Thankfully I serve Him...

This Christmas has been especially hard for me. In every moment alone I've found myself in tears. Sometimes sobs and sometimes quiet tears dropping, but tears nonetheless. As blessed as I feel to have my sweet miracle here, the loss of Berkley has lingered and been even more present this year. Maybe it's because she would be old enough to express what she wants and have excitement in her eyes for Santa, maybe it's because I would love to see her helping her little sister opening gifts, or maybe it's because it just plain hurts. I can just see my blonde headed, blue eyed girls opening gifts together with big smiles on Christmas morning.

It probably sounds crazy to most because I have no real memories to reflect on. Maybe it sounds crazy because the time I did have was hospital time but it isn't like that. I miss the what could be's. I miss the what should be's. I miss the idea of joy that Berkley would have added to our family. 

Now let me say this, I don't mean that I've been lost in missing Berkley and not enjoying Sadie, that's not it. That's not it at all. It's been the best Christmas I've ever experienced! Being a mom and seeing how loved Sadie is has been the best of the best, but it doesn't take away the pain of losing Berk. Sadie doesn't and shouldn't replace the piece of my heart that my first girl holds. She is just as much my daughter as Sadie is. Just because she isn't here, doesn't mean she isn't a part of my heart. The blessings are blessings...separate from the losses. They in no way replace or repair the pain and damage that a loss can create. So it's been hard. As beautiful as this Christmas has been, it's been tough. Real tough. 

But...Thankfully I serve a God who shows me little glimpses of Berkley on a daily basis. Thankfully I serve a God who gave me two whole days with my first girl. Thankfully I serve a God who  blessed me with a little miracle who I can tell all about her big sister. Thankfully I serve a God who allows me to rest in His arms when it hurts too bad to breathe on my own. Thankfully I serve Him...

The scrub.

It's so hard for me to believe that it is Christmas time. This year has been a whirlwind. At this time last year I wanted so badly to be pregnant and this past February my prayer was answered.

Reflecting back on my year is, well, exhausting. Sooo much excitement when we found out we were expecting, so much excitement when we found out it was a girl, so much excitement when I started getting a belly, when I started feeing her move, when David finally felt her move, when my mom and sister finally felt her move...overwhelming happiness is how I would describe my pregnancy. The 7 months I was pregnant. 7, 28 weeks...that was my pregnancy. 

When I look back on pictures of Sadie when she was born or us holding her for the first time I can't even remember how I felt, how I functioned. It was overwhelming. I see pictures of her hooked up to the machines and it almost seems like it didn't happen to me. It's just such a blur of events that I can't even recall it all. But what I remember was the daily scrubbing. Everytime you walk in the NICU you scrub from fingertips to elbows. It's the last step before you see your baby. You've already conquered the hall where you see happy families going home with their new baby. You've walked past the nosey people with the "bless her" looks as you carry a cooler of breast milk that you've pumped because your baby isn't ready to eat by mouth. You've already conquered buzzing in and hoping the lady at the desk knows you because saying "my daughter" feels so strange yet so good. Then you drop off your milk and you wash your hands. The scrub. You scrub all that off. You scrub off the self pity from seeing the happy families, you scrub off the anger you feel toward the nosey people. You scrub off the guilt behind how you feel about calling your daughter your daughter. You scrub off the germs of the day because you are going to have the best you ready to see your girl. You're going to give her the love you've had to bottle up all night because she lives at the hospital. You're going to give her the care that the nurses give her during the night so she will know you are her mom. You scrub everything to be completely clean for her. You scrub down to the nakedness of your heart so that all that's left is room for her. 

I was thinking about this Holiday season and how much I have to be thankful for this year. I was thinking about the bitterness and anger I have felt the last few Christmas's because I didn't think I had what I wanted. We so often put how our year went ahead of what Christmas is about. It's a "this year has sucked but maybe next year will be better" or "this year has been great, I'm so blessed". While all this may be true...what's the reason we are celebrating? It isn't to start fresh next year or even to just shout how blessed we are. It's about a tiny baby that came to save us. This world is ugly and if we allow the world to dictate our Christmas, then it isn't Christmas at all. Scrub off the I's of the year, good or bad, and have a fresh face of faith for the one who came for us. We give our all to so many things and while those things are wonderful blessings, sometimes I think we just need a good scrub. A good scrub to give us a fresh perspective and an open clean heart to our Savior. 

Why is being obedient so darn hard?

Psalm 128:1

Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to Him.

So there's that word....obedience. Ew.  I'm not good at it...at all, but we are called to be obedient. CALLED, by our Lord, by our Father. I fight it every.single.time. I've said before that I had been fighting the calling to publish a blog. And when I say fight, I mean gloves on, straps on my wrist...lets go 12 rounds kind of fighting. Who do I think I am to fight with a calling? Cleary I've given in because well, here we are, but I fought it, I was not obedient in this area of my life for quite some time. The more I read this verse today the more I think of what damage that can do, lack of obedience. Let's talk this out, shall we? When I'm not obedient....My relationship with God suffers, the Devil resides in my mind on a daily basis, he takes over my every thought, leaves me with guilt and the worthless feeling we all know too well. oh, oh and there's the whole other people may need to hear your story thing. So not only am I disappointing God with my lack of obedience but it could be affecting others. Now don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that if God is trying to reach someone, He will get them with or without my obedience to a silly blog but it would be so much easier if we just submitted to what He asks us to do. 

Verse 2 reads:

You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.

Oh that's just great, we also miss out on blessings. Can I just say that I am all about some blessings. I love the phrase "my cup runeth over". Mainly because I anticipate said cup being a coffee mug. I love a good feeing mug, that's a blessing in itself to me. Okay okay..I'm back from coffee fantasy land. So we disappoint God and then we miss out on His blessings, that's where I was. Also, since we are being disobedient, we are probably also allowing the Devil to control our thoughts so now we are telling ourselves we aren't worthy and beating ourselves down constantly...because that's helpful. It is so crazy how a small act of obedience can be such a blessing and how a small act of disobedience can escalate so quickly.

Yes, it would be easier to be obedient to every single thing He asks us to do, but we don't, we're human, it's just not going to happen every time. And sometimes it can be hard for us to know exactly what He is asking us to do. With this whole blog/writing thing, I had two women pushing me...almost daily. It really started when I was kept awake a lot with aching hands. It was the craziest feeing. They ached until I started writing. He kept me awake until i put my thoughts on paper. I've been writing for a while now but the ability to start the blog has been hard for me. Putting yourself out there and showing real raw emotion is scary but it was exactly what He was asking me to do. These two ladies prayed with me, interceded for me and helped me see when God was truly speaking to me. That's how God pulled me into obedience...with two praying sisters reminding me that He would be with me every step of the way. 

