Party of 5

Simpson, party of 5. You won’t hear that about us at a restaurant. You won’t see extra mouths to feed or bottoms to seat. You won’t hear a teacher say “oh no another Simpson sibling.” You won’t see us with a booster and two car seats in our third row SUV or see us run between soccer games on a Saturday. You will only see 3 of us, but we’re a party of 5. We carry two more, not in our arms but in our hearts. Not by the hand, but constantly on our minds. 

We are a party of 5. 

We will always be a party of 5. 

*Henry has a temporary marker until his headstone is complete. *

A Turtle? Seriously.

I’ve been here before so one might assume I know what I’m doing with this whole grief thing...but I didn’t really do it last time. Fresh grief, that is. I did go through the grief process, but it was 2 years after Berk died. When we lost Berk, I was sure that everything would be fine. I marched on, numbing my pain with projects and working overtime. I forced smiles and even “faith” at times. I didn’t allow myself time to grieve immediately. So that being said, this is kinda new. I know how NOT to handle loss so I’m trying to deal with my most recent loss now, while it is fresh. And I’m super annoyed. In fact that’s the word I used to describe it to my therapist today. You see today I showered, put on makeup and a cute outfit that I named my “not just a grieving mother” outfit with intentions of being a bit stronger than I was yesterday. Yesterday was down right awful. I had a plan for some organizing and grocery shopping but as soon as I had a full buggy at the bargain hunt I saw a pregnant lady loading diapers in a buggy and I found myself leaving in tears. No purchases, full buggy on the diaper aisle. I drove to Walmart hoping to calm down and buy groceries, nope. Drove to the cemetery thinking I just needed to be with my babies, nope. I drove in circles for an hour...I was unable to calm down and face anything. I decided that today was going to be more than that so I put on my outfit ready to face the day. I had some errands before my appointment and I was also able to have lunch with my David so all was going to be okay...Until I saw a baby in Academy. See I was in Academy because in an effort to reclaim myself and my body I need new tennis shoes...

First is was the football gear, football gear for a boy I will not get to raise. Then it was the smell. Something reminded me of the hospital. And then I saw a baby boy...goodbye sanity and tennis shoes. I immediately left. This time, able to keep in my tears, I walked over to Bealls. I’ve only been in this store a few times and at this point I was just trying to distract myself until the all important therapy session where I would announce myself as “not just a grieving mother”. In Bealls I found a metal fragrance turtle. I have zero idea why I even picked this doodad up but I did....and then I lost control of my tears. I literally walked around this store crying and holding a metal turtle...y’all this went on for a good 20 minutes. A TURTLE. 1. I don’t do doodad trinkets so I would never pick this up. 2. The fragrance stunk. But here I was, once again, crying in a store. I put down the turtle and left this time in pursuit of coffee. Because drinking coffee keeps me breathing....end errand saga.

Later..in therapy, after I announced myself as “not just a grieving mother”, I realized that the cute dress I was wearing, though you wouldn’t know it, was actually a maternity dress. Yup. Torn between grief and moving forward, you’ll find me.

>Emoji with hand raised< 

But tonight I can’t stop thinking about the damn turtle, yes I cussed. In the moment it seemed stupid and had this not been laid on my heart, it probably would still but maybe the turtle is a symbol of progress. >Insert all turtle analogies here< 
Turtles move slow...really slow but they do move. And yes I just lost my son 2 weeks ago so I don't expect myself to move mountains but the ups and downs are so dang annoying. I can deal with good and i can deal with bad..but creeping up grief with uncontrolled tears, nerp...can't do it. But here I am, blogging about how maybe this gold metal fragrance turtle was speaking to me. Here I am surviving another day with little messages from Jesus...via a gold fragrance turtle. So what my “not just a grieving mother” outfit still dawned a maternity dress? I got up and wore more than gym shorts...progress is progress, no matter the pace. So what I cried in Bealls? I made it through one store without crying and that’s progress. I am going to try and remember that even on the awful can’t function days, getting up is progress and on the days where you feel like you can conquer the world, emotional moments will come ...but that’s still progress too. Learning that its completely okay to be sad one minute and find happiness the next, is progress. 
Right? Right. 

Damn turtle...

I’m holding on to Faith, but barely breathing

This is not a pretty post. There is no uplifting ending where my faith has gotten me through the trenches....nope, won’t find that here, not yet anyway. 

