Two Years, One stairwell

The stairwell leading to the 3rd floor is a stairwell I, we, are all to familiar with. For 8 weeks we walked those stairs to the NICU. Most days I walked those stairs with a heavy heart. Every morning, every night, and most lunch breaks I walked those steps...the same daunting steps with the same "too clean" hospital smell. Tonight we payed a visit to the NICU nurses that so lovingly took care of our girl. I am not going to lie, I was a little nervous about how I would handle walking back in those doors. We had an awesome visit with some amazing women! I loved getting to see their faces when they saw not so little "Frass". The NICU is temporarily on the 5th floor but we were going back down to see my nephew. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Baby Will is HERE and perfect! So we ended up on the 3rd floor before we headed home.

When we left we took the stairs and let me just tell you, I received such a blessing in that daunting stairwell.

Two years ago I couldn't imagine taking her home, much less her growing up and blossoming into the well adjusted little girl that she has. 

Tonight I watched her walk down the "big steps" with her daddy. It did this mamas heart so good to see her take the "big steps" and have such joy in her heart. It really changed my perspective on that daunting stairwell. As much as I hated walking those steps, they were walked probably close to 300 times between the two of us, they were the steps we had to walk. They weren't fun but those steps were only a path for us to walk for a short period. Those steps were access to our girl whenever we wanted to see her. Those steps caught a heck of a lot of tears, lots and lots of tears..but those steps also heard joyous phone calls to family and friends when Sadie had a great day. Sometimes "big steps" are the hardest steps to take. They are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and quite frankly...scary as hell. I have learned the importance of steps, big and baby, and am slowly learning that steps are only a temporary path to something new and beautiful. My prayer is that I start taking the time to see the beauty in the "big step". My prayer is that I rest my "big step" doubts in God and not in fear. He is the only one who can walk those temporary "big steps" with us and provide us the true comfort and peace we need. 

Praise God for those steps and for blessing me to be a mama to this little spit fire! 

Selfish Soul Sucking Seasons

I am currently in a season of life that is sucking my soul dry. A selfish dramatic soul sucking, but a soul sucking none the less. A season that we will name "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season. Now I know it shouldn't be about the space, I know that home is where your heart is, I know people have much much less...but I'm also a recovering perfectionist, a gluten for an organization project, and a slight control freak. And praise God for His abundant Grace because I am have been one pill of a person to live with. Since the house sold, and David had moved out, and we got divorced and undivorced <insert laughter here>, we are living in a one bedroom apartment. It's tiny. We have stuff at my in laws, my parents, a storage until...my "stuff" is literally scattered all over Floyd County. <FacePalmEmoji>. So needless to say I just don't feel settled. When I'm home I want to make lists on lists of where everything is so that I feel in control of something. And even then if my handwriting gets messy, I start over. And sometimes i have been known to just buy a new notebook all together. I want to clean out the closet everyday because there is so much stuff it's overflowing. I can just about see every room from any place in the apartment and everything could use some organizing. Ohhhhh and tiny diva toddler Sadie...she lives here too. <insert picture of pink crap everywhere>. I'm a bit overwhelmed and not exactly dealing with this so well. Thankfully, David frequently gets me back on track with what really matters. He reminds me that I sponser a child who sleeps on dirt floors and that we're together and everything else is just stuff...and while he is absolutely right, it doesn't make it any easier to control the massive unease and anxiety I get when I walk in the door. Most days I just anxiously await bed time so I can turn off the lights and pretend everything is in it's place. I know I'm whining but it's real life for me right now and it's very uncomfortable....bear with me, I'm reluctantly trying to embrace this season. 

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. I've always believed that every season isn't forever and a lesson is learned in each one. I think this is probably a season of patience and growth...and I know if I allow God to work in this season His glory will shine. 

