This Christmas has been especially hard for me. In every moment alone I've found myself in tears. Sometimes sobs and sometimes quiet tears dropping, but tears nonetheless. As blessed as I feel to have my sweet miracle here, the loss of Berkley has lingered and been even more present this year. Maybe it's because she would be old enough to express what she wants and have excitement in her eyes for Santa, maybe it's because I would love to see her helping her little sister opening gifts, or maybe it's because it just plain hurts. I can just see my blonde headed, blue eyed girls opening gifts together with big smiles on Christmas morning.
It probably sounds crazy to most because I have no real memories to reflect on. Maybe it sounds crazy because the time I did have was hospital time but it isn't like that. I miss the what could be's. I miss the what should be's. I miss the idea of joy that Berkley would have added to our family.
Now let me say this, I don't mean that I've been lost in missing Berkley and not enjoying Sadie, that's not it. That's not it at all. It's been the best Christmas I've ever experienced! Being a mom and seeing how loved Sadie is has been the best of the best, but it doesn't take away the pain of losing Berk. Sadie doesn't and shouldn't replace the piece of my heart that my first girl holds. She is just as much my daughter as Sadie is. Just because she isn't here, doesn't mean she isn't a part of my heart. The blessings are blessings...separate from the losses. They in no way replace or repair the pain and damage that a loss can create. So it's been hard. As beautiful as this Christmas has been, it's been tough. Real tough.
But...Thankfully I serve a God who shows me little glimpses of Berkley on a daily basis. Thankfully I serve a God who gave me two whole days with my first girl. Thankfully I serve a God who blessed me with a little miracle who I can tell all about her big sister. Thankfully I serve a God who allows me to rest in His arms when it hurts too bad to breathe on my own. Thankfully I serve Him...
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