Divorced

I am the “smiler”…I always have been. No matter how difficult life has ever been, I have always tried to smile. Now I don’t think that is always bad. Knowing that God is in control and smiling because you know that is a sign of faith in the Almighty, but what I have come to know as bad, is being completely fake with people and not letting your brokenness show. I recently learned this the hard way….

I got divorced. Well not all the way but signed papers, sold a house, separate living, waiting on a court date, divorced. Separate money, divided assets, planned future holidays, shared weekends with our child, divorced. With the exception of our names being printed in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record, we were divorced. I was devastated. Devastated for Sadie, devastated for my family, devastated for me…but I don’t know that in the initial moments I was focused on the right things, the God things. Because as I said, I am the “smiler”. I couldn’t let others see me fail.

I remember when our marriage started to crumble. It was so overwhelming that we both just ignored the signs. We numbed out to what was happening, didn’t take any action and our marriage slipped right between our fingertips. Our affection was gone, our sympathy and compassion for each other had completely left and we were just two kids who grew up together and grew apart. We had families that adored each other, we were pretty perfect from the outside.

I remember the day he said he thought we needed to separate…it was July, during VBS. I was shocked. I remember calling my sister and boohooing…what would I do? We have a child now, I love Jesus…I couldn’t possibly get divorced. My family doesn’t do divorce. Oh great, the first one with tattoos and the first one to get divorced...#winnersinner of the Padgett black sheep award goes to me.

Looking back on all my thoughts, how selfish was I to only consider myself? How selfish of me to only be concerned with how I would be viewed by other people. How selfish of me to assume the worst about David and not consider how hard it was for him to say those words…looking back I was trying to protect some “image”, some “plastic life” that isn’t realistic and not Christ like at all. We did start therapy and that was very encouraging for me. I saw David in real honesty for the first time in a long time but sadly we only made it a few more months before David moved out.

It was October…just starting to get chilly. I was an absolute basket case. I tried to cling to God but I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. As much as we had been through as a couple, why now? I tried to be okay…but I was a wreck. I said things like “all things come together for good” and “God is with me and I will be okay”….but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I was smiling, making Lauren the “Christian” look like she was trusting…but the truth is I was falling further and further away from God. Maintaining the smile wasn’t drawing me closer to God, it wasn’t showing that HE was getting me through, I was showing nothing of the sort. I was showing that Lauren could put on a fake smile while her insides burned, that Lauren could laugh and make sarcastic jokes just to survive….but by no means would anyone know that I was a total wreck. Only those who truly know me could see through the smile. It was ugly, some days worse than others. The only motivation I had was Sadie but some days that wasn’t enough. Some days I could barely function.

January 2^nd, David came to the house with divorce papers…this is where we were. We had survived the holidays with Sadie. Our families were very understanding and loving toward us but now it was back to reality…we were getting divorced. We flipped through question after question with no disagreements. We didn’t not get along, we didn’t argue…we just made decisions. It reminded me of the time we were at the funeral home preparing for Berkley’s service…it was just business. This had to be handled so we got through it. We eventually hired an attorney and it was off to the races…we met there frequently to discuss and finalize how we would raise Sadie, because let’s be honest, that is all that mattered. Most days I sobbed uncontrollably after I put Sadie to bed. Days passed by like molasses. I couldn’t wait until Sadie was asleep because I was finally free to breathe. Free to grieve in the darkness of my own home where no one would see me. It was a grieving process…I had lost someone so dear to me and I was going through the same motions I did when we lost Berkley, only he was still alive. I was slowly rotting from the inside out but I didn’t want anyone to really know where I was. I yelled at God, pleaded with David, pleaded with God, I didn’t understand, I wanted to desperately to have my marriage back. I tried to grasp on to things to fill me up but I was empty. The man I had loved for most of my life was gone. Our marriage was over. There was nothing left of us but words printed on pages in official fonts with a lot of places to sign….and then that day came. We signed. Tears dropped on each page as I signed my name. I was divorced. In 30 days he would go to court and then our names would be in black and white in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record…how dreadful.