See...there's this kid who lives next to us that has really grown attached to David. He is 8ish and lives with his mom and his new baby sister. I recently met his mom and she immediately tells me that she has a similar journey to our Berkley journey. I broke down and told her our story and we cried together, bonding over our loss. Her story is more fresh than mine and her current situation is very different that mine, but we are both mamas. Both mamas who experienced a loss and both mamas with rainbow babies. So as Connie would say " now Lauren, I can't help but think that God put you in that apartment to meet her"....and she is right. She needs love, friends and support. She doesn't have any friends who've experienced loss like that. I don't know if she has any religious affiliations or believes in God...all I know is that I need to help walk with her through this journey. So I'm prayerfully trying to allow myself to breathe in these moments. I'm prayerfully trying to relax and enjoy the simplicity of our tiny home. I'm also prayerfully trying to remember that this season won't last forever. Tonight I ran across one of my notebooks, that I was throwing away because my handwriting was ugly, and found this. This I wrote during David and I's separation. This I wrote at one of my lowest points. This i wrote during a season of growth...and that season has past. I am not sharing it for sympathy, brace yourself it's raw, but just to further point out that as long as one season may be, as hopeless as it may seem, It can be beautiful if we allow Him to work in those lulls, in the down seasons. 

Written Feb 24th 2017.

"Can't sleep. I hate myself. I don't know how to be a good mom to Sadie. I am failing at everything I touch. I feel like I destroyed my marriage and I'm allowing my child to be impacted by those decisions. I am a horrible person. Nothing about me Is lovable. I almost wish I couldn't feel love so i wouldn't ache for it when I know I don't deserve it. I don't have the ability to decipher my head and my heart anymore. I'm praying, I'm seeking, I'm doing my best, but I'm failing. And I know I have to let go of some pride, I know I have to allow people to love me. Living in this shell and box has caught up with me and I've never felt so alone in all my life. I've lost myself..  "

It was a crappy season, undoubtedly one of my worst, but a season that is now over and a beautiful reclaimed marriage has come out of it. Praise God for those growth seasons....because if in those lull seasons, in those valleys, we learn who we can lean on, beautiful things can happen. 

I am so thankful I found this notebook tonight...I am going to keep reminding myself during this  "uncomfortable in my home because it's so tiny that I am suffocating and my stuff is everywhere and I don't feel settled" season, that this too shall pass. 

5 years

It feels like yesterday...

We had been through what we thought was the worst of the worst. We felt confident that we could finally let the world know that we were expecting a baby! It was going to be the miracle amongst our pain....all would be okay. Only 12ish weeks later, we said hello and goodbye within 72 hours. 

I can't believe it's been 5 years. 

I've written before about how I feel like Berkley had so much purpose while I carried her and I still hold on to that truth. 

What a blessing it is to have carried her, what a blessing it is to have delivered her, what a blessing it is to have held her, and what a blessing it is to see glimpses of her. 

Divorced

I am the “smiler”…I always have been. No matter how difficult life has ever been, I have always tried to smile. Now I don’t think that is always bad. Knowing that God is in control and smiling because you know that is a sign of faith in the Almighty, but what I have come to know as bad, is being completely fake with people and not letting your brokenness show. I recently learned this the hard way….

I got divorced. Well not all the way but signed papers, sold a house, separate living, waiting on a court date, divorced. Separate money, divided assets, planned future holidays, shared weekends with our child, divorced. With the exception of our names being printed in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record, we were divorced. I was devastated. Devastated for Sadie, devastated for my family, devastated for me…but I don’t know that in the initial moments I was focused on the right things, the God things. Because as I said, I am the “smiler”. I couldn’t let others see me fail.

I remember when our marriage started to crumble. It was so overwhelming that we both just ignored the signs. We numbed out to what was happening, didn’t take any action and our marriage slipped right between our fingertips. Our affection was gone, our sympathy and compassion for each other had completely left and we were just two kids who grew up together and grew apart. We had families that adored each other, we were pretty perfect from the outside.

I remember the day he said he thought we needed to separate…it was July, during VBS. I was shocked. I remember calling my sister and boohooing…what would I do? We have a child now, I love Jesus…I couldn’t possibly get divorced. My family doesn’t do divorce. Oh great, the first one with tattoos and the first one to get divorced...#winnersinner of the Padgett black sheep award goes to me.

Looking back on all my thoughts, how selfish was I to only consider myself? How selfish of me to only be concerned with how I would be viewed by other people. How selfish of me to assume the worst about David and not consider how hard it was for him to say those words…looking back I was trying to protect some “image”, some “plastic life” that isn’t realistic and not Christ like at all. We did start therapy and that was very encouraging for me. I saw David in real honesty for the first time in a long time but sadly we only made it a few more months before David moved out.

