trust me to keep you safe?

Sadie: yes ((crying))

Me: ((takes off sunglasses)) Look in my eyes baby, trust me in the ocean. I won’t let you get hurt. 

Sadie: Yes but not right now in this ocean ((crying, running from water))

Out of the mouth of babes, right? Well maybe it’s out of the mouths of adults too...believing, Jesus loving adults.

How often do we —adults—say this? How often do we post and profess our trust in God, while not trusting Him with our current circumstances? If you’ve been in church for any amount of time you’ve probably heard a pastor or leader say something to the effect of if you can trust Him with your eternity, you can trust Him with your now. It’s preached, there are memes, we say it to others, we post it on social media, yet we hold on to our hardest moments like He isn’t big enough to handle it, like He doesn’t already know what we’re going through. 

—————

Because from the beginning...

““Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.””

Jeremiah 1:5 NIV

“From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God.”

Psalm 22:10 NIV

————

In the middle...

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”

Proverbs 3:5 NIV

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28 NIV

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3 NIV

—————

Until forever...

“I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.”

Job 19:25 NIV

“Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”

Isaiah 26:4 NIV

————

He tells us in scripture to trust. He gives us direction from the beginning. It’s so hard to trust His plan when things aren’t going according to ours. It’s easy to trust when we graduate, when we find our “soul mate”, when we have beautiful children, when they succeed, when our career takes off, when finances seem to be in order, when everyone is healthy. Yeah, that’s the good stuff life is supposed to be all about, right? But what happens when we can’t afford school, we are single or heartbroken, our children struggle, we can’t have children, we are let go from our job, lose our home. How do we react when things don’t go according to our perfect idea of life? I bet you that even the most saintly of people struggle in these times. Even the most profound pastor, speaker, leader, teacher you know will fall when faced with disappointment and failed life expectancies. We are human. We are bound to fail. We are not only bound to fail but bound for Hell without Jesus. I have never “questioned” the goodness of God and have always known that His plan was greater than mine. But with that being said, I have also had hard seasons. Seasons of deafening silence, seasons of questioning why, seasons of struggles behind the scenes and seasons of lonely emptiness where I longed for things to be according to my plan. 

So when Sadie says I just don’t want to trust you in this ocean, I get it. I feel that deep because I live it. Its in these times we have to rely on scripture we know, believers we trust, and prayer to survive whatever season we are in. Some seasons are gut wrenching but we have to remember that they are just that, seasons. The only thing that is forever is Jesus and that is why we must trust Him in the ocean. 

Almost a year...countdown to heartbreak

The six weeks following this post were easily the most emotionally draining weeks of my life. We went from an extremely healthy pregnancy to confusion, fear, trauma and loss very quickly. 

I am both thankful and heartbroken when I see these memories pop up. I am thankful for the time I carried him. I am thankful for the 7 days I had with him while also heartbroken that it was only 7 days. See, grief and joy run hand in hand when I think about Berk and Henry. The beauty of my relationship with Christ is that I can both grieve their loss while resting in assurance that His JOY never leaves me. Praise Hands for that 🙌🏼

#momof3 #only1yousee

Thy Will Be Done

When Facebook showed me my memories this morning, I was flooded with emotions. It was this day we gave him a name. It was this day we started anticipating the future with a little boy. This day was special. On this day, so many people loved on us and helped us celebrate baby Henry. I am ashamed to say these emotions got the best of me and I began this day with sadness, frustration, guilt, sorrow, regret, confusion, the list goes on...

But.GOD. 

Just as the service was starting today, my sweet cousin Tori sang one of my favorite songs. I knew she was singing it but I had no idea how badly I needed to hear the words. Not only did it freshen my perspective but also reassured me that God is in even the smallest of things. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, to the day we gave him a name, to the day my water broke, to the day he was born, to the day he passed and to the day Jody planned the music... almost 10 months later, when my heart would be shaking and I would need to hear “thy will be done”. It’s a hard prayer to pray and a harder prayer to live. Praise the Lord for the GRACE given to walk the prayer with a good good Father. #ThyWillBeDone #HeisGod 

#trust #allconsumingloveofGod 

Sloth the Sloth

Sadie got a new stuffed sloth this week that she loves. I asked her if she had picked him a name yet and her answer struck a cord in me. She said “he doesn’t need a name mommy, he is a sloth so we call him sloth”.

Y’all...how profound, right? 

What if we acknowledged each other as “human”? What if we didn’t place unrealistic expectations on others or, wait for it, even ourselves? What if we simply called each other human, treated each other with the same level of kindness, didn’t expect perfection of each other or seek it for ourselves?

In my bible study we just finished talking about the fall. In Genesis 3, after Adam and Eve had eaten from the tree and realized they were naked, God asked them two questions...

Where are you?

Who told you?

Lysa T teaches that those two questions can mean so much more than the context we probably read them in. 

Where are you? In your depression, in your anxiety, in your sin...where are you? God is with you but where are you? 

Who told you? Who told you that you were naked, who told you that you were any less than a child of God? 

The truth is once sin entered, we realized we were less than perfect, “naked” in every sense of the word, but our hearts didn’t lose the desire to be perfect. We all know Christ conquered perfection for us so that we could have eternal life with Him but the thing is sometimes our hearts desire to be perfect keep us from embracing the “made perfect through Christ” mentality that we’re all taught in church. That’s when we start labeling ourselves and others. That’s when we start throwing around judgements about how others should or shouldn’t live their lives when the truth is we  all (Christians) are struggling with some form of sin. We start comparing sins and each other when the truth is if we spend our time in comparison we will always leave with disappointment. We will never be truly satisfied or made perfect without Christ.