It was around this time I started to show real emotion. I don’t know why…maybe because it was done, maybe I didn’t feel like it was up in the air anymore or maybe it was because I could no longer hide from what was going on. For the last 3 years I have worked so hard on authenticity. I have worked on showing the real authentic Lauren and through this process of pain I lost that and I hated myself for it. My writing stopped, I stopped reading, I stopped blogging, no more bible study, no more thankful prayers…I kept pushing all my feelings down because no one could know how I had failed at marriage. I was a disgrace, or that’s how I felt anyway. Shutting people out due to shame and regret had become the only way i knew to deal with the pain. 

As a trained up Jesus lover, one would assume i would cling to verses like... 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

I knew all the right encouraging words that i would say to someone else but i had no ability to apply them to my life. That is what happens when life drags you down...you get so caught up in your pain and your darkness that you can't see the light that you could show to someone else.

I found an old book I had read years ago while grieving Berkley and started trying to find my “me” again. The book is called “Reclaiming Your Heart”, a book about reclaiming a heart for Christ amidst life’s unthinkable tragedies. I found a quote by the author, Denise Hildreth Jones and it resonated with me because I was in a storm, one of the toughest I'd ever faced. 

“Some things just couldn't be protected from storms. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once old thing were broken off, amazingly beautiful thing could grow in their place.” 
― Denise Hildreth Jones

I say all this to say being real and transparent is the only way I started to heal. Owning where I was in my life and accepting that I didn't have to fit a plastic mold helped me find my place in the world again, with or without David. Shutting down my heart was no way to heal. 

Thankfully and prayerfully, David and I are back together. It was within those 30 days that he came to me broken and we started working on us again. We are a walking testimony of Christ's love for us. Every day holds a different challenge but through our communication, seeing each other’s perspective and transparency with each other we are doing really well. Sadie has her parents again. We have each other again. And more importantly we have God as the center, knowing we would have never made it through our mess of a life without His love and guidance. David and I fought his illness and near death experience, our daughter’s death, chronic illness, depression and a whole other list of pains together but we didn't face them together and we didn't face them with God in the center...that was the downfall of our marriage. 

A song came on the radio this morning and inspired me to share this closed up most recent, personal, chapter of my life so I'll end with some lyrics to this amazing song...

“But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
'Cause You see the real me

And You love me just as I am

Wonderful, beautiful is what You see
When You look at me”

-Natalie Grant

My sweet encouraging husband--just a snap shot

Exodus 3:14 14 "And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am"

My sweet David reminded me of this verse yesterday. It was one of those self loathing, pitiful Lauren, cried all day kind of Sundays. I spend most of the afternoon in tears over what "I am" or "am not". David reminded me of just how much power these two words carry. He said "there is a reason God said 'I AM'." And he is so right. Changing how we think can impact our mood so much more than we realize. If we claim it, we can sometimes end up becoming it...that's a dangerous slope of negative self talk that will spiral you into a depression real quick. 

He asked me to list 5 things I'm grateful for and to say it in sentence form...

"I am grateful for______, because_____".

After reluctantly doing this activity I instantly started feeling better. (I was also very grateful that we were having this moment)

I am sooo thankful he was so supportive, loving and understanding yesterday because I was a hot mess for sure! His words of encouragement and biblical truth helped me so much in my yucky day. 

I AM thankful for you, David Simpson!

And for those of you who don't know that side of him, don't lose hope the idiot David still exists....He also made me stand up and pose like Wonder Woman for a whole minute in an attempt to brighten my smile...😂😂😂

My most recent drought...

