As I was buying tickets and getting ready for the Beth Moore conference this weekend, I found myself more concerned about where we would eat and what we would do than the conference itself....just being honest. I had never seen her before and so my heart was more focused on making my friends birthday the best weekend ever with her favorite speaker, not on growing closer to Him and learning more about our precious God. I started praying about a week or so ago to truly feel His presence. I needed to feel that overwhelming, God is right with me, moment. I've been crippled with fear and anxiety recently. All week I haven't slept well. Waking up every morning at 2:30 or 3 and when I was asleep I was dreaming about Berkley. I kept dreaming about the night she passed away and even her memorial service. I was so confused and conflicted. Part of me, most of me, thought this was Satan just trying to place more fear in my life. Trust me when I tell you that I need no help in that department. I was beginning to get very very frustrated. I was exhausted and the weekend was quickly approaching. I was slammed at work and hadn't packed anything. We finally got on the road Friday and made it to Greenville that afternoon. We had our first session and let me just say that I.love.beth.moore. I actually think we are soul mates and she just isn't aware. She is the perfect mix of smart and witty....we are basically the same person. I'm obviously kidding....but really, she is incredible. Anyway, I started feeling huge amounts of pressure as the praise band sang and I couldn't get my mind to wander away from Berkley. I was convinced Satan was attacking me. "From life's first cry, to final breath"....the lyrics from one of the praise songs. I was so focused on the first time I saw her to the last time she took a breath. Why...why was Satan ruining my weekend? I was so distracted...or so I thought. I finally closed my eyes and just dropped my head in prayer. I had been reflecting on all the painful things about losing her but as soon as I dropped my head in prayer....God took over. He took over my heart. He reminded me of the moments with her when I felt His presence. He reminded me of the overwhelming peace I felt when He took her from us. Beth spoke about Gravity, Divine Gravity, what goes down, must come up. God woke me up each night this week. I truly feel God allowed those painful memories to bring me to a place where I could be reminded of His presence. A place where I could remember how powerful He is. Maybe I needed the sleepless nights, the reckless thoughts, to draw me nearer.....to bring me back in. I needed the down, I needed the down to show me how powerful He can lift me up. To make me drop my head in prayer and fully surrender my thoughts to Him. I was overcome with so many emotions. Saturday morning we got there and I was so ready to be moved! About 10 minutes into the first session I looked at Tonya and said "Sadie hasn't moved this morning". I was suddenly overcome with fear. So quickly, from one pumped up night to less than 10 hours later, I'm covered in fear and doubt. Why is Satan so sneaky?? He took over my thoughts in milliseconds. I took a breath and just tried to focus on the praise music but she still wasn't moving. We were singing a song that kept repeating the phrase "break every chain, break every chain, break every chain". I'm not ashamed to say, and people who know me will know, I am driven by fear and anxiety. Fear of loss, fear of not being the best, fear of disappointing others....you name it, I fear it. I threw my hands up during this song with tears streaming down my face. My heart was racing. I was almost screaming the lyrics to the song. Begging God to take over my fearful thoughts, begging Him to give me the peace I needed. Within moments of surrendering my thoughts and fears to Him, Sadie gave me a big ole kick to the bladder. My heart suddenly calmed, I was overwhelmed with peace....His peace. Once again, all I did was surrender my thoughts. My thought life keeps me in trouble. Beth made this statement this weekend and it crawled all over me. "Anxiety and Dread is nothing more than a person prophesying the unfaithfulness of God". Woah, right? Do we really feel like God isn't big enough to handle our fears and doubts? Do we think the one who formed the universe isn't able to flip a switch and calm our anxious heart? Of course He is. I learned so many things this weekend but most importantly I watched the Holy Spirit fill a room of 11K women, yet still He had a personal conversation with me. Amazed.
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