Chipped vs Changed

How many of us fear approaching God when our life looks something like my nails? 

Chipped, broken, unpolished, splotchy, messy and unrefined...

Oh, just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Life.is.hard.

Living in a fallen world is hard.

Going to God during the hard...is hard 

Looking down at my hands really reminded me of that today...not that I needed a reminder of life being hard, but sometimes I need a reminder that I can come to God just like this. 

Psalm 139 was touched on by our Pastor Sunday and I’ve read it quite a few times in the last 24 hours. I feel so drawn to this imagery. These few verses have been especially loud in my mind. 

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:7-12‬

Maybe it’s because when my mind and spirit look like my nails, I try to hide. 

Maybe it’s because when I am overwhelmed with frets and anxiety of life, I retreat into myself as if God Himself can’t see me. 

Truth is, He sees me.

Truth is, I can come to Him how I am but i will not leave like I came. 

Truth is, He accepts me at my worst and transforms me to my best.

Truth is, He is the only power that can take my dark broken spirit and transform it into light. 

He formed me.

He loves me. 

He sees me.

Amen.

Amen.

Less Sugar

So lots of my friends have a “word” for the new year and I love the concept! I have thought on this for a few weeks but yet to come up with one.

This morning I got up a little early to have some quiet time before the tiny me woke up. It’s the first day of a new decade and I wanted to sip some coffee and read a little of my new book...alone. 

It lasted 20 minutes.

😳Also, new realization as I’m typing, I’ll turn 40 in this decade. #maybeADD 🤷🏼‍♀️

After Sadie woke up, I started the coffee. I had decided that the perking could wake her up so I just enjoyed quiet with no coffee...all 20 minutes of it. I may have to re-read those chapters because Lauren with no caffeine is kinda all over the place. 

Anyway, as I was pouring my coffee I was given a word; or a phrase actually. One of my resolutions is to attempt to cut back SOME sugar. ((Notice I said “some” because all is stupid.)) So as I’m adding creamer I reminded myself, “less sugar Lauren” and there it was, the phrase...

*Less sugar*

•Less sugar coating, more honest conversations. 

•Less gritty sweet coatings, more smooth solid foundations. 

•Less sugar coated self help, more solid biblical truth. 

•Less selfish sweet worldly victories, more substantial Christ led eternal wins. 

The book I’m reading goes along with this phrase God has given me...and the majority of this book has kicked me in the teeth. “Less of me” is hard. I’m learning I’m even more self absorbed than I realized. I know...who knew. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

I am learning that I can “hustle” but I can’t hustle alone. LET HIM LEAD

I am learning that attempting to avoid pain is missing opportunity. God has used pain consistently to help in the process of becoming more like Jesus. I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE JESUS.

I am learning that happy isn’t holy. 

And Honestly, the reason I couldn’t come up with a word on my own is probably because I was trying to come up with some perfect word without asking God what the new year might bring. Honestly I was worried about what “word” would generate likes on FaceBook or follows on my blog. Truth is most of my thoughts get put on my blog and selfishly, I need it to look “put together”. That’s some honest truth, huh? Yuck, me. 😝

•Less me, more Him•

“We are INVITED to crucify our SELFISH plans and dreams for the better pursuit of what God has planned for us”—Sick of Me, Whitney Capps

So for 2020...less sugar. PS: I’m the sugar.

NICU Reunion

It was more difficult than expected to walk past the faces of the doctors and nurses that cared for my preemies on Sunday. Although extremely thankful for their care, some of them I hadn’t seen since leaving the NICU last year without our son, and looking into their eyes brought back so many memories that I sometimes beg my heart and mind to forget. The weekend had already been full of messy grief and honestly I didn’t want to face the day at all...but off to the reunion we went. And I am very grateful we did — Sadie got to see Santa, have snacks and make a craft! She loved it so much! 

The nurses and doctors of the Floyd NICU have been on a 7 year journey with us through the hardest times of our lives. So much joy and so much pain have been experienced in those years inside the walls of the hospital. So although I only walked one “graduate” through the doors of the reunion, I carried two in my heart that just graduated straight to Jesus...shew, all.the.tears. 

•2012: Berkley Lane - 24 weeks

•2015: Sadie Kathryn - 28 weeks

•2018: Henry Glenn - 25 weeks 

I didn’t get to see all my people but I did see a few of my favorites and snapped some pics! 

We love you, Floyd NICU! 

