Almost a year...countdown to heartbreak

The six weeks following this post were easily the most emotionally draining weeks of my life. We went from an extremely healthy pregnancy to confusion, fear, trauma and loss very quickly. 

I am both thankful and heartbroken when I see these memories pop up. I am thankful for the time I carried him. I am thankful for the 7 days I had with him while also heartbroken that it was only 7 days. See, grief and joy run hand in hand when I think about Berk and Henry. The beauty of my relationship with Christ is that I can both grieve their loss while resting in assurance that His JOY never leaves me. Praise Hands for that 🙌🏼

#momof3 #only1yousee

Thy Will Be Done

When Facebook showed me my memories this morning, I was flooded with emotions. It was this day we gave him a name. It was this day we started anticipating the future with a little boy. This day was special. On this day, so many people loved on us and helped us celebrate baby Henry. I am ashamed to say these emotions got the best of me and I began this day with sadness, frustration, guilt, sorrow, regret, confusion, the list goes on...

But.GOD. 

Just as the service was starting today, my sweet cousin Tori sang one of my favorite songs. I knew she was singing it but I had no idea how badly I needed to hear the words. Not only did it freshen my perspective but also reassured me that God is in even the smallest of things. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, to the day we gave him a name, to the day my water broke, to the day he was born, to the day he passed and to the day Jody planned the music... almost 10 months later, when my heart would be shaking and I would need to hear “thy will be done”. It’s a hard prayer to pray and a harder prayer to live. Praise the Lord for the GRACE given to walk the prayer with a good good Father. #ThyWillBeDone #HeisGod 

#trust #allconsumingloveofGod 

Sloth the Sloth

Sadie got a new stuffed sloth this week that she loves. I asked her if she had picked him a name yet and her answer struck a cord in me. She said “he doesn’t need a name mommy, he is a sloth so we call him sloth”.

Y’all...how profound, right? 

What if we acknowledged each other as “human”? What if we didn’t place unrealistic expectations on others or, wait for it, even ourselves? What if we simply called each other human, treated each other with the same level of kindness, didn’t expect perfection of each other or seek it for ourselves?

In my bible study we just finished talking about the fall. In Genesis 3, after Adam and Eve had eaten from the tree and realized they were naked, God asked them two questions...

Where are you?

Who told you?

Lysa T teaches that those two questions can mean so much more than the context we probably read them in. 

Where are you? In your depression, in your anxiety, in your sin...where are you? God is with you but where are you? 

Who told you? Who told you that you were naked, who told you that you were any less than a child of God? 

The truth is once sin entered, we realized we were less than perfect, “naked” in every sense of the word, but our hearts didn’t lose the desire to be perfect. We all know Christ conquered perfection for us so that we could have eternal life with Him but the thing is sometimes our hearts desire to be perfect keep us from embracing the “made perfect through Christ” mentality that we’re all taught in church. That’s when we start labeling ourselves and others. That’s when we start throwing around judgements about how others should or shouldn’t live their lives when the truth is we  all (Christians) are struggling with some form of sin. We start comparing sins and each other when the truth is if we spend our time in comparison we will always leave with disappointment. We will never be truly satisfied or made perfect without Christ.

We are all human. None of us are perfect. None of us are anything apart from Christ so what if we all acknowledged that?? If we could all extend the grace of that acknowledgment I think kindness would certainly spread. I think we could all take a lesson from Sloth the sloth. I am not “Lauren the (__)”, I am Lauren the human. The human who makes mistakes, sometimes learns from them and sometimes repeats them. The human who loves the Lord but sins. The human who lets people down and also builds them up. 

Each one of you reading this probably have a label you’ve placed on yourself or a label that has placed on you. We all need to remember that we are simply “>insert name<, human, made perfect through Christ”

Hebrews 10:14

It’s easy to type this and much harder to live it...I know this. I just really love the idea of sloth the sloth so I wanted to share...♥️

Shifting perspectives

Can you imagine how different our reactions would be if we shifted our focus from “what is happening to us” to “God is transforming us”? I came across this picture and couldn’t help but think of all the horrific reactions I’ve had to situations in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and rarely allow myself to think before I speak so to say this is a challenge to me, is an understatement. I frequently let the battle show my weakness before I ever call on the Lord and I think most Christians would say the same. 

But here’s a thought...