Have you ever felt like you were in a drought..like this season of your life had no meaning, no purpose, it was just merely a time of production and survival? That is how the last 6 months have felt to me. Between a toddler, a full time job, keeping up the house, laundry, a dog, feeding said toddler and dog, and a hand full of personal struggles...I have felt dried up. The ability to see any purpose in anything has seemed nearly impossible. I have been in a rut I guess. In all that I've also felt extremely pulled to get back to blogging but what would I possibly blog about? Some of my personal struggles I am not so ready to talk about, mommy-hood is just what it is...mommy-hood, nothing new to say there and my spiritual walk is a little like someone who's had too much wine. #moscatocleanup, first pew on the left. I've struggled with talking to God, hearing Him clearly, reading, praying...the whole bit has wandered out of my daily life. I don't know how I allowed myself to get here, but I have. Today in our service I took some time during the offertory to pray, just pray for wisdom, for guidance, a sign that I'm heading in the direction He would have me to. When I got home today I had received a message from my dear friend who heads up Footprints on the Heart, the local organization that I support and speak of often.
I feel like God said...you asked-here.
She said that a piece of my wedding gown had been used to make an infant burial gown and was gifted today to a sweet mother who was having to lay her still born daughter to rest. It brought me to my knees. This poor family, right at Christmas, laying their child to rest. Oh how my heart aches for this dear family. The pain of burying your child a pain like no other. I wish I could wrap her up in my arms and just let her know that she is dearly loved and supported, that Jesus is cradling her sweet baby. I know that pain all too well and my heart wants to reach her heart and just hold it for a while because it's going to be hard for her to breathe and her heart may forget to beat from time to time...bless her.
Our pastor spoke about Joseph and his crucial role in Christ's story of birth and His earthly life today. It is amazing how overlooked he is. He talked about loving beyond our rights. Loving deeply and trusting that God was good and His word would guide us. When I got my note today it brought me back to Joseph. It brought me back to them welcoming a new baby boy, The King. It brought me back to their journey as parents. It brought me back to Gods love for us that He would GIVE His son...for us. Can you imagine handing over your child to die? No, no parent can...but God. He can because He did. 
It also gave me great pause for Mary. A new mommy, who's baby was born....only to die a cruel unimaginable death. One of my favorite scriptures from Luke is 2:19
"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
Because that's what us moms do....we treasure every single second and moment with our little one and we keep them as close to us as we can. To have those future moments robbed is a hard way to suffer and for this mommy today, she will slowly begin to miss the things that she never experienced. She will remember every anniversary. She will remember when her baby would have been 10 months old and would have probably been starting to pull up and wobble. She may celebrate their birthdays, she will never go a day without remembering what could've been. She will "ponder them in her heart", just like Mary did. 
I ask my blog family, my facebook family, and all the people this may reach, to pray for this family over the next few weeks and months to come. I don't know them personally but I know they are hurting and I know that I serve a God who commands us to love one another.


I was shopping  just yesterday and my sweet girl got to stand and twirl on the same pedestal where I was fitted for my wedding gown. When I stood on that pedestal 7 years ago, I had no idea that I would lose my first daughter after two days, I had no idea that I would have another "close call" with my second daughter and I had no idea that the very gown would be used to help parents bury their tiny babies. God works in mysterious ways...
Below is a picture collage I would like to share.
My dress on my wedding day
My precious, Jesus held, first daughter, Berkley.
My sweet Sadie on the day she was born.
My sweet Sadie yesterday twirling where I first tried on my gown.
And finally a picture of the infant burial gown that was made from my wedding gown.

PS: it's raining...

 

I'm no longer a slave..but a Prisoner for the Lord.

Ephesians 4:1-2

4 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one anotherin love.

Have you ever felt like you were a prisoner to something or someone? Have you ever felt like you were held captive by something or someone to the point that you're suffocating?? I know at times I've felt a prisoner to my own thoughts. My mind is a big ole battlefield. It's a constant stream of schedules and thoughts..good and bad, happy and sad. My needs, others needs, my worries, their worries. Worry, negativity, anxiety...they run and run until I'm overwhelmed and suffocating within myself. I read this scripture tonight just on a whim and it hit me like a sledgehammer slap to the face. 