His love for us is beyond our ability to understand. We know this and yet it is so darn hard to be still and obedient to Him. To all my sisters out there who have fear holding them back from being obedient, I pray for you right now. Its so stinking hard. I struggle with it every single time I get out of bed, walk out of the house, every time I pick up a journal to write or my bible to read. 

Where can we start? How can we get into the practice of practicing obedience? Let's start with something relatively easy. Let's begin with being obedient by being true brothers and sisters in Christ to one another. Let's start by being obedient and loving our brothers and sisters the way we are called to. What would it look like if we all decided to be obedient to God in this way? Let's build each other up just as my two sisters built me up. We never know who is struggling to submit to His will. Let's be encouraging, let's hold each other at our lowest and let's help each other be obedient to whatever He has called us to do.

#loveaprayingsister

#hugahurtingheart 

#practiceobedience 

It's time....this is my story

So I've been contemplating blog life for like 2 years now. I've journaled and journaled until I got carpel tunnel...kidding. I have typed lots and posted some on Facebook but I never really felt like that was the outlet God wanted me to use. Plenty of people have said I should write a book...pretty sure I'm not ready for that. So a blog it is. I've fought it for a while...mainly because I'm extremely indecisive, beyond anxious and ridiculously insecure. 

So I guess I should tell you new people a little about myself. I'm married to a guy I've known since I was like 5. We decided to try dating in college and it's been "happily ever after"ever since. I just want to say that is the most ridiculous and unrealistic phrase ever. Anyway, we have been married 6 years and battled lots. He got sick in 06, blood clot in his brain...pretty serious. I graduated college in 07, we got engaged in 08. We got married in 09, he graduated and we bought a house in 2010. We had a pretty ideal easy perfect life...we weren't ready for the real stuff, the hard hard real life stuff. We loved Jesus, had supportive families, been in the same church our whole lives....we should be known better. By the way we call this next segment of life "The fall of 2012"...you should know this for future or past references. 

So based on our perfect, uneventful marriage, in 2012 we decided we were ready to have a baby. We both had good jobs, why not? We found out we were pregnant on June, due the next February. Oh I should also mention that my daddy had a heart attack in April. It was terrible and terrifying for my family. Ironically, in a completely inappropriate, over-sharing moment, Berkley was conceived that day. Gross, right? Ha. Okay, moving on... In July David got very sick, blood clot sick again. But this time we were shipped off to Emory in Atlanta. Away from home, two separate times, 14-15 days each time. It was exhausting and emotionally draining, especially on this first trimester girl! But we got through it...read my post "Joseph's story"...you'll see how God walked us through that journey with my precious Berkley. Oh, sometimes I call her Berk, know that.

Anyway in October I went into labor. I gave birth to our sweet Berkley at home alone on a dark and dreary October 10th. She was very small, weighing 1lb and 6oz., 12 inches long and absolutely beautiful. She was with us 2 days, she went to be with Jesus on October 12th. Most of my older posts are about her or revolve around things I've learned from her. It was the greatest loss I've ever suffered but the most beautiful moments of my walk with Jesus were birthed there. David got sick again in December of that year but has since been pretty healthy. Since then we have been on a climb. An uphill battle that has been daunting at times. But through the grace of God we have made it. We have grown in Him and grown with each other. We have just recently had our second Daughter, Sadie. Who I sometimes call Frass, know that. She is amazing. Also born prematurely at only 28 weeks, but she is now 3 months old and after 8 weeks in the NICU we got to bring her home! She is the most amazing little fighter I've ever known! Turns out I don't carry babies well, not my spiritual gift...but we have a healthy little girl at home who we couldn't be more grateful for! 

So that's my story...this is where I start I guess. I'm learning as I go so be patient with me. I've published a lot of older journal entries for background but they aren't in exact order of events...

I'll just start here. I ask you to pray with me as I walk this journey. I know God has a plan and purpose for our story and for now all I know to do is write and share it.

Going Unseen is the title of my blog...which probably makes absolutely no sense to you. You should know, I am a really happy person. I'm obnoxious and ridiculously cheerful and loud at times. I have a massive smile and have been told my energy is contagious. Those are all great characteristics, and I'm thankful that people view me in that way. But...what I have learned in the last few years is that things aren't always perfect cheerful rainbows and butterfly's. Things are ugly, life is hard, and we so frequently spend so much time trying to cover the ugly parts with makeup and put on a plastic smile like we are ashamed of the real stuff...we let our hard times go "unseen".  We fake it....and It.is.exhausting. NEWSFLASH...no one has it all together. To quote my best friend/sister "everybody has stuff babe". To most people the real Lauren has gone unseen. So here we are...starting a new journey of real feelings, raw emotion, and learning to be okay with the not so perfect moments. I'm learning everyday that walking with Jesus is the only way we can be okay with our "unseen" moments.

Oh and I'm hilarious so be prepared to laugh at me... 

#readysetgo

#iloveahashtag

Warnings, road signs and His plan..

Okay, so you know how you drive down the same road 2-3 times a week and you think you have seen everything there is to see on this boring stretch of road and all the sudden, bam...something you've never seen before is there. It's not a new sign or marker, or at least it doesn't look new, so when did it get there and how have you not seen it? Well yeah, that happened to me today. I was driving down a typical stretch of road for me when I noticed these signs that said "baker road next right" or "oak hill circle next left". 

My thoughts....

1. When did they put these up? And...

2. Why? These aren't big roads or big intersections...they are just side roads. Back residential roads. So why do we need a warning? 

Sometimes I wish I could have these signs for the side roads and ventures of my life....but for the big intersections, the really scary ones. Like "up ahead on hwy 27, my age at the time...clever I know, you'll have a sick husband and lose a child" but if you hang on "up ahead on hwy 29, you'll get pregnant again and on hwy 30 you'll bring home a healthy little girl". But we don't...we get really excited about getting married and then your spouse gets sick. And not like normal sick but like blood clot, old people illness, genetic, will affect your children, life altering, medication for life sick. You want to scream THIS IS NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! WHERE WAS MY WARNING!?! Or you get pregnant and just know you are going to have a normal pregnancy and bam...early labor, no warning for that, and you lose your little girl. WHY!?!

But that's where we must realize just how much bigger God is than we are. If we had warning signs before every turn in life...we'd never turn. We would never take a leap of faith. We would never allow ourselves to love or dream in anticipation of heartache and loss. You see, God has a bigger view than us. He has a wide lens while we just see what's in front of us. We have to trust in His view. We have to blindly go on faith that His plan is best. Because as much as we want to control every turn our life takes, as much as we want a huge warning sign of things to come, we couldn't handle it. Our feeble minds are just not advanced enough to process the not so perfect future in advance. Because let's be real...life is messy, turns can get ugly, sometimes you may find yourself so lost in the twists and turns and ups and downs of a side road that you think you may never get to the end. But you do, you always do, and if we knew those twisty dark roads were coming, we would stay straight. Its in the mess that we are blessed.....that's why He is God. We miss out on our greatest blessings when we stop allowing our faith to guide us. There is no bypass for the trials of life but we do have the best driver.....