It was October…just starting to get chilly. I was an absolute basket case. I tried to cling to God but I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. As much as we had been through as a couple, why now? I tried to be okay…but I was a wreck. I said things like “all things come together for good” and “God is with me and I will be okay”….but I wasn’t. I was a total mess. I was smiling, making Lauren the “Christian” look like she was trusting…but the truth is I was falling further and further away from God. Maintaining the smile wasn’t drawing me closer to God, it wasn’t showing that HE was getting me through, I was showing nothing of the sort. I was showing that Lauren could put on a fake smile while her insides burned, that Lauren could laugh and make sarcastic jokes just to survive….but by no means would anyone know that I was a total wreck. Only those who truly know me could see through the smile. It was ugly, some days worse than others. The only motivation I had was Sadie but some days that wasn’t enough. Some days I could barely function.

January 2^nd, David came to the house with divorce papers…this is where we were. We had survived the holidays with Sadie. Our families were very understanding and loving toward us but now it was back to reality…we were getting divorced. We flipped through question after question with no disagreements. We didn’t not get along, we didn’t argue…we just made decisions. It reminded me of the time we were at the funeral home preparing for Berkley’s service…it was just business. This had to be handled so we got through it. We eventually hired an attorney and it was off to the races…we met there frequently to discuss and finalize how we would raise Sadie, because let’s be honest, that is all that mattered. Most days I sobbed uncontrollably after I put Sadie to bed. Days passed by like molasses. I couldn’t wait until Sadie was asleep because I was finally free to breathe. Free to grieve in the darkness of my own home where no one would see me. It was a grieving process…I had lost someone so dear to me and I was going through the same motions I did when we lost Berkley, only he was still alive. I was slowly rotting from the inside out but I didn’t want anyone to really know where I was. I yelled at God, pleaded with David, pleaded with God, I didn’t understand, I wanted to desperately to have my marriage back. I tried to grasp on to things to fill me up but I was empty. The man I had loved for most of my life was gone. Our marriage was over. There was nothing left of us but words printed on pages in official fonts with a lot of places to sign….and then that day came. We signed. Tears dropped on each page as I signed my name. I was divorced. In 30 days he would go to court and then our names would be in black and white in Monday’s edition of the Roman Record…how dreadful.

It was around this time I started to show real emotion. I don’t know why…maybe because it was done, maybe I didn’t feel like it was up in the air anymore or maybe it was because I could no longer hide from what was going on. For the last 3 years I have worked so hard on authenticity. I have worked on showing the real authentic Lauren and through this process of pain I lost that and I hated myself for it. My writing stopped, I stopped reading, I stopped blogging, no more bible study, no more thankful prayers…I kept pushing all my feelings down because no one could know how I had failed at marriage. I was a disgrace, or that’s how I felt anyway. Shutting people out due to shame and regret had become the only way i knew to deal with the pain. 

As a trained up Jesus lover, one would assume i would cling to verses like... 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

I knew all the right encouraging words that i would say to someone else but i had no ability to apply them to my life. That is what happens when life drags you down...you get so caught up in your pain and your darkness that you can't see the light that you could show to someone else.

I found an old book I had read years ago while grieving Berkley and started trying to find my “me” again. The book is called “Reclaiming Your Heart”, a book about reclaiming a heart for Christ amidst life’s unthinkable tragedies. I found a quote by the author, Denise Hildreth Jones and it resonated with me because I was in a storm, one of the toughest I'd ever faced. 

“Some things just couldn't be protected from storms. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once old thing were broken off, amazingly beautiful thing could grow in their place.” 
― Denise Hildreth Jones

I say all this to say being real and transparent is the only way I started to heal. Owning where I was in my life and accepting that I didn't have to fit a plastic mold helped me find my place in the world again, with or without David. Shutting down my heart was no way to heal. 

Thankfully and prayerfully, David and I are back together. It was within those 30 days that he came to me broken and we started working on us again. We are a walking testimony of Christ's love for us. Every day holds a different challenge but through our communication, seeing each other’s perspective and transparency with each other we are doing really well. Sadie has her parents again. We have each other again. And more importantly we have God as the center, knowing we would have never made it through our mess of a life without His love and guidance. David and I fought his illness and near death experience, our daughter’s death, chronic illness, depression and a whole other list of pains together but we didn't face them together and we didn't face them with God in the center...that was the downfall of our marriage. 