And we are human and far from perfect so this would rarely go as planned...but let’s envision the worst scenario and then lets place God at the head of it. He isn’t orchestrating the disaster but it is happening in front of Him. He knows it is coming and knows it’s ending...we all know that, right? #churchtalk 

What I think sometimes gets lost, or what I forget until after the disaster, is that he also knows what good could come from us allowing Him to TRANSFORM us while it is HAPPENING to us. He knew that while my marriage was falling apart that He could walk me through a journey to totally depend on him. He knew that while Sadie was in NICU I would have chances to meet other moms and have the ability to share Him with scared mamas. Now I am in no way saying there isn’t a time for emotional healing and processing—I see a therapist y’all—weekly. 🙄 I am all about some processing and healing but I do believe that shifting our perspective may aide in our healing. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#Sundaythoughts #spiritualgoals #dailybattles 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Genesis 50:20 NIV

Purpose and why’s..

So I just finished It’s Not supposed to Be This Way...for the second time. The first time I legit cried through the entire book. After going to her conference, reading the book through tears and then reading the book to study, I have found my favorite snip. It isn’t a profound statement about Jesus or anything you might expect but just a relatable piece for me. Since relating to people is why I blog, I felt it necessary to share.

The past 6 years have been a constant narrative of whys. Why is David throwing clots, why can’t you carry full term, why do you keep burying babies, why is your marriage in constant suffering? Why would a God who loves me so deeply allow so much hurt? Shamefully, it has been in my asking of why that I’ve allowed the devil to creep in with answers that do NOT line up with the truth of God. It has been in my asking of why that I allowed seasons and weak moments of doubt to spread through me like wildfire. 

When I finished up the book this morning I came across this passage. I assume I passed over this last time I read it, but it gave me such a peace this morning. I felt some clarity in the midst of this season I’m currently in. Had I not re-read the book, I would have never come across this passage. But because I’m lending it to someone—I know, ridiculous, I don’t share— I decided to re-read it from a study perspective. And wow how much the “study perspective” has helped me. 

 And y’all don’t take this sharing thing lightly, i legit had to pray about lending my tear stained, coffee dropped, ripped cover, scribble favorite book out but Jesus said do it...so here we are. So see, also learning a lesson on sharing for my 34 year old princess self 👸🏼#blessmyheart

News Laws - New Lives - Gods Lives

I’m not going to give a political opinion on this new legislation and I don’t want any arguments created on my post. 

I just want to share my experience with you guys...

Berkley was born at 24 weeks. I gave birth to my first tiny person at home, alone, unmedicated. She had a lot of problems and was barely “viable”. We were given the choice to let her pass on her own or to give her a chance. “Full court press” is what we asked of the doctors. She fought hard from Oct 10, 2012- October 12, 2012. 

Sadie was born at 28 weeks. Sweet Sadie was a tough cookie, 8 weeks of NICU stay and she busted up out of there. I tried to deliver but had a prolapsed cord. Since we were both in danger, she was born via emergency c-section on July 29, 2015.

Henry was born at 25 weeks after 3 weeks of hospital bed rest, fluids and too many bed pans. I carried him for two weeks after my water broke. He entered the world with an epidural and typical vaginal delivery. He fought like a champ for an entire week from June 24, 2018-July 1, 2018.

I have had 3 babies in 6 years. 

I have never carried past 28 weeks and I have delivered 3 babies 3 very different ways. I have watched all three of my tiny babies fight hard for their lives. I may only have one on earth but they all had a chance. Two of them took their last breath in my arms. Regardless of anyone’s political stance, these are babies that God himself formed and placed in my womb. God trusted me with these tiny lives regardless of how long I carried. The same God who created the heavens and the earth trusted me with the task and blessing of being a mama...

““Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.””

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭1:5‬ 

““This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb: I am the Lord, the Maker of all things, who stretches out the heavens, who spreads out the earth by myself,”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭44:24‬ ‭

2019..I’m coming at ya!

July 1, 2018 was the last time I held sweet Henry. Six months of remembering the way his skin felt against mine. Six months of smelling the NICU smells. Six months of scrubbing my hands, listening to beeping machines, and praying over a plastic box. Losing my second child has more than destroyed my heart but I know there is a greater HOPE. I know there is greater purpose for the pain and that Gods plan is far greater than mine...

So even though 2018 has held more heartache than I could ever express, I am walking hand in hand with Jesus into 2019. 

#cheersto2019 #growth