#ridewithHim #letHimdrive #shotgun 

She still isn't home...but is my heart her true home?

Not being able to bring my sweet girl home is not easy. As the weeks have gone by it has only proven to be harder and harder to leave her at night. Most people get to see the beautiful happy baby pictures and see my happy posts on her weight gain...not many people see the realness of it all. Not many people see me on a bad day or see the exhaustion in my eyes. Not many people see when a combination of hormones, worry and pure exhaustion take over...I'll tell you, it isn't pretty. This is hard....dang hard! It's hard to know, as a woman, that you most likely won't be able to carry a baby full term. It's hard as a mommy to have to leave your baby at the hospital. It's hard as a wife to be the comfort your husband needs knowing you are dealing with the stress differently. We lost our sweet Berkley behind these same NICU walls, it's was beyond painful to walk back in the NICU and see our sweet Sadie in the same place. It's just hard. As hard as it all has been and will continue to be until she comes home, there is absolutely nothing like rocking my sweet girl and singing to her about Jesus. We may be in the NICU with beeping machines and she may be getting a tube feeding instead of a bottle, but in these moments, it's just me and my sweet girl. In these moments God shows me His faithfulness and gives me the peace and strength I need to keep going. I am so thankful for this amazing precious girl and every minute I get to spend with her. 

Sadie is here...it wasn't time. My baby isn't home with me.

I was sitting with my Sadie this morning and I started thinking about our lesson that my sweet sister taught yesterday morning. Praying for boldness, praying to share what Jesus has done in our lives, gaining confidence, getting refueled to share Christ with others. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm struggling with contentment in my story. This is not at all how I wanted my pregnancy to go, this isn't how I envisioned my life but this is my story. My story will never be the perfect family with perfect healthy pregnancies and perfect healthy babies.  Finding contentment in what is real as opposed to how we thought it should be is hard, really really hard. I think as women we struggle to share what Christ has done for us because we are too ashamed to admit the ugly. We are too ashamed to admit that we aren't okay and that we don't have it all together. We have to remember that we are all going through some type of struggle, whether it's a season or something that may cause struggle for a lifetime, it's a struggle. My prayer for us this week is that we can find contentment in our stories, even in the ugly, and share with others how He has worked in our lives. In our brokenness His light can shine, but we have to be content in where we are with the faith that He will carry us through it. 

Loving others...despite their shoes

"Love one another as yourself."

The preacher said that this morning and it won't leave my head. No matter how ridiculous someone is acting or treating us, Jesus died for them too. "For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten son..". I have to remind myself of that because sometimes I just want to boot them in the rear and call it a day. We are all human and at one point or another we are that annoying ridiculousness to someone else. To love another as yourself is commanded by God. And no matter how much self hate we have for ourselves at one point or another, at the end we usually put our well being first. So to treat someone and love them as we love ourselves, is a huge task. 

The crib, it's real, I'm going to have a baby...

So the crib is up. It's the same crib we used in the nursery when we were expecting to bring sweet Berkley home. The same crib that took me almost a year to take down. Although I'd been pushing my sweet husband to get the crib up, I will admit that when he texted me today saying it was up, I felt like I might puke. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. It took me to Berkley and to a million different places of pain. I was fully anticipating to come home and have a melt down seeing the crib in the same room. I mean it is the same room that we closed a door on for almost a year. The same room and crib that held so much pain for us. But actually, my reaction was quite the opposite. I got home and was filled with joy when I saw it up. I was filled with excitement of where I would be putting our sweet Sadie to sleep. I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling all the emotions and I was feeling earlier in the day. All the anxious anticipation was gone and I was full of excitement and joy. I walked around the crib and tried to envision where we would put it and how the bedding would look on the crib. I was starting to beat myself up for not being upset enough. For some reason I felt like I was doing Berkley an injustice by not being more emotional. But then....God. God placed this phrase in my head "beauty from pain, beauty from pain, I make beauty from pain". Woah. So very true. He turns our darkest moments into the most beautiful ones. He takes our deepest pain, and if we allow Him, molds us into who we need to be to show others how He can turn that pain into beauty. We try so hard to put on our strong face. We try so hard to box up all our pain in a bankers box, sit it on a shelf and label it "October 2012". Why? Why do we let pain hold us when we have a Father who can release us? We try to put it in a container, no matter how many years its been or how deep the cut, and we sit it to the side. It's like we think we can put it in a labeled box on the top shelf and then it won't affect us again. But much like a crib, there is no top and there are only rails where the pain can leak out. We can't contain our darkest moments of pain, and we shouldn't try to, not from God. God can turn our deepest pain into beauty. Each time I find myself turning a moment of pain over, He reveals something even more amazing. No matter how old or deep the scar runs, He will always use our pain for His glory if we allow Him. God has used my darkest moments to form me into the wife, friend, daughter, Christ follower, and future mama that I need to be. This pain has allowed me to comfort others who have lost babies and to learn to listen and feel when the Holy Spirit is moving in my life and in others. God has continually reminded me that I am not replacing Berkley and it's completely okay for me to miss her and be excited for Sadie all in the same breath. His ability to turn pain into beauty is nothing short of amazing. Some people have their pain revealed, some through no choice of their own, and allow Him to use that pain publicly. Others never have to reveal their darkest moments yet God still uses their pain to help others, to show compassion to others and to recognize people who just need love. It's not the public confession of our darkest moments that He needs, He just needs us to turn our pain over to Him. He needs to us accept the pain as it is and believe that He can heal us. He needs to us accept that our pain and imperfections don't make us unworthy of His love but make us vulnerable and a vessel for Him. He will use us however is best for His glory to shine and He will reassure us and hold us up as we let Him work. His reassurance and love for me came in the form of a crib today, a crib that held so much pain for me. He took the deep painful thoughts of loss and led me to the thoughts of a beautiful little girl that David and I will bring home later this year. I love reminders of how much He loves us and how powerful He really is. 

