March 2nd

Last Wednesday we received pathology from the lymph nodes they removed during my lumpectomy. Unfortunately they found a few cancer spots in 3 of the 6 nodes that they removed. My anxiety, doubt, fear, all of it, absolutely crippled me. Truthfully I have felt more doubt in the last month than I have in any circumstance I’ve ever walked. I am used to one time events but a cancer journey including chemotherapy...shew, I have had no words or energy to even process. That’s why I didn’t share it on social media, I was shaken. 

Of course I prayed, sometimes with no words. Of course I believed, but I was so scared. 

It was hard news to take. It shook more than when I got the cancer diagnosis. The idea that it could have spread to other parts of my body was terrifying. Today I had a bone scan and a CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis. It was a long day of waiting and scans but my sweet David stayed with me all day. 😘 I have an appointment this Wednesday where we were going to discuss the results but y’all...My precious doctor called me at almost 5 o’clock to let me know that there were no signs of cancer found! We also received news from the genetic test and they were also negative! 

All.scans.were.negative. 

All.scans.were.negative. 

PRAISE.THE.LORD. 🙌🏼

I will proceed with chemo and radiation in a  few weeks once my incisions heal. So although that journey still lies ahead, today we celebrate! 

Y’all...tell me He won’t do it! 🙌🏼 ✝️❣️

#NotmyplanbutHis #Hardjourney

Not superhuman...at all.

I’m not so strong. 

I’m no super hero.

I’m really struggling.

I’m not okay. 

I’m depressed.

I’m a hot mess of emotions. 

I’m really ashamed that I’m struggling. Physically I am fine, emotionally I’m a wreck. 

I’m also really embarrassed that the one who stood up in front of quite a few women just a few weeks ago, is completely crumbling at a “set back”...and that’s why I want to share part of a book I just started by Beth Moore. 

I feel her words deeply today. It’s no accident that our women’s group just started this book last week...I so needed it, well the first chapter anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ignore how I look. 

Ignore my crooked middle bottom tooth.

Ignore my no makeup and not dried hair. 

Ignore that I slurred a few words. 

Actually just ignore all the things...and just hear what Beth Moore has to say about insecurity. 

Also I have nothing inspirational or well scripted to say...like at all. That’s why I’m reading to y’all  from Beth Moore...🤷🏼‍♀️ But it gives me much comfort that I am not alone, that’s for certain! 

Thank you so much for all the prayers we feel every single one of them. 

Thank you so much for the meals, we’ve enjoyed every one of them. 

This is hard but God is still so good. 

#thedevilusessetbacks #Godwillwin

Recovery is so tough...

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and love over the last few days! Recovery really stinks and not being able to be around Sadie has been the absolute worst. But y’all, I have the best tribe of friends and family that have stepped in and taken over. Praise God for small towns! 🙌🏼

Also, poor David...y’all pray for him. I’m a lot to handle..🤷🏼‍♀️

#toomanytotag #BCOUT #step1anddone

Step ONE — February 20...lets go

Tomorrow morning the process begins...

Step1: Surgery 

In all honesty, I’ve been pretty depressed since I was given this diagnosis. I have allowed the Devil to control my thought life and it hasn’t been pretty. I’ve been so overwhelmed at times that I have felt paralyzed and that’s given my mind time to run wild with all the things....fear,doubt,anger,confusion. You name it, I feel like I’ve felt it. 

It’s not a fear or doubt that God isn’t in control, I know He is. Its not a fear that God can’t heal me, I know He can. Its that lingering thought of “God can heal me but what if that doesn’t glorify Him”. I’ve seen this play out both ways. I’ve seen God heal David and Sadie but at the same time I have seen Berkley and Henry not healed on this earth. I have seen God glorified through both the joys and the pains of this world. And it’s hard, It’s really hard. It has consumed my thoughts over the last week. I have been stuck in this hard place of wanting God to be glorified while being fully aware that Him being glorified might not feel good. I’ve been so consumed that my prayer life has suffered and my bible studies have been non-existent. I know this seems counterintuitive but it’s the hard place I am stuck in right now. 

Although I am falling short and although I am struggling to find energy to fight, God is NOT absent. It is in OUR weakness that HIS glory is revealed! Praise God and Amen. 🙌🏼

I know I am loved and I feel every precious prayer being prayed on my behalf. (Thank you!)

I know He is fighting this for me. 

And I know He is good at being GOD! 

#repeatwithmetohelpme 

I know God has this. 

I know God is fighting for me. 

I know God is with me. 

I know the truth of God. 

I know the power of the prayer.

I know that God is trustworthy.

I know that God will be glorified.