I’ve had 3 babies in less than 6 years. I have sacrificed my body and heart for my babies. I have prayed over all 3 babies in NICU yet I only hold one at home. I have given all 3 over to God in hopes that His will would look something like mine...yet here I am again. Grieving. Barely breathing. With a heavy heart and empty arms. Once again I am trying to come to terms with why I can’t carry a baby full term. Once again I am spending my days and nights reminding myself that Gods plan isn’t ours. That His plan is better than mine. That His plan will reveal in time and until them I have to rely on my faith. 

It’s been a week now since we held our Henry. It’s been a week since we rocked him into Jesus arms. So right now, I am not in the best of places. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m lonely. My insides feel empty. I am mad at myself. I am mad at the situation. My mind doesn’t stop thinking about the whys and what ifs. I know that eventually I will get in a better place but now, now I’m not there. The real Lauren wants answers. The real Lauren wants to have a house full of babies and is bitter that she can’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll be okay. I know that God will carry me...He did it before and I know He is right now. I don’t doubt His goodness or His plan...I just don’t understand it yet. I know, I don’t have to understand to have faith so you have to understand that this is not a lack of faith. It’s a case of my desires not matching His will.

While I was on bed rest I said these words...

“It’s not that I don’t have the faith that God can keep me pregnant and protect my Henry. It’s that I don’t know that He will.” That is what I was most scared of, that my desires would not match His will. And here I am, and they don’t. I prayed they would because I was most scared of the darkness of grief. I barely survived it with Berkley and it took me years to get back to myself...I didn’t want to walk that dark road again. But here I am...barely breathing and dragging my feet.

I stink at not being okay and the fact that I have no inspiration at the end of this post is so not like me, but this grief stuff, this mucky darkness...it’s got a hold of me and I have zero inspirational “God will carry me” super spiritual things to say. I do know eventually I will see the good and His plan will make more sense but right now, right now I’m barely breathing. 

Jesus, Yall!

This week is crappy. It always is. Some days are good and some days are bad but most days I’m just in a fog. It’s like the world is happening around me and I have ear buds in....the squishy kind you use in a factory. I can hear noises, but no words really, just buzzing noises. It’s a similar silence to the silence that struck when Berks machines stopped beeping. Even though all the other babies were still hooked up with beeping machines...when your child’s machine stops, your life stops. Your hearing fades...nothing feels real. It’s a deafening silence. One that you can recall so easily, way too easily...especially on the foggy days. 

Today has been one of those foggy days and while my emotions have gotten the best of me in so many ways, God did reveal to me this peace. While I experienced this deafening silence, Berk experienced Jesus. And while I have foggy days, Berk is with Jesus. Jesus, y’all! 

What more can you want for your child than Jesus? 

Happy Meeting Jesus Day, Berkley Lane! Mama loves you! 

Conviction Time

Please excuse my morning video...Yall. it was bad. God convicted me. The only way I wouldn't attempt an argument with God was if I posted it without re-watching it. >insert face palm emoji<

I love love love getting to know people. As terrible as I am at forming relationships, I’m not so good at letting people get to know me or love me, learning about other people is my absolute favorite. What makes them tick. What causes their reactions to be so coarse or their words to be so sharp. I love seeing peoples “why”. The problem I have, and I think a lot of us have, is that I lose a lot of opportunity to learn the why by focusing so much attention on the result of the why. Does that make sense? Let me explain what I mean.  

 I may completely ignore someone because of how they are expressing themselves. Whether they are expressing themselves through their clothes, hair, actions, words or body language, I have a tendency to lose an opportunity to walk life with that person by judging them…without knowing the why behind it. And y’all that is just plain ugly. Why is it so hard to love people where they are?

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.”

John 15:12  

Jesus is like, look guys. I love you all past your mess so try and love others like I loved you. That is super hard, right? I have been praying for months now about seeing people past themselves, just to see peoples heart. I want to see their why before I react to them but Lord help my mouth because I am so quick to pop off whatever enters my mind and that isn’t pleasing to God. In Chapter 3, James ((brother to Jesus)) tells us that a salt spring cannot produce fresh water.

^"9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹ Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."

James says something huge here that really caught my attention “in Gods likeness”. I have been told, read the verse a thousand times, and heard many sermons from Genesis 1:27....

^"27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."