My best friends birthday...and Beth Moore

As I was buying tickets and getting ready for the Beth Moore conference this weekend, I found myself more concerned about where we would eat and what we would do than the conference itself....just being honest. I had never seen her before and so my heart was more focused on making my friends birthday the best weekend ever with her favorite speaker, not on growing closer to Him and learning more about our precious God. I started praying about a week or so ago to truly feel His presence. I needed to feel that overwhelming, God is right with me, moment. I've been crippled with fear and anxiety recently. All week I haven't slept well. Waking up every morning at 2:30 or 3 and when I was asleep I was dreaming about Berkley. I kept dreaming about the night she passed away and even her memorial service. I was so confused and conflicted. Part of me, most of me, thought this was Satan just trying to place more fear in my life. Trust me when I tell you that I need no help in that department. I was beginning to get very very frustrated. I was exhausted and the weekend was quickly approaching. I was slammed at work and hadn't packed anything. We finally got on the road Friday and made it to Greenville that afternoon. We had our first session and let me just say that I.love.beth.moore. I actually think we are soul mates and she just isn't aware. She is the perfect mix of smart and witty....we are basically the same person. I'm obviously kidding....but really, she is incredible. Anyway, I started feeling huge amounts of pressure as the praise band sang and I couldn't get my mind to wander away from Berkley. I was convinced Satan was attacking me. "From life's first cry, to final breath"....the lyrics from one of the praise songs. I was so focused on the first time I saw her to the last time she took a breath. Why...why was Satan ruining my weekend? I was so distracted...or so I thought. I finally closed my eyes and just dropped my head in prayer. I had been reflecting on all the painful things about losing her but as soon as I dropped my head in prayer....God took over. He took over my heart. He reminded me of the moments with her when I felt His presence. He reminded me of the overwhelming peace I felt when He took her from us. Beth spoke about Gravity, Divine Gravity, what goes down, must come up. God woke me up each night this week. I truly feel God allowed those painful memories to bring me to a place where I could be reminded of His presence. A place where I could remember how powerful He is. Maybe I needed the sleepless nights, the reckless thoughts, to draw me nearer.....to bring me back in. I needed the down, I needed the down to show me how powerful He can lift me up. To make me drop my head in prayer and fully surrender my thoughts to Him. I was overcome with so many emotions. 

Saturday morning we got there and I was so ready to be moved! About 10 minutes into the first session I looked at Tonya and said "Sadie hasn't moved this morning". I was suddenly overcome with fear. So quickly, from one pumped up night to less than 10 hours later, I'm covered in fear and doubt. Why is Satan so sneaky?? He took over my thoughts in milliseconds. I took a breath and just tried to focus on the praise music but she still wasn't moving. We were singing a song that kept repeating the phrase "break every chain, break every chain, break every chain". I'm not ashamed to say, and people who know me will know, I am driven by fear and anxiety. Fear of loss, fear of not being the best, fear of disappointing others....you name it, I fear it. I threw my hands up during this song with tears streaming down my face. My heart was racing. I was almost screaming the lyrics to the song. Begging God to take over my fearful thoughts, begging Him to give me the peace I needed. Within moments of surrendering my thoughts and fears to Him, Sadie gave me a big ole kick to the bladder. My heart suddenly calmed, I was overwhelmed with peace....His peace. Once again, all I did was surrender my thoughts. My thought life keeps me in trouble. Beth made this statement this weekend and it crawled all over me. "Anxiety and Dread is nothing more than a person prophesying the unfaithfulness of God". Woah, right? Do we really feel like God isn't big enough to handle our fears and doubts? Do we think the one who formed the universe isn't able to flip a switch and calm our anxious heart? Of course He is. I learned so many things this weekend but most importantly I watched the Holy Spirit fill a room of 11K women, yet still He had a personal conversation with me. Amazed. 

Bravery in a dark day

I want to be brave. I want to face each day with the confidence that God is in control. I want to wake up and know that no matter the circumstances, He holds my best interest and there is a purpose in the pain. I would love to say that I do. I would love to say that I wake up each day and  embrace God’s Grace. The truth is, I don’t wake up brave. I don’t wake up with the confidence that He is supreme. I wake up with fear and doubt. I wake up with a rolling list of things that need to get done and the never ending cycle of “you aren’t enough” playing through my head. We know He reigns supreme and has us in the palm of His hand, so why is it so easy for us to let the devil take over our day as soon as our feet hit the floor? I close my day in  prayer and yet 8 hours later wake up with the same doubts and fears I laid down the night before. Why can’t we lay it all down and leave it? Is it a lack of trust? How arrogant of us to think we can handle it better than God can. Who do we think we are?

See, it doesn’t matter our knowledge of His grace and love if we don’t have the relationship. We can have the knowledge that He is always in control yet not feel comfortable enough in the relationship to fully rest in Him. Daily giving it over is a struggle….it can be exhausting at times.

I say all this from a dark place. Today is one of those days where I just want to crawl in a hole because I can’t see past myself. Today is a day where I don’t feel like I can rest in His plan. But I know I can, I have done it before. He is always with me. He is an all-consuming, ever present, all knowing God and all I have to do is lay it down.

#realtalk

Captivate me

Captivate. 

Think about the energy it takes to get someone's full attention. To fully captivate them. To draw someone in and convince them you are worth loving. To not only convince them to love you at first sight but to convince them that you are worth loving forever. To not have to manipulate them in to loving you but that your actions alone would be enough. What kind of action would that take in today's world? What would that even look like? For a human to convince another human of an unconditional love? We are a rotten culture. We see it, we get it. We want love and acceptance, we act a certain way, dress a certain way or even fib a little to gain their love. No one in history has ever been able to captivate others with their actions alone. No one in history has ever been able to gain and keep love from others without manipulation and sin. No one but Jesus. He gave it all for us. To be completely captivated by His love is a gift. To feel His love, knowing it's pure nature, is overwhelming. It's a beautiful love that is personal. It's not a generic love...it's a personal individualized love for each one of His children. It's a love that is captivating and all consuming. 

Woah...God moments

Some days you just need reassurance that everything is going to be okay. It's in those times that we can either allow ourselves to wallow or we can embrace the promises of our holy God. I've been in a bit of a pit lately. Just discouraged with typical life struggles, feeling overly emotional...which may or may not have something to do with my hormones, and my anxiety about Sadie has been through the roof! I've spent the better part of today sitting on the beach thinking about every single thing that could possibly go wrong and every way I've failed as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, Christian...the whole beat yourself up, you aren't good enough, you'll never be enough spill that we all go through. My sweet sister reminded me that God tells us we are beautiful and shows us His beauty through so many things. She reminded me that sometimes we allow the devil to get in our heads and it blocks us from seeing His beauty. Thank God for her! Tonight as I sat down after a big meal I began to feel Sadie kick. I mean kicking up a storm...more than she ever has before. David was able to get to me and feel her precious feet thumping me. A little while later we walked outside and the most beautiful sunset appeared.  There was a cloud that looked just like an angel and it looked like she was holding something. I immediately felt a calm....that angel is holding my Berkley. It's amazing how when you allow God to show you His beauty, He really shows up. Reassurance is one thing but signs and sunset wonders from God....

I want to be a weed...