((And Santa of course))

Transparency

Have you ever felt like you were walking around “advertising” yourself? Have you ever felt like no one knew the real you but only what you wanted them to see? I hate that feeling, I’ve been there, but it is so easy to get sucked into that cycle. I saw these trucks yesterday side by side and I couldn’t help but see versions of myself. One truck fully exposed with its “baggage” showing and one boxed up and covered in advertising...

Gut check. How am I living? Truck 1 or Truck 2?

I have gone through many seasons in my life where I have been boxed up. I have boxes on boxes covered in “I’m fines” that I carried around alone. I have spent many seasons making sure that only the “good” was showing. I have tucked in some ugly Lauren moments trying to conceal things I didn’t want to be judged for....I mean look at the name of my blog if you don’t believe me. Ha. More often than not, I have also been trying to conceal these “ugly moments” from God. I’ve said prayers completely skipping over convictions. I’ve spoken untruths about myself to others and even to God. I’ve advertised myself as “fine” or even “great”. I’ve only allowed the pretty, boxed up, put together Lauren to show. 

How sad. 

How lonely. 

Back to the gut check, how am I living? 

I try really hard to be transparent and authentic but I sometimes still fall short. It’s so hard for me to not have it all together. And I often still feel the desire to please. Sometimes I still feel the longing to look like everyone else’s “fakebook” life. God has taught me many valuable lessons through my own transparency, as well as blessed me with friendships and prayer partners through following His call to share. But y’all...I still have to remind myself and be reminded about the importance of transparency and I am sure that is why God put these words on my heart. 

It’s hard to be vulnerable...

What if being vulnerable gives someone a prayer partner?

It’s hard to put my junk out there....

What if being open about your shortcomings give others motivation?

It’s hard to face the ugly parts of me...

What if talking openly about your sin, your struggle, aide someone to come to know the saving power of Christ? 

What if we lived exposed? 

What if we ripped off the ads of who we want people to think we are?

#transparency #livingexposed #reminders

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:2‬ ‭NIV

No Shame in my game!

Sitting at the Walmart at 8am getting my groceries loaded, in a robe and holding my coffee. I don’t even know the last time I washed my hair. I’m fairly certain that Sadie isn’t wearing socks and no ones teeth have been brushed today. As a recovering perfectionist, this is hard for me but quite honestly this has been an emotionally draining week and I just don’t have the energy for much else. Through the process, I am working on not shaming myself for my “less than” moments. I will always have less than moments and shaming myself is wasted energy. And who is really judging us ladies on these “goals” or un-achievable perfections, anyway?? Like who is “they”?? 

My list for the day...

No shame for doing grocery pick up and not helping her load them.

No shame for having dirty baseboards.

No shame for having a sink full of dishes.

No shame for piles of laundry.

No shame for not giving your child a bath every night.

No shame in having a bad “mom moment”.

No shame for dirty hair and dry shampoo.

No shame for rocking yesterdays eye make up.

No shame for letting your child stare at a screen for a minute so you can breathe.

No shame if we don’t do educational shows.

No shame If we don’t practice sight words at 4. 

No shame in not making it to the gym.

No shame if your kid isn’t coloring in the lines.

No shame in not being a perfect bible study girl. 

No shame in not being the perfect wife.

If I want to be the best wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, Christian, employee, etc....I simply do not have time to shame myself about what I just don’t have time or energy to accomplish. Things will never be perfect and that’s why I trust in a perfect God. 

God has entrusted me with a husband, child, home, job, and other responsibilities that He is completely capable of helping me accomplish and It is only through Him that I can handle all of this life. Love what He has entrusted you with as hard as you can and you’ll have no time to shame yourself. 

#noshameinmygame #Heisperfect 

#IamlessthanHeisnot #walkingshameless

#recoveringperfectionist

Flower Roots

Title of Devotion:

Flower Roots

Verses used:

Deuteronomy 31:6-8

Story/Devotion:

Have you ever been faced with a challenge? Have you ever been faced with a decision that seemed overwhelmingly scary? I know I have and not only that, I know that as I continue my walk with Jesus I will continue to face these type of challenges on a regular basis. I was recently at the beach with my daughter and as usual she was teaching me lessons on life without even knowing it. She is barely 4 and full of wise tidbits. She is learning letters and how to draw pictures so we had spent a while at the ocean drawing in the sand. As we walked away from a flower we had drawn, she said “wait mama I need to finish it”. At the bottom of the flower she drew what looked like a root. She said “mama that’s where it’s planted, that makes it grow and makes it beautiful”. All I could think was wow, so much wisdom. I have had so many challenges in my 34 years. From middle school sports, high school friendships, and relationships, all the way to my marriage, career path and children. Each has brought different choices and within each choice it was evident for me which decision was of God. I may have not always done the right thing, and in many cases I didn’t follow the right path, but because of my roots being in God, I always knew which path to take. I was always led back to Him.