Side Note: I love when something is repeated in the New Testament. >Insert Praise Hands<.

We all know it by heart but hearing it out of the mouth of James spoke deep to me this morning. News Flash y’all…God created us all in HIS likeness. He said it twice. Its kinda like when your mama has to ask you to do something more than once...we all know what happens next. 

We are all doing our best in messy lives with ever changing circumstances. We all want acceptance and love from others so why do we make it so hard for others to receive it? We take one bad action, on difference in opinion, one bad day, and throw people in the returns bin. I am so guilty of letting my mind think “you are a defect, go back to where you came from” when someone crosses me wrong. What kind of world would we live in if we only saw the why in people? If we looked past the person to see their heart we would be broken over the circumstances that led them to where they are. 

My favorite thing about reading is getting to know the author. I read very little fiction, but if I do, I want to know about the author. What made this author choose this topic? Was it happenstance? Was it just creative thinking or did they have a circumstance or trial that they modeled their book after? Were the characters based on people in their lives or people they just dreamed up? That must be why I am drawn to nonfiction. I love to read books about how circumstance or challenges changed a person. Would we love this person just as much during the journey? Would we lovingly support them in the midst of their ugly mess and extend them grace? Sadly i think no. I think we love reading about the ending but fail to remember all the not so pretty moments during the journey. 

I know that during some of my darkest days I said some very insensitive things because of my circumstances. When we are in our darkest, no matter our intention, we don't always act in a Jesus like fashion. I am sure that at some point, someone has thrown me in to the defective bin and asked for me to be returned.

This isn’t Target y’all, we can’t just throw people away. As Moses, maybe Moses, says in Genesis and as James so eloquently confirms…we are all made in Gods likeness, HIS IMAGE.

I don’t know about you but I am so thankful that Jesus knows my why. If it weren’t for His infinite Grace we would all be in that return bin with a Red slash on us “Mark down, sold as is” and I hate to think that I would ever judge someone so harshly. Pray with me to have eyes that see past all the mess and extend grace like Jesus. 

ask the lonely..

"Inside is where the heart grows
Picking up the pieces
Something more to believe in" Journey

Im about to say something that may blow a few minds...

Loneliness is something I've always struggled with. Woah--I know, how can loud and obnoxious Lauren struggle with loneliness? Well it took me a while to give a name to this awful feeling and even longer to figure out the why. And let's be honest, I spend just as much energy covering up the loneliness as I do trying to make the physical ache of loneliness go away so I didn't do a whole lot of soul searching when it came to this topic. Because in my mind, lonely people are sad people...and I'm not sad, I'm truly not sad. I have inner and outer joy, there's no doubt about that, so how could I be lonely? And worse, cue one of my biggest fears, how can I open up and show a little vulnerability on a subject that could possibly make people question my authenticity? 

And let me also say that this started well before losing Berkley. Loss can make you feel all kind of emotions in a whole new way. It can escalate the mildest of hurts very quickly. But no, this loneliness isn't associated with grief. This loneliness is self inflicted and directly associated with fear. 

I've been reading "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurts...she is my jam, let me just tell you. She speaks Lauren, fluently. And no worries, I told my therapist about Lysa-she can use all the help she can get deciphering Lauren. I say that to say that I picked up the book because of my love for her, not because I've ever felt left out or uninvited...not that I would admit anyway. She takes rejection to a level I've never associated with rejection. She says this: "rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what's been said to me.." And in this statement, "Lauren's loneliness--but not sad"-has a reason. Yes I had to give it a full name. Hello my name is Lauren and I am a label maker...

The fear of rejection is what keeps me from allowing relationships to blossom or even begin, this I knew. This I've tracked back--thank you therapy. I have example after of example of why I fear getting too close to people but that doesn't change that I have "people". I have people, wonderful fabulous Lauren lovers that feed my soul with energy and remind me of Gods love for me on a regular so loneliness just sounds ridiculous.