My favorite favorite moment is when I wake up early on an off day, walk in the kitchen and start the coffee. I can hear it percolating and the aroma fills the room. I get out my mug, I love a good mug, and my creamer and pour my first warm cup. I get the mug right up to my face and let the steam cover me. In that moment I am the perfect bouncing curled hair, fresh faced, white robed, granite countertop, perfectly clean kitchen woman in the Folger's commercial. Unfortunately after the steam goes away I realize that I have to go to the bathroom and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Turns out, I'm not the Folger's lady....at all. I have my highlighted-root showing hair in a bun, my left I eye is matted together with mascara from the day before, my left cheek has acne cream on it, I have on David's t-shirt and granny panties, and I have a small not so granite countertop that is currently being occupied by fishing lures and hooks. Either way, it's still my favorite moment. I love to sit in my rocking chair on the porch and drink my coffee. I love the sound of birds chirping and the smell of fresh cut grass. It's such a beautiful time of day that a lot of people miss. I read a lot when I'm on the porch. It's my God time. I can just relax and talk with Him. Yes, my neighbors think I talk to myself but oh well....who's to say I don't. :) A couple of weeks ago I was siting on the porch and I got distracted by the not perfectly cut grass, pollen covered porch, and the weeds in the flower beds....I was starting to get a little irritated. My lack of being the Folger's commercial lady was starting to make David the not so Home Depot commercial guy. Why do we expect so much? Why do we compare ourselves to an overly done advertisement? We all do it. We live in a photoshopped, perfect world where we all remain disappointed with ourselves over unattainable expectations. I decided to just take a deep breath and not pick up my phone to tell my husband that he should be doing yard work instead of fishing. He is enjoying his day with no desire to be the Home Depot commercial guy. This was my issue, not his, so I just sat there and continued to breathe in the fresh Spring air. God took that moment....

Grass...the grass is tall. But you know what? It's early Spring. It's just living proof that He can turn the dead to life. Embrace it...we were all dead before we found the love of Christ. We should be so grateful that we serve a God who can pull us up and bring us to life to matter where we have journeyed or how far to the left we've wandered. After a cold season why would God bring us back to life? Because of His undying love for us and His ability to see our true self beneath the cold walls that we allow the world to create around us. 

Pollen....after we become Christians and the newness wears off, after we leave a conference and the excitement wears off, don't we always long for that all covering joy and excitement for God to come back? Don't we all wish that we could stay so covered up in Him that our every action would be to glorify Him? Of course we do....we all want to please Him, we just get lost in day to day struggles and brush Him off. Just like this pollen covered porch, I long to be it, so covered in His love that you can't see  the old me-the human me. 

And the weeds...oh they annoy the stew out of me. But why? I used to always think that God has us all as identical pieces of bark placed neatly in a flower bed....that's what Christianity looked like to me. But that's not it at all. Not a single one of us are alike, not a single one of us came from the same journey. We are the weeds. We are the ones sticking up in a world of people conforming to commercials and reality TV. It's funny how different weeds can be....some are patches of clovers that attract tons of people and spread like wild fire. Some are just barely sprouting but their growth is noticed, their progress can be seen by all. And some are stand alone flowers. They are so beautiful and everyone can see their beauty from a far. They have blossomed  and they create an atmosphere of beauty that others are attracted to. 

In my moment of total distraction, God spoke. 

In a moment that could have caused me to yell at my husband and spend my whole day cleaning and pulling weeds, I was able to breathe in the beauty of the mess. His ability to calm us during a moment of distress, no matter how small, amazes me. Allowing our mind to refocus on Him is the hardest part, but once we do, it's amazing what He can show us. We are not perfect people in perfect houses with perfectly manicured yards. We are not perfectly laid bark in a flower bed. We all have different gifts and talents, we are all a part of His ministry through what ever stage of development we are in, we all have been brought to life by a God who covers us in His love. We are weeds, breaking through the bark to shine Gods love to an all too conforming world. We are the weeds....and we should want to be weeds.

Anxiety...its building. I'm having a baby.

March 2015...Why is it that when we finally are blessed with what we've been praying for, we still worry ourselves out of the joy? Worry is such a strong negative force in my life. I worry about David, about my friends, about my family, my job, Cosmo, lost people, saved people, starving children, why people would ever eat squash....I mean, I can worry the paint slap off the walls. So if I call myself a praying woman, why can't I lay all that worry down? The truth is I do, and then I pick it back up. I have prayed for a long time for this baby but in the midst of the overwhelming joy I find myself covered up in worry and fear. Every little ache and pain and I find myself in turmoil over the "what ifs" and "oh no, not agains". I think most of us spend our time worrying about so many things that we forget that God has already written this down. If we have the faith to pray for our miracle, once we receive it, what blocks us from being able to rest in His assurance and let the worry go? Joy is hard to keep when we let worry take hold of us. We women tend to want to be the best wife, mom, bible study girl, friend, daughter, housekeeper, cook, clean freak, calendar keeping super woman. And if we aren't, we worry ourselves sick over who we may have let down or what tiny area of the house isn't clean....and why?? We aren't expected to be the best at everything and for everyone, we are only expected to give our best to Him. He will take our worry, give us joy, and make us the women He wants us to be. If we worry ourselves out of joy, we can't live the shining Christ-like example He desires for us. He doesn't desire for us to wallow in worry and spend hours analyzing the "what ifs"....He desires greatness for His children. He knows each of our hearts and individual worries. He knows our strengths, weaknesses and what we need to get through each day. Our worries will not make a difference in the outcome of our situation...no, all it will do is rob us of our joy. As praying women, we have to pray for the strength to overcome the worry and allow His joy to shine. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

It was an ugly day...

It's been one of those ugly days. The strong, faithful, God has a plan Lauren hasn't been present. Instead it's been more like I'm weak, I need someone to hold me up, doubting Lauren. Cloudy response, self centered, unable to empathize, quick tempered Lauren. The Lauren that shoves back the tears just long enough until she finally gets in the car and it's like a waterfall. A big flooding waterfall. Except it's not pretty, no one would admire it, in fact no one needs to see it....but wait. Should people see it? Should we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to show our weaknesses to others? We all have the not so pretty side. We all have the ugly version of ourself that we lock away. The not so put together, not face-book worthy, messy ugly side. If we are to truly lead others to Christ, shouldn't we allow others to see how He really carries us? Even on the not so put together days, He still holds us up. Shouldn't we allow people see how weak we are to show how strong He is? Why are we so ashamed of being human when it only reveals how great out God really is? I think that it's only through our weakness that others can truly see God's love for us. We are all humans, failing everyday to try and do this life alone....why not show others how much of a burden is lifted when we allow God to carry us in our weakness?

