Thursday, November 5, 2015

Painful holes and empty places


November 2014
A big spot right in the middle where mommies hold their children close, I hold my Berkley. She isn't here physically, I know that. I can't rock her to sleep, potty train her, tuck her in at night, take her shopping or kiss her boo-boo's....but I see little pieces of her everywhere. God blesses me with little reminders to let me know that I am not alone. It's almost like he is giving me little glimpses into how great He is. But still, there are days I get mad and sometimes I feel completely empty, but if I really reflect on what I hold in my heart...it's love. Not hate, not bitterness, not anger...but love. How could I hold all those things in my heart where I also have Jesus? Yes, those feelings come and go. The emotions take me over some days and that's all I can see...but I don't let them live there. I can't. He shows me signs of Berkley's life all the time and I have received so many blessings through this loss. He has blessed me with friends to love on me and with other moms who allow me to be a part of their children's lives. Those are blessings. As we were closed in a tiny area with curtains around us...no more beeping machines, just us holding our girl. Our little family together for the last time....He held us. He wrapped us up in His loving arms as we let her go. That is a blessing that I can't even begin to explain with words. Being able to share my story with newly bereaved mothers...a blessing. I miss her, my heart physically aches for her...but I have joy-He puts it there. I have peace-He puts it there. All the blessings will never replace the deep pain of loss but I will never say that I walked alone in this storm. He has loved me through every moment and carried me through my deepest waters.

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