Most people who know me, know that I am such a sore loser. I am competitive to a fault...so I choose not to participate. If I lose, at anything...there is a 99% chance that I am going to show my tail, possibly cry, get a rash across my chest, pull my hair up, and have to apologize later for my behavior. I'm serious. I will also probably spend the following days analyzing why someone would want to hang out with this psychopath who just threw her club during mini golf...and then, I'll push away. That fear of someone not wanting to spend time me with, not that I blame them, has caused me to learn to adapt to loneliness. The same concept that led me to walk away from sports causes me to keep my distance, "sit this one out" and causes my heart to stay lonely in fear of losing someone or something dear to me. Turns out, I've known all along why I have a loneliness ache. Also-as a Southern Baptist >Jesus lover<who rarely misses a Sunday, I know that my hope and heart should rest in God and not in others approval or even my own. So why, if I know all these things, if I have all the tools, have I allowed myself to have this achy feeling and allow this scare tactic emotion to keep me separated from others...even God? What keeps me there? What keeps me from pursuing things I enjoy? Is others judgement or my own judgment? I'm going to venture out and say it's #2...and just like a #2, it's stinky and smelly. It's a judgment fueled by negative self talk and uninvited insecurities that keep me from relationships, career goals, and being who God intended me to be. So in turn I self inflict loneliness because the fear of judgement is far more painful than the fear of loneliness. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm rambling... So when Lysa said "what's been said to me"....clearly I heard, what "I've said to me"

I am slowly learning ways to reject the fear but why is it, with all these tools, I still have to fight this tendency to go into my lonely place? 

My friend Lysa, sweet Lysa who doesn't know me, said something that has resonated with me for the past 24 hours--"Inspiration and Information without personal application will NEVER amount to transformation." 

If we don't put into practice what we know, it's just useless knowledge. It's not anymore beneficial than negative self talk...it's all just words scattered in our minds. What if we took all the tools we have and actually put them into practice, in our daily lives?? I do it in some aspects of my life, so why not when it comes to some of my biggest fears? 

I have challenged myself to go beyond fear and beyond just talking about it. My goal is to daily put in to practice positive self talk and to not allow fear to control my thoughts, decisions, and ultimately outcomes in my life. I want to push lonely in to a corner for a time out, forever. In order to do that I have got to meditate on scripture and stay focused. I am sure the devil will do all he can to get in the way so I have put a few verses down that I am going to be meditating on over the next weeks. It's time to accept that I'm valuable, that I matter, and that no ones opinion, not even my own, can take away from who God made me to be. I don't have to choose to be lonely anymore...it's wasted pain. 

Praise God for revelations from writers who follow His commands for their lives! 

And coffee...also praise God for that. Never leave that out of your daily prayers, guys. 

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

- 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

"So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

- Hebrews 13:6 KJV

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

- Genesis 1:27 KJV

Two Years, One stairwell

The stairwell leading to the 3rd floor is a stairwell I, we, are all to familiar with. For 8 weeks we walked those stairs to the NICU. Most days I walked those stairs with a heavy heart. Every morning, every night, and most lunch breaks I walked those steps...the same daunting steps with the same "too clean" hospital smell. Tonight we payed a visit to the NICU nurses that so lovingly took care of our girl. I am not going to lie, I was a little nervous about how I would handle walking back in those doors. We had an awesome visit with some amazing women! I loved getting to see their faces when they saw not so little "Frass". The NICU is temporarily on the 5th floor but we were going back down to see my nephew. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Baby Will is HERE and perfect! So we ended up on the 3rd floor before we headed home.

When we left we took the stairs and let me just tell you, I received such a blessing in that daunting stairwell.

Two years ago I couldn't imagine taking her home, much less her growing up and blossoming into the well adjusted little girl that she has. 

Tonight I watched her walk down the "big steps" with her daddy. It did this mamas heart so good to see her take the "big steps" and have such joy in her heart. It really changed my perspective on that daunting stairwell. As much as I hated walking those steps, they were walked probably close to 300 times between the two of us, they were the steps we had to walk. They weren't fun but those steps were only a path for us to walk for a short period. Those steps were access to our girl whenever we wanted to see her. Those steps caught a heck of a lot of tears, lots and lots of tears..but those steps also heard joyous phone calls to family and friends when Sadie had a great day. Sometimes "big steps" are the hardest steps to take. They are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and quite frankly...scary as hell. I have learned the importance of steps, big and baby, and am slowly learning that steps are only a temporary path to something new and beautiful. My prayer is that I start taking the time to see the beauty in the "big step". My prayer is that I rest my "big step" doubts in God and not in fear. He is the only one who can walk those temporary "big steps" with us and provide us the true comfort and peace we need. 

Praise God for those steps and for blessing me to be a mama to this little spit fire!