Life...hanging on by a strap

Life, everyday living, can seem like a task….and truthfully some days it is, most days it is. Some days making the decision to pick out our outfit, decide what to cook for dinner or making time to go to the gym is the biggest life changing decisions we can handle. Life is hard. Working, keeping a clean house, keeping a happy husband and family, getting to the gym, eating right, ohhhh and that important “finding time for God” thing is overwhelming. If I can get out of bed most days I feel accomplished. If we throw in the whole standing up for what we believe in, reaching out to those who need us, ministering to those who don’t know our precious Savior, following whatever HE has called us to do…..well, I need a nap just thinking about it. I just started taking a TRX class in the mornings at the Y. I really like it. It challenges me and keeps me focused and in tune with my body. In this class you are relying on straps to push or pull your body weight. In most of the exercises you are fully relying on the straps to hold your body weight. Do I trust the straps to hold me? Of course I do or I wouldn’t go to the class. Now if I don’t have my core engaged my legs may swing out from under me, my lower body may shift, my arms swing, and in any of those examples…I will lose my balance. I have to put all my focus on my core and be determined to maintain position. This morning I was doing sumo squats, which are fabulous for booty weight carrying girls like myself, and I had to find something slightly higher than eye level to fix my eyes on so I could hold my form. The slightest distraction and I could lose form. Losing form can lead to injuries, which leads to a couple of weeks off, which leads to missed opportunities, which leads to a “do-over”. While I fully believe in do-over’s, because we are human, if I were to focus and fix my eyes on something greater, I wouldn’t need a do-over. In our crazy hectic, I can’t breathe I’m so busy lives, we need something to keep us focused. Getting caught up in the everyday running around and losing focus is how we lose opportunities to minister to others. It’s how we miss opportunities to show Christ’s love to others. Say my day starts like this….alarm doesn’t go off, I miss my class at the gym hence missing my daily devotional, scrambling to pick out an outfit, having a bad hair day, forgetting my earrings (this upsets me more that it should), not getting coffee, and getting to work 5 minutes late. Chances are I am going to be in a less than stellar mood. Chances are I am going to snap at someone….and why? Because I was slightly inconvenienced. What would it look like if our eyes were so fixed on Jesus that those messy mornings could become a blessing? Truth is every single morning a woman is running late. In these tiny little moments we can lose our cool or we can smile and make a joke about it. That forgotten earring could lead to a mid-morning trip to a boutique, where you run in to an old friend and you get to catch up. She may have just needed a hug from a friend or a tiny dose of encouragement. The missed class at the gym could lead to an evening class, where you meet someone new who doesn’t know Christ and needs to know His abounding love for us. If we learn to just breathe and keep our eyes fixed on Him, any level of a disastrous morning can benefit Him. We can’t always control our circumstances but we can handle how we react. Not every single “tragedy”, and yes I said tragedy because I am slightly dramatic, requires a reaction. If we lean back in the straps of His love, fully engage our minds and focus on something above ourselves well, life doesn’t seem quite as overwhelming. Moments of crazy become a little more peaceful. He has us. He has our best interest at heart. All we have to do is breathe Him in…He is our peace. In those times our dependence on Him shows others how powerful of a God we serve. That is a ministry in itself.

Prayers aren't always answered...the way we think they should be

February 1, 2015

It was a dreary day at the cemetery today. I go most Sunday afternoons to say hello to my sweet girl and update her on the on-goings on her parent’s lives. Today was gloomy…..skies were grey, the ground was damp and the sky was spitting rain. As I ran my fingers around the sides of her headstone, I was reminded of her service. Also a gloomy day, in more ways than one, her tiny little casket sat elevated under a tent. Our families gathered and it seemed the service ended just as soon as it began. I don’t remember much about the words Jason said but I do remember the comfort I felt in his voice, the comfort I felt in David’s arms, and the comfort of family behind us in love. It was a hard day. How was I supposed to process that her headstone would be bigger than her casket? Oh it hurt, it hurt deeply but the most peaceful moment I have ever experienced in my 30 years of life, was giving her back. He held me and comforted me through every single moment. I remember the overwhelming feeling of love the first time I held her as much as I remember the moment she took her last little breath. Her chest stopped moving as we held her.….as God held us. Today in Sunday School a question was raised…How do you react when a prayer isn’t answered in the way you think it should be?  It’s a tough question. The harsh reality is that most of the time our plans aren’t His. We were reading out of 2 Corinthians and Paul says that in our weakness His strength is our power and is all the power we need.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I think that in our darkest moments, when we are stuck in the whys, we have to rest in that. Berkley was not meant to live here on earth, but I rest in the knowledge that I will see her again. That is an eternal hope that makes everything feel okay. Of course I would love to be potty training a two year old right now, but I am not, I’m visiting a cemetery. Some days I accept that truth better than others. It is a daily task for me to turn over the whys and the bitterness and just rest in the assurance that He is in charge, that He has a plan. Even when we feel like our prayers go unanswered, they are answered in the way they need to be for His glory to shine. It may hurt like hell but if one person is reached because of your ability to show faith in HIS plan, it is worth it. It is very hard, if not impossible, to say when you are in the midst of a storm, but it doesn’t make it any less true. His Grace still amazes me when looking back on parts of my journey and I know I will continue to be amazed at His never ending love for me, despite my circumstance. We must allow Him to use our so called, “unanswered prayers”, as a source of hope and strength to those facing an unthinkable storm.

Guard Rails..random thoughts

Guard Rails. A metal railing that protects us against danger. They are long in some areas, short in others, and in some areas they aren’t there at all. Are they there to protect us or to give us comfort? Are they there to catch us when we fall or just give us security that if we fall, they’d be there?
I like to think both. In accidents, guard rails are there to catch the car as it slides off the road. In places where we become un-easy and the road is narrow, the guard rail is there to give us security.
It is so comforting that God is so much more than a guard rail. Yes, He provides us with both security and protection, but He is with us all the time. He isn’t just walking with us when the drop off is too far, He is with us through the entire journey. He isn’t guarding our journey with a metal railing, but with His all-powerful, loving, protecting, supernatural right hand. We never have to fear the drop off. We never have to fear it because He has us before we fall. His plan and purpose for our life is so specific and important that He walks with us on a minute by minute basis. We are His children. We are created in HIS image and if we are willing and available to Him, He will use us. He will protect us the entire journey and give us the security and reassurance when we grow weary.
Protection: Psalm 138:7  Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.
Security: Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

We can rest in His SECURITY that He will PROTECT us every step of the journey. 

