When the silence is so loud and the noise is so silent....

Lonliness is so loud, silence pierces my ears, I don't like it. Its quiet, it's dark and its empty. Some may wonder why I'm so loud...well that's why! I hate the quiet times...its just too hard for me. Since God hasn't chosen to reveal His master plan to me, I can get a little anxious in the not knowing silent moments. The silence of an empty womb is terrifying but I've been blessed enough to hear two heartbeats, see two babies grow, and feel two babies kick.. The silence of a one-child household seems awfully quiet but then again, there are plenty of only children that I love and adore. But that's not the scary silence. That's not the deepest painful silence. The true pain comes in the silence of an absent 3 year old. It makes me feel useless at times. It makes me feel like my body has rejected a gift from God and it makes me hate myself...even loathe myself to the very core. This silence has seemed ever present lately, tugging and nagging at me. I have felt an absence, a sense of lonliness like never before. A fear of loss, an overwhelming fear that controls me and all my relationships. 

This past week we acquired an old metal swing set. You know, the kind that the poles come out of the ground when you swing too high? Yeah well we are now the proud owners of one of those gems! First off lets point out that my hind-end doesn't fit in the swing...and for that I blame Sadie. :) There is a lower piece that you stand on and rock back and forth, well it fits my hiney just fine! So Sunday afternoon Sadie and I were sitting on that piece just rocking back and forth enjoying the pretty day, when I felt an overwhelming presence. My heart raced and I felt joy fill my face and flush my cheeks. You see, the wind was calm and no other parts of the swing set were moving but out of nowhere the swing beside me started to swing. It wasn't in rythm with me, it wasn't even swinging at the same pace as I was swinging....For those few minutes I could just picture the wind blowing her hair, the sound of her giggles while she felt the wind behind her. I couldn't help but imagine her looking and talking with Sadie about her first swing set. It's hard to imagine only having Sadie. It's hard to imagine my body not being able to carry any more children. But in that moment I was okay with the silence. I was full of peace and felt an oh so familiar comfort...a peace and comfort that i had felt before. It was my girl. Now I know that sounds insane and you can think it's hockey or that it may have just been my big tail rocking the set, but I know that peace. And that peace is a peace that only God can give. I know that comfort. I know the presence of God and I know my hearts senses. I am so thankful for a relationship with such a loving Father. A Father who sees my grief and knows it. A Father who's peace and comfort reassure me that He is always with me and will always hold me in my darkest deepest moments. That moment of silence, when all I could hear were squirrels running around, was a quiet peaceful moment. It was a silence I didn't mind at all! Praise God for His blessings!

His Time is On Time and for that I am truly thankful! I may not have my spunky Berkley here with me but He shows her to me in mighty ways! 

#momentswithHim

#momentswithmygirls