"As a PRISONER"...that's what it said. Prisoner. We are called to be a prisoner of the Lord. We are called to allow Him to be our overwhelming thought. We are called to let Him radiate, through us, His love. But we become prisoners to every other possible thing in this world. We allow social media to distort what "real life" is with happy family pictures in spotless kitchens. We allow someone's world, that seems so perfect, to be our goal. All of the sudden money, status and materialist riff raff become what we obsess over. We become prisoner to "keeping up with the Kardashians" instead of a prisoner of the Lord, honoring and focusing on the calling He gave us. 

We talked about worry and anxieties in Sunday School today. Reading out of Matthew 6...verse 34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.". I have probably read this verse 10, 000 times. It's a pretty common "encouraging" type verse that is written in every "cheer you up" note or card you'll receive. But here's the thing....If we would just allow ourselves to be a Prisoner for the Lord, we would have nothing to worry about. If we allow God to reveal our calling, we can become the person He created us to be. We can walk in a new light without being a prisoner to anything or anyone...only to the Most High.

Now the next part of the verse talks about walking humbly and gently. Now see...Gentle isn't my thing. I'm sarcastic, loud and can be a little overwhelming. I can be pretty blunt and honest in effort to get a laugh from someone. But in this verse I believe it is referring to how you use your gifts and how you are perceived. If I were a stand up comedian, which would make sense because I'm hilarious...pick up on that? Aside from my obvious sarcasm, that attitude would be an example of not being gentle or humble in the gifts He has blessed me with. Being humble in what we are blessed with and gentle with the hurting souls we are trying to reach...that's the point. Why would He bless us with such powerful gifts if we weren't able to use them with humility, admitting our own faults, and covering the hurting in grace and gentle love? That's the point. It's not to gloat or boast...because nothing in this world is truly ours, not even our gifts. 

Okay okay, my favorite part, READY?? .."be patient, bearing with one another in love". Can I get a Holla?? Stop it. Just stop. We all, every single one of us, have faults and flaws. We all sin differently yet we all put our pants on the same way. It's hard to be patient sometimes when someone you love may be going astray and its hard not to place judgement when someone sins so differently than you. But we are called to be a Prisioner of the Lord and to love them...as He loved us. Do we love one another or do we covet one another? Do we love on the hurting or do we shun them and judge their sins more harshly than our own? At what point to we give up and allow God to rein and rule in our lives? At what point do we give Him the keys and say "throw them where you will, Here I am".

Being a perfect prisoner of the Lord is ridiculously impossible..it will not and can not happen. Perfection isn't attainable and God doesn't expect it out of us. What He wants and truly desires is for us to fall on our face and allow Him to rule. He pursues us and only request that we return that pursuit and be a light for Him. 

She'll never play alone...

Sometimes I struggle thinking that my sweet girl may be an only child--ish. If you've read my other post you know that I struggle carrying full term and that we haven't decided if we want to take that chance again. Five years ago I was a type A, box-fitting only, scheduler with a life plan that would make you question when I had free time. I would have two boys, two years apart. We would live on a couple acres in cave spring. I would be done by 30 with children. At 35 I would transition to part time. Our savings would be heathy, 401-K progressing nicely, paid off vehicles and the financial freedom to do what we wanted with the boys...

Almost 4 years ago that all changed. David got deathly ill...recovered well but took 3 years to gain back any form of confidence. Little Berkley came at 24 weeks and was just not quite ready for this world. After two days of ups and downs she went to play with Jesus. We took the leap of faith again and almost a year ago our sweet Sadie came at 28 weeks...after 8 weeks of NICU time she was able to come home! Not only come home but come home heathy and thriving! It is absolutely insane to me that I'm planning a first bday party! So needless to say my boxes and plans were thrown out the window. We still live in our "starter home" in garden lakes on less than an acre....with neighbors, my savings is less than ideal from medical expenses, my 401-K contributions on hold, car payment and I have two girls....one in heaven and one on earth.