Injustice

Injustice. What does it mean? Is it only a legal term? Is it only when one person wrongs another? Can Injustice be more than doing wrong? Can it be neglecting to do something too? Injustice happens to us all. Good people, bad people, poor people, rich people. Evil is all around us and at some point we will all face some form of injustice. Injustice hurts deep and revenge sounds so good, but there is always purpose in our pain. Our job is to take the injustice we have faced and show others how Christ carried us in our darkest days. I think about addiction, homelessness, poverty...we are so quick to judge those who are "strung out" or begging on the side walk but we fail to ask what injustice brought them to that place. The 28 year old woman who can't hold a job and is hooked on pain pills...we need to ask ourselves what caused her so much pain that she felt the need to get high for the first time? That 28 year old woman could have easily been me. I left the hospital without my baby and a handful of prescriptions. They literally asked "what do you want?". I can promise you that if I didn't have a supportive family and a deep rooted faith I could have easily been her. The first few weeks for me were unbearable. Getting out of bed was a daunting task and didn't always happen. If I didn't have David physically putting me in the shower, washing my hair, brushing my hair, feeding me...I don't know how I would have survived. Mama called me every weekend when David went fishing and made sure I was doing something and eating. My church family was incredible with calls and messages. People I barely knew were lifting me up in prayer. I had support. I was raised in a Christ centered home with parents who lived out an example of faith. Maybe the other 28 year old wasn't as fortunate. The other woman could have been from a broken home, maybe didn't have a baby daddy in the picture and had absolutely no knowledge of Christ. I can't imagine not knowing God but I do know if I didn't have the faith to know, as painful as it was, that God had my baby girl, numbing the pain would be my first response. I would take every prescription they sent me home with and pop every pill to try and numb the pain. I can't imagine facing anything without God. I can't imagine not knowing Him because I have known Him my whole life. Not everyone is that fortunate...some people are dealt an incredibly tough deck from the start . It's our jobs to show how Christ carried us through our darkness. If we neglect to show others what Christ has done for us, we are doing Him an injustice. He carried us in our darkness and we need to show others that same love when they are broken. We need to not judge where people are and ask how they got there. The truth is most people in those helpless situations have faced situations similar to ours. Sometimes it takes a tragedy for people to find Him...sometimes it's the only way they ever come to know Him. Everyone will face an injustice. We as Christians are fortunate enough to know we have a loving God who can carry us....we have to help others see it too.

Ugly Moments

The bad moment(s) I had today....that doesn't define His love for me. It doesn't define it because Gods love isn't based on me at all. His love is a gift. It's nothing I earned and nothing I can ever repay. It's a love that runs so deep that it covers my sins before I commit them. It's a love that runs so deep that no matter how many times I fail Him, I can crawl back to His mercy and grace. I fail people constantly, letting people down happens on a daily basis for most of us. We all have different standards for what is considered enough and each of our individualized perceptions of this is what leads us to disappointment and un-forgiveness. It's what leads us to harboring anger and bitterness and keeps us from showing the love of Christ to others. Can you imagine if we put aside our preconceived notions of what's enough and loved people the way He loves us? If we could lay aside our disappointment and forgive as easily as He forgives us...what would that look like? I can't even imagine loving some people past their outfit somedays....seriously. But Jesus, Jesus loves me past my dark, ugly, unpublished sin. He loves me no matter how many times I question why or how many times I doubt. He welcomes me into His arms. When I crawl back with my head held low, scrapped knees and a tear stained face, He is there to wrap me in grace. He doesn't forgive with words and then harbor anger in His heart....He fully forgives us. Every single time. His love is an all encompassing, larger than life, deeper than the ocean, grace abounding kind of love that we can wrap ourselves in and take a deep breath...

The meditation of my heart

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer.

The meditation of my heart, the thoughts that i ponder throughout the day, the words I repeat to myself, are they acceptable in Gods sight? I'm not proud to say it, but most of the time I would prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. I am the queen of worse-case scenario and I am type A to the core. One thing out of place, one timeline not met, and it can quickly unravel my entire day. It is usually in the waiting phases of life, the praising Him in the in between times, and in the uncertain-can't see past my own pain-moments, that the meditation of my heart becomes an untangled anxious mess. It's in those times that i get so wrapped up in me and I forget who is in control. My heart and head don't always communicate and the meditations of my heart can get ugly really quickly. It is the in-between phases of life when we really grow. It's in the long periods of waiting, we learn patience. In the ups and downs of grief, we learn that God is the ultimate comforter. In times of extreme sickness, we learn that He is the ultimate healer. Breathe...slowing down to breathe in all He is while we wait. Slowing down to thank Him because He is the same God who brings the rain and then forms the rainbow. He is God. Resting in that tonight.

He is...because HE is

I really dislike the phrase God will never give you more than you can handle. I know it is usually said with good intentions by encouraging friends but it bothers me. Losing Berkley was the hardest thing I have ever faced. It has been almost two years and it's still hard to get up every morning but I do. It's not because I am strong. I am not strong. I get up because i have a God within me who has overcome the world. He is my strength. I am reading a book by Angie Smith called Chasing God and she had this to say: "I chose a casket, a burial plot, a gown for her to wear when she was laid to rest. Every step was a heartbreaking battle, and when well-meaning people insisted I must be strong to have been chosen to carry such a burden, it made me sad that they felt this was true of The Lord. The notion that our Abba Father would dispense injury based on our ability to 'carry it' is injurious to our relationship with Him and casts light wrongly on our human capacity instead of His generous dispensation of grace."

The Dash...what does it really mean?

Spent some time at the cemetery today. When I was getting ready to leave I decided to walk around. While looking at all the headstones, I couldn't help but notice the length of peoples lives. It made me reflect on the two days we had with Berkley. As painful as it is to think of all the things I missed out on, I feel a peace knowing that all she knew was love. Her earthly life was nothing more than 60ish hours in a plastic box with bright lights and beeping machines but she knew what it felt like for her mommy kiss all over her, she knew what her daddy’s arms felt like when he held her, and most importantly she felt the cradling arms of Jesus carrying her home. That peace....well it helps to remind me that Gods plan is greater than ours. Its a peace only He can give. I am honored that He chose me to be her mommy. Even though she only had those two days here, I will carry her in my heart forever.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Memories creep up..like flood

Sometimes separating good memories and bad memories can be so difficult. We hold on the bad in fear that we will lose the good. I get it. In 60ish hours I experienced indescribable fear, pain, great happiness, perfect peace, deep sorrow, anger, confusions....the list goes on. Some days I feel like holding on to the deep sorrow some how keeps the precious days of life more real. Why is it that I can hold on to sorrow and pain so much easier than I can cling to the happy times? Why can't I reflect on those two days and hold on to the miracle of life? One of the most incredible feelings in the whole world was looking at Berkley. Holding her and seeing all the features of mine and all the features of David. She looked so much like David. I remember David pointing out that at least she had my boney long toes....thanks babe. :) it is crazy to see your child and know that God created this baby just for you. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Perfect. But why can't we stay there? Why can't we reflect on the blessings of life without falling back into the messes of life? I frustrate myself sometimes because I can be reflecting on those two days of life that God blessed us with and then find myself angry that it was only two days. Gratitude for the time we had....that's what I should feel. Today I pray for all the families that have ever experienced loss to lay down the anger, sorrow, bitterness....whatever is holding you back. It is a useless waste of head space and emotion. I get it...trust me I do, but we can't carry it around. They are real feelings and they demand to be felt, but we can't live there. We can't build  a fort and live in these negative thoughts and emotions. It's a heavy burden that we don't have to bear. He will sustain us....we just have to lay it down. We may keep picking it up for a while but we have to start somewhere.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. (Psalms 55:22 KJV)

His will

October 2014..