In Deuteronomy, Moses was commissioning Joshua to lead the Israelites without him. Joshua obviously needed guidance as did the Israelites. I can’t even imagine having to take the place of Moses—holy cow, that is a huge challenge! Moses said in three verses the words I have held to when faced with difficult challenges and also the scripture I was led to when Sadie and I were drawing in the sand.

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 7 Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the LORD swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. 8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Much like Joshua & the Israelite's were in fear of the future without Moses, we are fearful when it comes to certain challenges ahead of us. Joshua had been learning with Moses, he was rooted in the Lord and that is why the Lord appointed him. The faith we have in the LORD must be deeply rooted within us for us to have visible courage to face these challenges. If it weren’t for those flower roots, the flower would never be beautiful. If it weren’t for those flower roots, the flower wouldn’t be strong enough to handle rain and storms. In the same way, we must rely on our roots to be the women of God we are called to be, for without our roots we will never be given the courage to face life’s challenges.

Be Blessed Girls!

Prayer:

Lord, I pray that whatever challenge is ahead that I am able to rely on my deeply rooted Faith in you. Lord I pray knowledge and discernment over my upcoming challenges and decisions. I give them over to you for your will to be done. Amen.

A Barbie hand that slowed me down...

I suck at self care, I’ve probably said that before... If I find a moment without anything to do, I create something to do. I make lists about lists. I have to be forced to rest. Even watching a television show stresses me out because there are always things that could be done. 

Recently my job has changed, Sadie started school, grieving has been in full force...and the busyness of my mind has been paralytic. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had any time that I didn’t consume with a “to-do” and it was really starting to catch up with me. Last night I was seeking some quiet time so after everyone went to bed I snuck out and sat in the dark quiet living room for a while trying to slow my mind. After my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw a toy laying on the couch. My initial reaction to a toy not in place is to stop what I’m doing and put it up but last night was different. I felt drawn to what I saw. I have been drowning lately in my own thoughts and “tasks”. My head is spinning constantly, my anxiety has been through the roof, my inability to rest increasing...I have felt paralyzed in this state for months now. I feel like every prayer I pray starts with a petition for a rescue from my own thoughts. When I saw this toy from my chair, the imagery couldn’t be more reflective of my racing thoughts and prayer life lately. Desperate for God to take over my mind while also trying to tell Him how to do it...🤷🏼‍♀️ you all know the process...so stop being Holy judgers. 

From my perspective I could see just a hand. A small hand reaching up. The longer I sat and stared at this hand the more I realized just how “small” I am in comparison to whom I’m pleading to rescue me. If I’m 1,674% larger than said Barbie, i can only imagine how much bigger God is than myself. 

God tells us that He will rescue us from the evil of this world, He tells us that He will sustain us. I imagine that during my pleading for Him to take the anxiety from me that He sees a tiny hand reaching. I imagine Him saying “I will never leave you or forsake you”. I imagine Him saying “come to me all ye who are heavy burden and I will give you rest”. I imagine Him wondering why i ever allowed this sin to creep in when He so graciously gave me freedom in Him. I also imagine Him taking my hand and leading me through the valley. I imagine Him holding my hand through every racing thought that cripples me. I imagine the safety and security His hand provides...

As I sat in the darkness thinking about these things I realized that this was my rescue in my quiet time. This was my revelation. All the unmaking of late came to a screeching halt. I saw myself. I saw myself desperate for help and instantly felt the presence of God surrounding me. I know it may sound silly but as I was searching for peace and still quiet, He gave it to me....He provided imagery in this Barbie that reminded me just how BIG HE IS! I am so thankful for my relationship with Him. I can’t imagine going through the heartache and daily struggles without Him grabbing me by the hand and leading me...

He restores my soul;

#thebarbiehandthatslowedmedown 

‭‭

Reference-

Isaiah 46: 4

Matthew 11:28

Psalm 23:3