February 1, 2015
It was a dreary day at the cemetery today. I go most Sunday
afternoons to say hello to my sweet girl and update her on the on-goings on her
parent’s lives. Today was gloomy…..skies were grey, the ground was damp and the
sky was spitting rain. As I ran my fingers around the sides of her headstone, I
was reminded of her service. Also a gloomy day, in more ways than one, her tiny
little casket sat elevated under a tent. Our families gathered and it seemed
the service ended just as soon as it began. I don’t remember much about the
words Jason said but I do remember the comfort I felt in his voice, the comfort
I felt in David’s arms, and the comfort of family behind us in love. It was a
hard day. How was I supposed to process that her headstone would be bigger than
her casket? Oh it hurt, it hurt deeply but the most peaceful moment I have ever
experienced in my 30 years of life, was giving her back. He held me and
comforted me through every single moment. I remember the overwhelming feeling
of love the first time I held her as much as I remember the moment she took her
last little breath. Her chest stopped moving as we held her.….as God held us.
Today in Sunday School a question was raised…How do you react when a prayer
isn’t answered in the way you think it should be? It’s a tough question. The harsh reality is
that most of the time our plans aren’t His. We were reading out of 2 Corinthians
and Paul says that in our weakness His strength is our power and is all the
power we need.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for
my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more
gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me” 2
Corinthians 12:9
I think that in our darkest moments, when we are stuck in
the whys, we have to rest in that. Berkley was not meant to live here on earth,
but I rest in the knowledge that I will see her again. That is an eternal hope
that makes everything feel okay. Of course I would love to be potty training a
two year old right now, but I am not, I’m visiting a cemetery. Some days I accept
that truth better than others. It is a daily task for me to turn over the whys
and the bitterness and just rest in the assurance that He is in charge, that He
has a plan. Even when we feel like our prayers go unanswered, they are answered
in the way they need to be for His glory to shine. It may hurt like hell but if
one person is reached because of your ability to show faith in HIS plan, it is
worth it. It is very hard, if not impossible, to say when you are in the midst
of a storm, but it doesn’t make it any less true. His Grace still amazes me
when looking back on parts of my journey and I know I will continue to be
amazed at His never ending love for me, despite my circumstance. We must allow
Him to use our so called, “unanswered prayers”, as a source of hope and
strength to those facing an unthinkable storm.
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