God's will. This is all that matters...that His will be done. I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and really asking myself if my faith was strong enough to believe that it was in His will for my little girl to die. As we are getting closer to Berkley's 2nd birthday, I have been flooded with emotions. Some good and some painful, but memories and emotions nonetheless. If I really sit down and evaluate the valleys I have been in I know there are times where I was mad and shouted at God for taking away my baby. I think that's a normal emotion to feel. However, if I sit back and think of what He gave up for me....well it shatters me. He gave His only son for all of us. All of us. I would do or give up anything to have Berkley here with me....and He gave His son. GAVE HIM. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle and it is important that we realize that these battles aren't for nothing. He holds us in our hardest times and He can use our darkest days to bring light to others. I won't say that I don't have days where I want to stay in bed and waller in sadness, bitterness, guilt, anger and pity, because that would be a lie. I will say that if showing His light during my dark times can further His kingdom....well I need to shine because He gave it all for us. I can't imagine my dark days without Him and it crushes my heart to know that people face hard battles without him. So is my faith strong enough to believe it is in His will? Yes. It is a very hard road to walk, but yes I believe that His plan for my life and it doesn't include Berkley being with me here. I will praise Him in the dark for he knows my path.

Painful holes and empty places

November 2014

A big spot right in the middle where mommies hold their children close, I hold my Berkley. She isn't here physically, I know that. I can't rock her to sleep, potty train her, tuck her in at night, take her shopping or kiss her boo-boo's....but I see little pieces of her everywhere. God blesses me with little reminders to let me know that I am not alone. It's almost like he is giving me little glimpses into how great He is. But still, there are days I get mad and sometimes I feel completely empty, but if I really reflect on what I hold in my heart...it's love. Not hate, not bitterness, not anger...but love. How could I hold all those things in my heart where I also have Jesus? Yes, those feelings come and go. The emotions take me over some days and that's all I can see...but I don't let them live there. I can't. He shows me signs of Berkley's life all the time and I have received so many blessings through this loss. He has blessed me with friends to love on me and with other moms who allow me to be a part of their children's lives. Those are blessings. As we were closed in a tiny area with curtains around us...no more beeping machines, just us holding our girl. Our little family together for the last time....He held us. He wrapped us up in His loving arms as we let her go. That is a blessing that I can't even begin to explain with words. Being able to share my story with newly bereaved mothers...a blessing. I miss her, my heart physically aches for her...but I have joy-He puts it there. I have peace-He puts it there. All the blessings will never replace the deep pain of loss but I will never say that I walked alone in this storm. He has loved me through every moment and carried me through my deepest waters.

Joseph's Story...betrayal and the presence of God

November 2014

Sharing my heart....A couple of weeks ago our Sunday School lesson was on Joseph being betrayed by his brothers. The lesson questioned us on a time we felt like God wasn't present in our lives. I couldn't help but think about some of the scariest months of my life....summer 2012. David was very sick. Close to 30 days total, 3 surgeries, long nights in ICU, lonely days on the floor, scary news, good news...you get the drift. Some days I felt betrayed by God and wondered what His purpose was in it all. Why were we facing such scary health crisis at age 25 and 27??
God revealed something to me while I was studying the story of Joseph's betrayal. Berkley was my earthly Hope during those days. She was the very reason we kept pushing forward to the next day. We had hope in our future as her parents. Giving up wasn't an option because we had a little blessing on the way. There were so many nights we could have lost faith, but we didn't. He never left us. He held us in His arms...all 3 of us. We can't ever lose faith that He is carrying us and has a greater plan...a purpose for the pain. He knew I could draw strength just from the sheer joy of carrying her. I knew He had a purpose for her life....I just realized that it was while I was carrying her, she was also carrying me and giving me Hope to move forward. I love these moments with God. It's in these Intimate times when He reveals pieces of His plan, I get completely overwhelmed by His greatness and all-knowing power.

When He speaks

12.21.14

Ever feel God speaking but aren't sure you hear Him clearly? I know I have. Sometimes we hear Him and then make every excuse that it isn't him. Maybe we are overthinking it, it isn't the right time, I have too many problems going on..that can't be God. Sometimes we even go down the ever so destructive path of "I can't be used." Or "I'm not worthy." Sometimes He pounds at us with signs that He is present and we still don't listen. Either we are mad and in a dark place where we "can't" hear Him or we are fearful of the plan He has laid on our heart.
In my darkest days, I know He held me tight. I know I was lifted daily out of bed and ran on His fumes to survive. It is easy for me to look back now and see where He was on every moment of my dark journey. But in the midst of the dark, there were times I couldn't feel Him. Times I questioned where He was and why He thought I was strong enough to handle it all. Truth is, He never left. He never does. He is always with us speaking, knocking on our hearts. When he speaks to us, whether in good or bad times, He speaks and is meant to be heard. He places desires and plans on our hearts and He fully equips us to handle them. We may fail, we may fall short, we may face dark dark times but if we are walking in His light and following His path...He will use us. We are all just an empty shell without Him so why not let Him shine through the brokenness...His beautiful brokenness.

Pride..just a word

 

1.1.15

Pride. I hate this word. I hate it because it is the very essence of every dysfunctional relationship I have ever had. Whether, family, love or friends, it has been at the center of all miscommunication and ultimately led to failure. We have all at one point or another felt like we had all the answers and everyone else was just wrong. We have all put ourselves up on a pedestal and let un-forgiveness build until the relationship dies. The relationship eventually implodes because no one is willing to let go of their pride and listen. The same goes with our relationship with God. At what point do we finally grasp that He is all we need? At what point do we lay down all the heaviness at His feet and allow Him to speak to us? Why do we fight it? I have struggled lately with the idea of turning 30. I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish by 30 and I just assumed God was on board with that plan. It made sense to me so why wouldn't He be on board? I am now 4 months away and quite a few things on my list aren't marked off. Quite a few things are half-way marked through with little asterisks at the end meaning "in progress". I was reading tonight when I came across a 5 letter word...pride. Pride is the very thing keeping me from hearing His plan and accepting it. I have let the disappointment I feel over my failed list take the place of His love for me regardless of my failed list. My failed list, it isn't His list. It's my idea of "having it together" by 30. It's a ridiculously, rotten, unrealistic  list based on what I know of people I admire....and we all know that comparison is a useless waste of energy. His love for us is so great that each one of us have an individual plan He has set for us. We don't have to figure anything out ourselves or accomplish 30 under 30, we just have to rest at his feet and let Him reveal His plan in His time.