We are all human. None of us are perfect. None of us are anything apart from Christ so what if we all acknowledged that?? If we could all extend the grace of that acknowledgment I think kindness would certainly spread. I think we could all take a lesson from Sloth the sloth. I am not “Lauren the (__)”, I am Lauren the human. The human who makes mistakes, sometimes learns from them and sometimes repeats them. The human who loves the Lord but sins. The human who lets people down and also builds them up. 

Each one of you reading this probably have a label you’ve placed on yourself or a label that has placed on you. We all need to remember that we are simply “>insert name<, human, made perfect through Christ”

Hebrews 10:14

It’s easy to type this and much harder to live it...I know this. I just really love the idea of sloth the sloth so I wanted to share...♥️

Shifting perspectives

Can you imagine how different our reactions would be if we shifted our focus from “what is happening to us” to “God is transforming us”? I came across this picture and couldn’t help but think of all the horrific reactions I’ve had to situations in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and rarely allow myself to think before I speak so to say this is a challenge to me, is an understatement. I frequently let the battle show my weakness before I ever call on the Lord and I think most Christians would say the same. 

But here’s a thought...

And we are human and far from perfect so this would rarely go as planned...but let’s envision the worst scenario and then lets place God at the head of it. He isn’t orchestrating the disaster but it is happening in front of Him. He knows it is coming and knows it’s ending...we all know that, right? #churchtalk 

What I think sometimes gets lost, or what I forget until after the disaster, is that he also knows what good could come from us allowing Him to TRANSFORM us while it is HAPPENING to us. He knew that while my marriage was falling apart that He could walk me through a journey to totally depend on him. He knew that while Sadie was in NICU I would have chances to meet other moms and have the ability to share Him with scared mamas. Now I am in no way saying there isn’t a time for emotional healing and processing—I see a therapist y’all—weekly. 🙄 I am all about some processing and healing but I do believe that shifting our perspective may aide in our healing. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#Sundaythoughts #spiritualgoals #dailybattles 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Genesis 50:20 NIV

Purpose and why’s..

So I just finished It’s Not supposed to Be This Way...for the second time. The first time I legit cried through the entire book. After going to her conference, reading the book through tears and then reading the book to study, I have found my favorite snip. It isn’t a profound statement about Jesus or anything you might expect but just a relatable piece for me. Since relating to people is why I blog, I felt it necessary to share.

The past 6 years have been a constant narrative of whys. Why is David throwing clots, why can’t you carry full term, why do you keep burying babies, why is your marriage in constant suffering? Why would a God who loves me so deeply allow so much hurt? Shamefully, it has been in my asking of why that I’ve allowed the devil to creep in with answers that do NOT line up with the truth of God. It has been in my asking of why that I allowed seasons and weak moments of doubt to spread through me like wildfire. 

When I finished up the book this morning I came across this passage. I assume I passed over this last time I read it, but it gave me such a peace this morning. I felt some clarity in the midst of this season I’m currently in. Had I not re-read the book, I would have never come across this passage. But because I’m lending it to someone—I know, ridiculous, I don’t share— I decided to re-read it from a study perspective. And wow how much the “study perspective” has helped me. 

 And y’all don’t take this sharing thing lightly, i legit had to pray about lending my tear stained, coffee dropped, ripped cover, scribble favorite book out but Jesus said do it...so here we are. So see, also learning a lesson on sharing for my 34 year old princess self 👸🏼#blessmyheart

News Laws - New Lives - Gods Lives

I’m not going to give a political opinion on this new legislation and I don’t want any arguments created on my post. 

I just want to share my experience with you guys...

Berkley was born at 24 weeks. I gave birth to my first tiny person at home, alone, unmedicated. She had a lot of problems and was barely “viable”. We were given the choice to let her pass on her own or to give her a chance. “Full court press” is what we asked of the doctors. She fought hard from Oct 10, 2012- October 12, 2012. 

Sadie was born at 28 weeks. Sweet Sadie was a tough cookie, 8 weeks of NICU stay and she busted up out of there. I tried to deliver but had a prolapsed cord. Since we were both in danger, she was born via emergency c-section on July 29, 2015.

Henry was born at 25 weeks after 3 weeks of hospital bed rest, fluids and too many bed pans. I carried him for two weeks after my water broke. He entered the world with an epidural and typical vaginal delivery. He fought like a champ for an entire week from June 24, 2018-July 1, 2018.

I have had 3 babies in 6 years. 

I have never carried past 28 weeks and I have delivered 3 babies 3 very different ways. I have watched all three of my tiny babies fight hard for their lives. I may only have one on earth but they all had a chance. Two of them took their last breath in my arms. Regardless of anyone’s political stance, these are babies that God himself formed and placed in my womb. God trusted me with these tiny lives regardless of how long I carried. The same God who created the heavens and the earth trusted me with the task and blessing of being a mama...

““Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.””

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭1:5‬ 

““This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb: I am the Lord, the Maker of all things, who stretches out the heavens, who spreads out the earth by myself,”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭44:24‬ ‭

2019..I’m coming at ya!

July 1, 2018 was the last time I held sweet Henry. Six months of remembering the way his skin felt against mine. Six months of smelling the NICU smells. Six months of scrubbing my hands, listening to beeping machines, and praying over a plastic box. Losing my second child has more than destroyed my heart but I know there is a greater HOPE. I know there is greater purpose for the pain and that Gods plan is far greater than mine...

So even though 2018 has held more heartache than I could ever express, I am walking hand in hand with Jesus into 2019. 

#cheersto2019 #growth