Cancer. Feb 10th changed it all

It was the Friday before I was supposed to speak at our annual ladies dinner. There were 120 women coming to enjoy dinner at our church and I was the guest speaker. Public speaking is so out of my comfort zone but I was so strongly convicted to share that it didn’t take much prayer to accept what God was clearly telling me to do. What I didn’t know when I accepted the opportunity was that I would be facing a very scary health issue that weekend. This past Friday, I had been sent for a mammogram and ultrasound on a suspicious lump that I found in my breast. The following 3 days felt like an eternity waiting on results. I felt so paralyzed with fear that I barely made it to the ladies event on Saturday night. Every worse case scenario played out in my head over and over. I am in total awe of the way God calmed my nerves, provided me with words, and to got me through the event. 

It came to pass on Monday afternoon that the words “breast cancer” were given to me. Thankfully we have caught it very early. Stage 1 Ductal Carcinoma. We have met with a great team of medical professionals that are devising the best treatment plan for me. 

I am completely shaken to the core. 

I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. 

Trust me, I have asked all the “whys”, I have cried giant tears, and have battled some crazy moments of doubt over the last week. 

But I am certain that the Lord will walk every step with me.  I have already seen His provision with each appointment, lab work, and testing. I have seen God line up my path with people to help encourage me and help us make the best decision possible for my health. I am truly grateful for all the outpouring of love and support I have already received. 

God.is.Good.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bd6odYyVqHV5zF_OpljX_20ujd7IsH8-/view

Chipped vs Changed

How many of us fear approaching God when our life looks something like my nails? 

Chipped, broken, unpolished, splotchy, messy and unrefined...

Oh, just me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. 

Life.is.hard.

Living in a fallen world is hard.

Going to God during the hard...is hard 

Looking down at my hands really reminded me of that today...not that I needed a reminder of life being hard, but sometimes I need a reminder that I can come to God just like this. 

Psalm 139 was touched on by our Pastor Sunday and I’ve read it quite a few times in the last 24 hours. I feel so drawn to this imagery. These few verses have been especially loud in my mind. 

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:7-12‬

Maybe it’s because when my mind and spirit look like my nails, I try to hide. 

Maybe it’s because when I am overwhelmed with frets and anxiety of life, I retreat into myself as if God Himself can’t see me. 

Truth is, He sees me.

Truth is, I can come to Him how I am but i will not leave like I came. 

Truth is, He accepts me at my worst and transforms me to my best.

Truth is, He is the only power that can take my dark broken spirit and transform it into light. 

He formed me.

He loves me. 

He sees me.

Amen.

Amen.

Less Sugar

So lots of my friends have a “word” for the new year and I love the concept! I have thought on this for a few weeks but yet to come up with one.

This morning I got up a little early to have some quiet time before the tiny me woke up. It’s the first day of a new decade and I wanted to sip some coffee and read a little of my new book...alone. 

It lasted 20 minutes.

😳Also, new realization as I’m typing, I’ll turn 40 in this decade. #maybeADD 🤷🏼‍♀️

After Sadie woke up, I started the coffee. I had decided that the perking could wake her up so I just enjoyed quiet with no coffee...all 20 minutes of it. I may have to re-read those chapters because Lauren with no caffeine is kinda all over the place. 

Anyway, as I was pouring my coffee I was given a word; or a phrase actually. One of my resolutions is to attempt to cut back SOME sugar. ((Notice I said “some” because all is stupid.)) So as I’m adding creamer I reminded myself, “less sugar Lauren” and there it was, the phrase...

*Less sugar*

•Less sugar coating, more honest conversations. 

•Less gritty sweet coatings, more smooth solid foundations. 

•Less sugar coated self help, more solid biblical truth. 

•Less selfish sweet worldly victories, more substantial Christ led eternal wins. 

The book I’m reading goes along with this phrase God has given me...and the majority of this book has kicked me in the teeth. “Less of me” is hard. I’m learning I’m even more self absorbed than I realized. I know...who knew. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

I am learning that I can “hustle” but I can’t hustle alone. LET HIM LEAD

I am learning that attempting to avoid pain is missing opportunity. God has used pain consistently to help in the process of becoming more like Jesus. I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE JESUS.

I am learning that happy isn’t holy. 

And Honestly, the reason I couldn’t come up with a word on my own is probably because I was trying to come up with some perfect word without asking God what the new year might bring. Honestly I was worried about what “word” would generate likes on FaceBook or follows on my blog. Truth is most of my thoughts get put on my blog and selfishly, I need it to look “put together”. That’s some honest truth, huh? Yuck, me. 😝

•Less me, more Him•

“We are INVITED to crucify our SELFISH plans and dreams for the better pursuit of what God has planned for us”—Sick of Me, Whitney Capps

So for 2020...less sugar. PS: I’m the sugar.