Ecclesiastes 8:6 says "For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a person may be weighed down by misery."

Hard to swallow after the ups and downs of the last few years. It's hard to fathom God being in the midst of all the sickness and death our tiny family faced. But He was and I have gained a closer relationship with Him and a better understanding of His love for me through all the trials.

In the same sense of my past, is the promise of my oh so uncertain future. It's hard to fathom being a mom of one living child. I can't imagine her growing up alone. As a woman who said she may never have children, a never baby-sitting, hating spit-up woman....I would have a house full now that I've had this past year with Sadie, but that may not be in the cards. She may be an only-ish child. The only certainty of my future is that His love will never leave me or foresake me. The only certainty of my future is that in His timing all will fall into place.

I posted a few weeks ago about the swing set and how God is constantly showing me glimpses of Berk. And He does....He allowed that swing to swing and let my little one swing with her big sister.

Luke 18:27 sheds more light..

"Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”."

No man can magically make a swing swing, no man can give me the sense of peace I felt with both my girls outside. No man, only Him. With Him and only through Him can I see glimpses of my little girl that I can no longer physically hold. 

Last night when we were snapping pictures on the beach, I was once again overwhelmed with His love and reassurance. See, in this same exact house last year, in this same exact spot on the beach, God showed me, in cloud form, an angel holding a baby. It was a beautiful sunset that I have framed in Sadie's nursery. I have never been quiet about the fact that I think that was Berk. I haven't held back the fact that it was the peace I needed to feel that night. 

Last night we were trying to get some cute pics of Sadie and I in the sunset....Miranda snapped this picture and when we got back to the room I was blown away by what I saw.

See that sillouhet? Wow. Do you see it? Say wow again. Berk is playing with us. I just know it. Berk is up there making sure her little sister is safe. I don't think Sadie will ever play alone. I don't think Sadie will ever have imaginary friends...in fact I think Sadie will have her big sister to play with. I'm sure of it. There will always be a presence with her. I carry B in my heart and I am so so certain that God will allow Sadie to feel that presence too. She may end up being an only-ish child, only time will tell, but what I do know is that she will never play alone. ❤️❤️

Resuscitate...13 letters.

re·sus·ci·tate

1. To restore consciousness or other signs of life to-one who appears dead

I don't know why it hit me so hard this month but seeing those 13 letters on my Floyd Statement broke me. Sometimes I forget just how close i was to losing my little girl. Written across the statement, the first line of care says "NB Resuscitation". On July 29th sometime between 10:30pm and midnight the doctors and nurses had to bring back my little 2 pound girl. The pic to the left is the first time i saw my girl. It was around 2am on the 30th. She had been resuscitated and hooked up to a million different machines to keep her alive. Alive.....as opposed to dead.



You've read my blog, my story of losing our first girl. Everyone who is reading this has walked through the last moments with me. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be back in that position with Sadie. I can't imagine having to experience that loss again and thanks to the medical team and these 13 letters, i didn't have to. Thanks to constant prayer and monitoring, my heart was able to flourish. 

I am kinda ADD and the thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is this word....resuscitate, so i looked it up. In the definition the first two words say: "To Restore". How many of us need to be restored? Amen, me too! We may not be taking our last breath, but we may be so lost we can't breathe in the peace that only God can give us. We may be so overwhelmed that we can't slow down to give God the time we need to continually build our relationship with Him. Dying inside and Physically Dying...two totally different things. We all have those days where we walk around defeated, dead inside, head hung low, hurting, empty, looking for someone or something to "restore" our joy. We spend so much time resuscitating ourselves. We pour our time and energy into restoring ourselves with stuff. Now i see nothing wrong with stuff...I am all about some shopping and i love love love clothes, but that isn't what will restore us. When we try to resuscitate ourselves we deny Him the ability to renew us. We deny Him what He died for...