A song came on the radio this morning and inspired me to share this closed up most recent, personal, chapter of my life so I'll end with some lyrics to this amazing song...

“But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
'Cause You see the real me

And You love me just as I am

Wonderful, beautiful is what You see
When You look at me”

-Natalie Grant

My sweet encouraging husband--just a snap shot

Exodus 3:14 14 "And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am"

My sweet David reminded me of this verse yesterday. It was one of those self loathing, pitiful Lauren, cried all day kind of Sundays. I spend most of the afternoon in tears over what "I am" or "am not". David reminded me of just how much power these two words carry. He said "there is a reason God said 'I AM'." And he is so right. Changing how we think can impact our mood so much more than we realize. If we claim it, we can sometimes end up becoming it...that's a dangerous slope of negative self talk that will spiral you into a depression real quick. 

He asked me to list 5 things I'm grateful for and to say it in sentence form...

"I am grateful for______, because_____".

After reluctantly doing this activity I instantly started feeling better. (I was also very grateful that we were having this moment)

I am sooo thankful he was so supportive, loving and understanding yesterday because I was a hot mess for sure! His words of encouragement and biblical truth helped me so much in my yucky day. 

I AM thankful for you, David Simpson!

And for those of you who don't know that side of him, don't lose hope the idiot David still exists....He also made me stand up and pose like Wonder Woman for a whole minute in an attempt to brighten my smile...😂😂😂

My most recent drought...

Have you ever felt like you were in a drought..like this season of your life had no meaning, no purpose, it was just merely a time of production and survival? That is how the last 6 months have felt to me. Between a toddler, a full time job, keeping up the house, laundry, a dog, feeding said toddler and dog, and a hand full of personal struggles...I have felt dried up. The ability to see any purpose in anything has seemed nearly impossible. I have been in a rut I guess. In all that I've also felt extremely pulled to get back to blogging but what would I possibly blog about? Some of my personal struggles I am not so ready to talk about, mommy-hood is just what it is...mommy-hood, nothing new to say there and my spiritual walk is a little like someone who's had too much wine. #moscatocleanup, first pew on the left. I've struggled with talking to God, hearing Him clearly, reading, praying...the whole bit has wandered out of my daily life. I don't know how I allowed myself to get here, but I have. Today in our service I took some time during the offertory to pray, just pray for wisdom, for guidance, a sign that I'm heading in the direction He would have me to. When I got home today I had received a message from my dear friend who heads up Footprints on the Heart, the local organization that I support and speak of often.
I feel like God said...you asked-here.
She said that a piece of my wedding gown had been used to make an infant burial gown and was gifted today to a sweet mother who was having to lay her still born daughter to rest. It brought me to my knees. This poor family, right at Christmas, laying their child to rest. Oh how my heart aches for this dear family. The pain of burying your child a pain like no other. I wish I could wrap her up in my arms and just let her know that she is dearly loved and supported, that Jesus is cradling her sweet baby. I know that pain all too well and my heart wants to reach her heart and just hold it for a while because it's going to be hard for her to breathe and her heart may forget to beat from time to time...bless her.
Our pastor spoke about Joseph and his crucial role in Christ's story of birth and His earthly life today. It is amazing how overlooked he is. He talked about loving beyond our rights. Loving deeply and trusting that God was good and His word would guide us. When I got my note today it brought me back to Joseph. It brought me back to them welcoming a new baby boy, The King. It brought me back to their journey as parents. It brought me back to Gods love for us that He would GIVE His son...for us. Can you imagine handing over your child to die? No, no parent can...but God. He can because He did. 
It also gave me great pause for Mary. A new mommy, who's baby was born....only to die a cruel unimaginable death. One of my favorite scriptures from Luke is 2:19
"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."
Because that's what us moms do....we treasure every single second and moment with our little one and we keep them as close to us as we can. To have those future moments robbed is a hard way to suffer and for this mommy today, she will slowly begin to miss the things that she never experienced. She will remember every anniversary. She will remember when her baby would have been 10 months old and would have probably been starting to pull up and wobble. She may celebrate their birthdays, she will never go a day without remembering what could've been. She will "ponder them in her heart", just like Mary did. 
I ask my blog family, my facebook family, and all the people this may reach, to pray for this family over the next few weeks and months to come. I don't know them personally but I know they are hurting and I know that I serve a God who commands us to love one another.