Titus 3:5says, 

5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.

We can't resuscitate ourselves, we can't do anything to deserve His saving. We can't do anything to assist Him in renewing us. We can only rest in Him. Rest in His ability to resuscitate us. Bring us from an inner dead-like, defeated, troubled spirit to a thriving spirit filled with Peace! His Peace! He says in John...

John 14:27

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I guess this word stuck out because I am constantly battling the defeated and troubled spirit. As a professional at Anxiety and all things dramatic, I can so easily slip into the defeated mindset. I am literally so good at Anxiety I am thinking about quitting my job to pursue it full time. SO funny....i read it somewhere the other day and laughed so hard. 

Anyway, it led me to these thoughts. Resuscitating my little girl is just as important to me as it is for us to allow God to resuscitate us. He gave His son..GAVE. The idea of losing another child brings me to my knees but he GAVE His son...we must allow Him to be the Savior He died to be. Let Him be the breathing machine when we can't catch our breath, let Him be the nutrients in the pic line, let Him be the transfusions, and allow Him to restore & heal us. 

Dying, Death, Dead, Die.... short words with big meaning. It takes a big ole' 13 letter word to revive and restore a physical body...just like it takes a big ole' God to restore and heal a defeated spirit. 

What Makes a mommy a mommy?

Similar pictures with very different outcomes...

If I've heard it once this week, I've heard it a million times, "this is your first REAL mothers day". I know people don't have ill intentions but it feels like a knife is being stabbed straight in my gut. What makes picture #2 different than picture #1? What makes a mom a mom?You see all the memes about spit up and poo and staying up all night, but is that all that a mom is? I don't think so. I don't feel any more of a mom in picture two than in picture one.. Both were taken 2 days after they were born, both were being supported by breathing machines, both were premature, both had a lot of obstacles to overcome, both are being cradled by their mommy....I don't think having a living breathing child makes me any more of a mother than i have been for last 3 years. Yes, now i have "mommy stories" but the love in my heart is no different for Sadie than it is for Berkley. I don't feel like i am more of a mommy this year but in some ways I guess that they are right. Maybe not my first "real" mothers day but this mothers day will be different, very different. This mothers day isn't going to be a day of dread, a day of sitting at a cemetery alone, a day of being looked over as a mother because I don't have a living breathing child....No, this mothers day will be completely different.  Yes, I will go to the cemetery and see Berk but I have held a negative connotation with Mothers Day for the last 3 years...but this year, this year I am actually embracing it. I am going to embrace the different. The different may come with sad tears, thankful tears or no tears..but I am ready for it. I am ready to embrace my first "different mothers day" with my family.....I never thought i would be able to say that.

It's crazy how much a year has made as far as healing. I think a lot of my healing has come through being Sadie's mom. I see things in her that i know her big sister would have done the same and I have seen so many signs that Berk is watching over us. I love seeing pictures of them side by side..they look so much alike! I love seeing Sadie interacting with kids that would be Berk's age. A few weeks ago my friend and I were joking around about how her child acts like she is mine. She is a precious little girl, full of spunk & personality. She is about two weeks younger than Berkley would be. I think God placed this sweet friend back in my life to show me glimpses of what my girl would be like. I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that she shares all her stories with me. I know in these past few years of healing, God has allowed me to see Berk through different avenues. I know it has all been laid out in His perfect timing!

So whats the difference in these two pictures? Both are full of fear, I can tell you that but between picture one and picture two, is so much more. I have grown in my faith, I have learned the meaning of life, I have felt the presence of God, I have been up close and personal with depression, I have found myself on my knees more often than not, pleading for God to send me my child back...it has been pretty ugly at times, BUT GOD. 

It hasn't been an easy road, its been a heck of a climb, but the view....

Healing is only in His Name, Healing is only in HIS timing!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all women of all ages! Women with children, with children who have passed away, with grown children, young children, adopted children, or just the idea of children in their hearts!