I was shopping  just yesterday and my sweet girl got to stand and twirl on the same pedestal where I was fitted for my wedding gown. When I stood on that pedestal 7 years ago, I had no idea that I would lose my first daughter after two days, I had no idea that I would have another "close call" with my second daughter and I had no idea that the very gown would be used to help parents bury their tiny babies. God works in mysterious ways...
Below is a picture collage I would like to share.
My dress on my wedding day
My precious, Jesus held, first daughter, Berkley.
My sweet Sadie on the day she was born.
My sweet Sadie yesterday twirling where I first tried on my gown.
And finally a picture of the infant burial gown that was made from my wedding gown.

PS: it's raining...

 

I'm no longer a slave..but a Prisoner for the Lord.

Ephesians 4:1-2

4 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one anotherin love.

Have you ever felt like you were a prisoner to something or someone? Have you ever felt like you were held captive by something or someone to the point that you're suffocating?? I know at times I've felt a prisoner to my own thoughts. My mind is a big ole battlefield. It's a constant stream of schedules and thoughts..good and bad, happy and sad. My needs, others needs, my worries, their worries. Worry, negativity, anxiety...they run and run until I'm overwhelmed and suffocating within myself. I read this scripture tonight just on a whim and it hit me like a sledgehammer slap to the face. 

"As a PRISONER"...that's what it said. Prisoner. We are called to be a prisoner of the Lord. We are called to allow Him to be our overwhelming thought. We are called to let Him radiate, through us, His love. But we become prisoners to every other possible thing in this world. We allow social media to distort what "real life" is with happy family pictures in spotless kitchens. We allow someone's world, that seems so perfect, to be our goal. All of the sudden money, status and materialist riff raff become what we obsess over. We become prisoner to "keeping up with the Kardashians" instead of a prisoner of the Lord, honoring and focusing on the calling He gave us. 

We talked about worry and anxieties in Sunday School today. Reading out of Matthew 6...verse 34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.". I have probably read this verse 10, 000 times. It's a pretty common "encouraging" type verse that is written in every "cheer you up" note or card you'll receive. But here's the thing....If we would just allow ourselves to be a Prisoner for the Lord, we would have nothing to worry about. If we allow God to reveal our calling, we can become the person He created us to be. We can walk in a new light without being a prisoner to anything or anyone...only to the Most High.

Now the next part of the verse talks about walking humbly and gently. Now see...Gentle isn't my thing. I'm sarcastic, loud and can be a little overwhelming. I can be pretty blunt and honest in effort to get a laugh from someone. But in this verse I believe it is referring to how you use your gifts and how you are perceived. If I were a stand up comedian, which would make sense because I'm hilarious...pick up on that? Aside from my obvious sarcasm, that attitude would be an example of not being gentle or humble in the gifts He has blessed me with. Being humble in what we are blessed with and gentle with the hurting souls we are trying to reach...that's the point. Why would He bless us with such powerful gifts if we weren't able to use them with humility, admitting our own faults, and covering the hurting in grace and gentle love? That's the point. It's not to gloat or boast...because nothing in this world is truly ours, not even our gifts. 

Okay okay, my favorite part, READY?? .."be patient, bearing with one another in love". Can I get a Holla?? Stop it. Just stop. We all, every single one of us, have faults and flaws. We all sin differently yet we all put our pants on the same way. It's hard to be patient sometimes when someone you love may be going astray and its hard not to place judgement when someone sins so differently than you. But we are called to be a Prisioner of the Lord and to love them...as He loved us. Do we love one another or do we covet one another? Do we love on the hurting or do we shun them and judge their sins more harshly than our own? At what point to we give up and allow God to rein and rule in our lives? At what point do we give Him the keys and say "throw them where you will, Here I am".

Being a perfect prisoner of the Lord is ridiculously impossible..it will not and can not happen. Perfection isn't attainable and God doesn't expect it out of us. What He wants and truly desires is for us to fall on our face and allow Him to rule. He pursues us and only request that we return that pursuit and be a light for Him.